I think she clings to the idea of the D to convince HERSELF that she doesn't have to put up with whatever she feels she had to put up with in the past and it's the one thing she can say to you to keep your attention and hold your feet to the fire. It's her ace in the hole.
I see...and I think I agree. She's trying desperately to keep herself from slipping back into our previous life, and this is her way.
It seems very important to you that she say the words "I've changed my mind about the D" (not that that wouldn't be nice), but even if she did say them, you wouldn't be home free, kwim?
I do see what you mean. I'm in danger of going back to my old ways of trying to read her and respond. I do not want to do that because it drives me nuts. Instead, I need to concentrate on myself, and what I think is right, and not allow myself to be "on the hook" about the divorce...not let my emotions and responses be dependent on whether she keeps saying she wants a divorce, or backs down. But how then do I set my goal? If I'm not working toward a response from her, then what should I be working toward?
What was the scene like when her parents split? Who was the bad guy there? I'm guessing her dad... but how was her mom during the process?
Her mom took the kids and moved out to get away from the emotional abuse. She went back days later to get her things and found another woman's clothes in her closet. She gave him the opportunity to reconcile, but he wouldn't leave the OW. She withdrew her small inheritance from their bank account and filed for divorce. She was resolute, strong, principled, but was willing to forgive and work through it had he been willing to do so.
