Quote: I just realized that you're saying that she's pursuing divorce to show me that she's serious. Do you think she's waiting to see something from me that gives her permission to back down?
No, I don't think she's waiting for anything in particular from you. I see her as being more like you: all over the place. The single constant thread from her is her saying she wants a D, but I also don't see her taking any steps to initiate the real-world stuff that has to be done to make a D happen. I think she clings to the idea of the D to convince HERSELF that she doesn't have to put up with whatever she feels she had to put up with in the past and it's the one thing she can say to you to keep your attention and hold your feet to the fire. It's her ace in the hole.
In my experience, when someone wants a divorce, especially if their spouse is already living elsewhere, they go to a lawyer and they get papers drawn up and they do it. In my own case, I left the house one day and didn't go back. I'm not saying a divorce is impossible, but I just don't observe concrete signs that she's going to make it happen. Particularly since she has TOLD you that it's something you have to do together.
It seems very important to you that she say the words "I've changed my mind about the D" (not that that wouldn't be nice), but even if she did say them, you wouldn't be home free, kwim? Then you'd be worried about the next time she might bring it up. You'd be saying to yourself, "Well she said before that she wanted a D and she could say it again." You'd still be doing the tap dance to try to avoid her wrath and her threats.
And she could say, "I've changed my mind about the D," and the next day you could be served with papers.
The question you started with
Quote: Do you think she's waiting to see something from me
is from the Undifferentiated Rigley.
I think you are totally correct that she does not want to be the bad guy. Right now it seems to her that the only way out of her misery is to end the marriage, but for her to initiate it, she would have to be the bad guy. It seems like her desire NOT to be the bad guy is stronger than the desire to get out of the marriage.
You say that if she got mad enough at you, she could go through with it, but wouldn't that make her the ultimate bad guy?
What was the scene like when her parents split? Who was the bad guy there? I'm guessing her dad... but how was her mom during the process?
