Part of what I see going on with you as that you may be understanding a lot of what is being said, but letting that knowledge sink to the deeper levels of your emotions will take time. That said, I do believe there are things you can do to make yourself and your wife feel better.
To me, there are two aspects to control and assertiveness. One deals with attempts to directly control another’s thinking, reactions and way of feeling. This is what you seem to be doing by trying to make your wife see things from your perspective, trying to make her understand the error of her logic, trying to “fix” her. That is why she is getting pissed. It is not an acknowledgement or validation of her POV. It is just the opposite. (But if it would work, YOU would feel much better.)
Your wife wants and needs to feel she is in control of her life, which is understandable considering her background. (I also want to stress that EVERYTHING you say and do needs to be evaluated from the perspective of HER background, not yours.) So if she believes your mother is a manipulating b*tch, you really have now choice but to go along with her. Disagreeing with her will drive a wedge between you two, it will invalidate your W and make her angrier, and most importantly, standing up for your mother will not gain you anything either! At some point, every man needs to make a decision whether to stand by his wife or his mother. He cannot do both, so choose. So far you have tried to placate both, and it is driving your W crazy.
If you choose to align yourself with your wife, then exactly what she thinks of your mother (as an example) is not as important as the fact that she knows you agree with her point of view (however warped it may be). Let your W come to the realization on her own (or through other women) that her view is warped. Just don’t go telling your mom that your wife thinks she is nuts!
This brings me to the other aspect of control. What you CAN control are the parameters within which you are willing to accept the “dance,” i.e., boundaries. You and your wife are so enmeshed (or fused) due to your upbringing and lack of role modeling on the proper use of boundaries, that you each are trying to fulfill your own needs to the exclusion of the other (see the book “The Narcissistic Family” for more on this. Schnarch also says that people arguing to make their version of history the official, correct version is a couple fully enmeshed and in a power struggle.) Getting your spouse to react in a way to sooth you is a losing game, which is part of why I think you get these panic attacks. When she acts as you wish, you settle down. When she doesn’t, panic flairs up.
So instead set the ground rules that she must operate within. Think of this as setting the fence around the backyard for the dog to run, as Mojo talks about. Anywhere in the yard is fine with you, so the dog (your W) feels like there is freedom of choice, but that choice is still constrained by your boundaries. When I argue with others on this board about whether you can control someone else, this is what I am talking about, that you can “control” the other person by limiting choices. I want to make clear that I do understand the dog still has a choice of whether to stay in the backyard or not, in spite of the fence. So in that way you ultimately do not have real control, because the dog can always decide to jump the fence. The dog is making a decision to be constrained by the fence.
However you can take this one step further and make the consequences of fence jumping very unpleasant. That is where I say you have no obligation to be friends with your wife in the event of divorce. If she does not want to play in the yard, you do not have to give her amenities to make fence jumping more pleasurable. Do you get what I mean?
This all comes back to your original dilemma – to stop placating and pleasing others. Take a stand. Accept the fact that thee is no guarantee in life and nothing is certain and yes, IT IS a leap of faith that is called for. But the risk in taking that leap can less than you have been trained to believe. In the case of your wife, you now know that being firm should actually reduce risk, though it feels the opposite.
That meeting your wife scheduled, then postponed… waiting for her to reschedule is NOT setting the boundaries of the fence. You are waiting for her to set boundaries for YOU, to define the yard so you can then feel secure enough to run around and be happy. After a while you will realize the limitation of this and want to be the one setting the fence boundary, not her. She really wants to be the dog running round, happy and carefree. That is what she is doing with the wild partying, drinking, etc. What I think is frustrating her is that she does not see any fences out there, and that limitless unknown is scary, and she is too scared to venture out by herself, so she still clings to you. Venturing into the unknown is not her job anyway, it is yours. She is mad that you are not setting the boundaries, which if you did, would show he a level of caring.
We had a discussion a long time ago about jealousy. I am willing to be that you do not show jealousy. If so, your wife may have another reason to feel you don’t care for her. She would like to know that you will fight tooth and nail for her. I believe a certain amount of jealousy is healthy. Too much is destructive. It is s sensitive balance. But it does communicate boundaries.
My wife is similar. She thinks she needs to be as empowered as a man, but she does not realize all that entails. Your wife and mine need to realize their limits and operate within that margin of safety, where they can be happy. Blackfoot lectured me a lot on this, and it is a hard thing to understand, especially when you are raised your whole life to focus on your own comfort but make someone else responsible for it.
Coming full circle with this argument, the bottom line again comes back to fear – what ever fear is your particular flavor from your past. Control is a way to avert those fears, you are beginning to see this. Attachment theory is a way to gain a certain level of control over your partner by validating and soothing them in return for validation and soothing from them. It is a tit-for-tat arrangement. In fact, I think everything is, even “love,” for without the trading of favors, love quickly evaporates. Part of the trick is to understand just what favors spark the right response (you have read the “5 Love Languages?”)
So when you ask “what's the f*cking problem?!!!” I think the answer is not the need of each of you to agree to sooth each other and have sex, but the need to feel some level of control over your life, which in turn you both assume will comfort your emotions, but those very emotions are only manifestation of the trauma you experienced in your past. The trauma and fear is the heart of the matter.
Coming to terms with your anger is very important to you for various reasons, but for the marriage, it is only important in that it is the door to other emotions, including feelings of love (and also leads to healthy jealousy). Right now I am not sure your desire for your wife is purely based on love. I think it could well be mixed up with control and self soothing. Schnarch had an interesting discussion of a couple in which the H was HD, the W was LD. Once the W decided to let go of her expectations, to differentiate, much as Mojo discussed, the H suddenly realized he no longer had control over his wife. He had used his HD to guilt and control his wife, keeping the focus on her lack of drive and thus avoid his own issues (fear of abandonment). After he lost this control, he had to confront himself and he then lost his drive. His wife then became HD because she felt in control. Try to understand this in yourself so as not to get caught by the boomerang in case things turn around on your later.
So be VERY clear about your anger. It should NOT be directed at your wife, but at your past, not in a way to blame anyone, but to recognize that you two are just unfortunate victims of ignorant and unknowing people. Your wife is in the same boat. Her anger and blame at you is just as misplaced. Get on the same team with her.
I’ve strayed a little… getting back to that meeting your wife planned. YOU should take control. You can call her and tell her YOU want to talk. It doesn’t matter whether she is “ready” or not. She is most likely trying to find the emotional strength to tell you she is leaving, so I see not value in waiting for her to get there. Remember, don’t make it easy for her to jump over that fence! Limit some of her options. I think you are giving her too much room to run. Tell her she doesn’t have to be ready for the meeting, all she has to do is listen, that YOU have things you to say. Then tell her something along the lines of:
You are my wife. I will not divorce you nor will I go along with divorce. If you divorce me against my will, I will not be friends with you or having anything to do with you and I will fight for custody of my kids. I do care about you, I want you and I expect you, as my wife, to want me. I am also co-owner of our house and I intend to move back in immediately (to hell with your remaining lease). If you can’t live with me, then you can move out, but this is my house and I intend to live here. I WANT you to live with me.
I am in our marriage for the long haul. I will not leave you. I will do everything in my power to work on our marriage and to better understand and meet your needs. I accept all the harmful things I did to you in the past, I apologize for them and I vow not to repeat them, ever. You must come to terms with your issues and responsibilities. I will not tolerate you blaming me for your own issues. I will no longer put up with your wild ways. I am growing to be a self responsible adult, I expect you to do the same. Stop blaming me for all your shortcomings.
I will do everything I can to work with you, together as a team, to address OUR problems, to give you the understanding, compassion and security that I know you want. I also now that you love me and that the idea of us splitting is tearing you apart. It is tearing me apart. We have both been victimized. Lets stop blaming each other. Put aside your anger and your need for vengeance and listen to me. I never wanted to see you unhappy. But I did not know enough of what I was doing. I am learning. I am devoting myself to you and to our children. Give us another chance.
Well, I’ll let the other come up with ideas on what you could say, but I still think you need to take control, be assertive and lay it one the line what you really want. You will need to bare your soul.
