Who made you feel like your life was in their hands and that your life didn't mean cr@p to them?
My grandfather. But in an indirect way. He was a very mean, rigid, pious man, who verbally abused his kids up until his death. And though I grew up next door to him, he didn't directly do this to me. I just got it from my grandmother and father.
What I got from my father was that I had to obey the rules no matter what anyone else did, and if I didn't, I was going to see his wrath. And that's all I got from him.
But the more influencial one was his mother, my grandmother. She was the kindest, but most fearful and repressed woman on the earth. She had been married to my grandfather since 15, and must have thought she deserved every word of criticism he regularly spewed at her. I spent my first 5 years in her care during the days, with my grandfather sitting at the table reading the paper, or out working in the garden or garage.
I think I learned to be afraid from her. And she was also the soft spot in their very scary house, so I needed her approval. She was the one who fostered the good boy in me. I also wanted my mother's attention, but she was at work or overwhelmed.
So, here's the formula for Mr. Nice Guy:
Rejected by male parents, made to feel like I had to be a good boy by female parents.
That has left me in the pitiful position of feeling deficit in the manhood department, and feeling like my happiness depends on the approval of a woman, who in turn wants a strong man.
But that was in the past. Today I am learning to look to myself for approval. I know that I can be a strong, mature, confident man, and I'm relentlessly pounding away all those crappy false beliefs that have kept me from believing in myself. The schizo behavior you (and unfortunately my wife) are seeing is the result of the old me and new me battling it out. I don't have any doubt that I'll come out of this as the man I want to be. I just don't know if my marriage will be around then.
