My wife told me she was leaving me on October 15th. Somehow, she is still home and giving me the oportunity to prove myself to her, or drive her finally away from me, depending on my actions. So far, the only thing I have done to drive her away, has been to talk about the relationship, or her apartment that she rented, and never moved in to. I learned and don't do either anymore. I did a great piece of divorce busting on New years eve. We went to a neighborhood party. I basically ignored her for the entire pary, and talkied to the other women who were being ingnored by their husbands who were gathered together talking about fishing or something like that. At midight, she found me, kissed me on the lips and then repeated it for a picture when the host of the party came around with a camera. Monday morning it was back to reality, and no physical contact, other then a kiss on the cheek at bed time. She paid her rent for the apartment again for January. Two steps forward, one step back. I know everyone must be thinking I have it great, because at least she is home. I agree to a point, but 3 months of living in fear everyday, that she won't come home, makes you crazy. Yesterday, I dropped my D20 off at her apartment because her college started today. When she told me she loved me, I bursted into tears. For no reason. I guess I'm holding in a lot of stress.
Skicdy, I would say your're not in a great situation, but you have something to work with. What is she angry with you about? What are the unresolved issues in your M? What are you doing to manage your stress?
What you described regarding her behavior at the party is very positive--her sharing of affection with you. She can still care about you, yet be so angry with you that she wants to leave the R.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Nothing worse that living on pins and needles is there? I know the feeling, of never knowing when the ball is going to drop. Hang in there, at least (like you said) she is still living at home, regardless of the apartment, which means she is having second thoughts herself.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
The issue in our marriage was my anger and controling her. She said that I made her and my daughter do what I wanted them to do, by being angry at her, or my daughter when they did something I did not approve of. When I was angry, everyone knew it. I agree with her, that is what I did. I have been going to see someone for anger management since October 16th and I have made a big change in my life. I love not being mad anymore about every little thing. My wife says things all of the time, like, you would have gone nuts over that in the "old days" and she seems pleased to be with me when I react differently then I would have in the past.
For stress relief, I excecise. Every day, at least for an hour. I have not missed a day since October 16th. (One day post bomb) I also work a lot. I have a demanding job. So does my wife.\
We are together all of the time evenings and weekends and get along great. There is very little intimicy however. She does not share her feelings unless I pull them out of her which is hard to do while divorce busting. (no R talk, ETC.)
Congrats on controlling your anger, I am sure it hasn't been easy for you.
As for the intimacy, I know how you feel. I can count on one hand (with several fingers left over) how many times H and I have ML in the last 5 years - YES, 5 YEARS!!!!! His "excuse" - "I don't have the drive I used to" and "I'm getting older". Right!! Well, seems like he managed to find the "drive" with someone else didn't he? And, not only once but TWICE!! (sorry for the vent but, needless to say, I am still extremely angry)
I have gone through this twice (once in 2002 and now again) and it is wearing on me, to say the least.
It's great that you are together, my H still wants to spend a lot of time alone (which makes me worry every second where he is, who he's with). He tells me nothing is going on but needless to say, I find that hard to believe these days. I know I have a trust issue to deal with and don't know if I can ever build that back but I have to try because no matter what I do, I can't change him. He has to change himself.
You say "there is very little intimacy" which suggests to me there is at least some. Accept that as being positive for the time being. You are further ahead than I am, that's for sure. I would be estatic if H would initiate some intimacy and I crave the closeness, but have to be patient because that has always been an issue with him.
Take care and hang in there
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Very simular to my original issues (Hurting in Korea, I think it was under). I had control issues, anger problems and that drove a wedge between my W and I. She ended up having an EA while I was stationed overseas. I took Anger Management classes, Paranting courses, counseling with a M counselor and my chaplian. We worked through that and I am a better person for it today. Finding outlests for stress, anger and such are needed. The gym is a great place to release stress, work anxiety and anger. Biking and hiking are also great, as is martial arts. Learn techniques to help you see when yuo are close to losing control of you and design something to help you calm down and not lose control. Take baby steps with you and your W. Let her see that you are changing not just for her but for you and your family. Make these changes PERMANENT, it is so easy to backslide even after long term use of these. I hope for the best for you and your M.
Skicdy, It sounds like you have a goal (anger management), a plan (counseling and exercise), and it sounds like you've made significant progress. Your W has also noticed your progress.
You're concerned about the lack of physical and verbal intimacy. Has this been an ongoing problem, or a recent change? What do you think is keeping you two from being more intimate?
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
WHen I say intimicy, I don't mean physical intimicy. We have not ML since early October, before the bomb. Intimicy that I am talking about, is sharing important things with each other. Talking about feelings, etc. Physical touching has been gentle hugs, or a kiss on the cheek. On New Years eve, she kissed me on the lips twice, but that had more to do with the holiday, then her wanting to be physical.
I think what is holding us back is my wife does not feel ready yet. And she does say yet which leads me to believe she will come around someday. I told her she can keep her apartment as long as she needs it to stay with me and work on our problems. I'm afraid that having a place to go, keeps her aloof about the relationship however. I believe that if she committed to making it work, instead of just taking a wait and see attitude, we would be further along. Not my choice however. I cannot control her, nor do I want to anymore.
