here once again.

[kevinlost]

Quick history. Search my name I have been here since 2003.

W has had at least 7 PA's over the last 5 years. I had 1PA 2 years ago today. Back in May W wanted out set up an apartment but when it came time to move she decided to save the marriage. Just an EA going on then. That I know of. I confronted the man and he was a coward wouldnt even admit to knowing her. Fast forward to October things going downhill very fast. Classic signs of cheating. Huge blow up on Halloween night. Ask her what she wanted... Divorce??? She said yes. So I went to see a lawyer. Had papers written up but have not had the 1500 bucks for him to file. Middle of December my Dad loaned me the money to file. She told me not to file until she had moved out besides it would be so cruel for me to file and have her served just before Christmas.
So Here we are again. I think she had a PA back in October but she wont admit it. All she will say is that she is not doing anything now. I think she is affraid to confess to me for fear that I will walk away this time. She is still secretive with her phone. Gets text messages and such. I know she is talking to other men. Especially one that she works with. I think she had a PA with him.
I know I am bad about backsliding. But things are a lot different now then they were before. I have become a Christian, I was even babtised in November. And I have a totally different outlook on life. I am working on having a more positive attitude.

What I dont understand is that she tells me she cant trust me. Doesnt want me, doesnt love me, just wants to get along until she can move out. But then has been confiding in me things that she has never been able to tell anyone else.. ever... She has been putting trust in me by telling me these things. Maybe as tests, I dont know. Also our sex life has been better than it has in years over the last few months.
I see God throwing up road blocks for her every where. Like when things got really crazy in October the transmission went out in her car. So we have had to carpool together everyday. I will finally have the money to fix her car this week.
there are so many signs such as not sleeping good at night, upset stomach and nightmares.I have mentioned these things to my W and she dismisses them as coincidence. She told me all about the dreams and I researched them on the internet and I determined she was struggling with right and wrong and the dreams were telling her to stay with me.
My W used to be an extremely christian woman. Now its like she has turned her back on God. just like she has me. I go to church every sunday since august. W has been once and acted like everybody there knew what was going on and was looking at her. I have confided in my pastor but thats the only one who knows. I believe it was her guilty conscience that got to her. The day I was baptised I wanted her there, she wanted to go but was so sick she couldnt even get out of bed. I took care of her all weekend so she really was sick.
About a month ago I came home from church to her saying we either need to make this work or just go our separate ways. Then the rest of the day we talked about our future together. About moving closer to home. A lot about the kids and such. She really lead me to believe that we were staying together. Then the next day she was like I never said we were getting back together. That really tore my heart up because I was so hopefull.
Over the past few months I have really developed an undying love for my W. She is such an incredible woman.
Too bad I have always let every day life bog us down.
I think she is struggling with everything.
About 3 weeks ago she said that even if things were good between us she would always cheat on me. The next day she said she wants to see a counseler even did some research on the internet because what she said really startled her. But now says she wont go becasue she doesnt want to get started and loose her medical benefits after the divorce and have to stop.
I just dont understand this alien. Maybe she is comming out of the fog or maybe I just need to run as fast as I can to get away from her. We have one son between us and she has 3 from a previous marriage. I feel so bad for the kids the older ones see what is going on and hate that Mom is doing this to our family once again. The youngest is ours together. he doesnt know what is going on but he knows something is not right. He has been acting out lately especially towards his mom.
Even though all this is going on she still sleeps in our bed with me, I have even awaken a few times to her snuggled up to me. She has only not slept in there maybe 4 times over the last 4 months.
I can see toll the stress is taking on her. She is struggling with things. Fighting her conscience.