There have been several great posts recently concerning detachment and giving up.
WCW: Detachment vice withdrawal. “A light bulb went on for me. Sometimes I can detach, and add lovingly. But just as often I just plain old withdraw. That's not a good thing, and I KNOW H feels it, feeds off of it, does it too, I feel it, feed off of it, H feels it,.....see the pattern?”
Nicola: being “detached in the sense that I am not tied to the outcome”
Bill (Bworl): “Getting a life, detaching, these seem to be the bugaboos that so many of us struggle with. I was thinking last night that both are so critical to BOTH our survival and improving the chances that there can be restoration one day. …Getting a life helps us to realize that we can be happy on our own, that we don't HAVE to have our spouses to find meaning, purpose, and satisfaction in our lives. …Detaching keeps us from being lambasted every time our lunatic spouses do the things that tear us apart inside. ….There is never a reason to be satisfied with a relationship that is not fulfilling to me, that doesn't give me the opportunity to feel happy and content.
More from Bill: “Detaching, letting go, moving on, and yet at the same time trying to understand what it means to stand. These are such difficult things for me to feel comfortable with. At various times I feel good about where I am with any one of them, but I realize that rarely do I feel good about the whole package. …Being a stander to me means that there is always a bit of uncertainty hanging over your head.”
Walkingback: “The issue of 'Standing' is one I've never really got my head around. I can kind of understand RCRs views on standing, in that she is fundamentally opposed to divorce, there are no issues of abuse or addiction and she considers her husband is going through some sort of metamorphis from which there will still be a place for her in his life when he emerges. I'm less enthusiastic about those who stand in the face of high levels of disrespect, addiction and abuse. God may hate divorce - but I don't reckon he's too keen on human beings crapping on each other either.”
Great stuff folks, but too much to get my head around. I have come to some personal conclusions but first I have to look deep within and ask what I am really feeling one year after the bomb:
Rejection of my M: My W rejected our M. I do not handle rejection well. I believe I am a good, decent person and I never intentionally set out to hurt anyone. So my self-esteem defense kicks in: I will not accept that W has rejected our 15 years together. She will see I have changed and she will return to me.
Rejection of me: In order for her to detach, my W has chosen to have little interaction with me. If I try to talk to her or show kindness/love it is taken as being controlling and manipulative on my part. She is in effect rejecting me as a person. Not just the M and our life together, but me as a person. My self-esteem defense kicks in big time: This is even more impossible to accept. How can she feel this way? It may sound self-righteous but I will prove that I am a good person; she will see it and return to me.
Blame: I am the LBS therefore I must be to blame for everything. Again the self-esteem at work: self-pity is a very strong defense mechanism. It protects us from being hurt b/c we have already taken on all the blame. Again self-righteous but W will see how sorry I am and how I have learned. She will forgive me and she will return to me.
Her disrespectful behavior: Objectively, W is treating me with complete disrespect. She calls me manipulative. She is taking my kids away from me 60% of the time. She is taking my house and half of everything I own. She does not have the courtesy to discuss things with me. She hurts me every chance she gets. My self-esteem defense again: It is not her fault. She must be in some form of personal “crisis”. She must be sick and/or mentally ill. How else do you explain her behavior? I know her too well. The “aliens” have her. I will forgive her (self-righteously?) and she will snap out of it and she will return to me.
Her attitude: She is cold and she tells me there is no chance of reconciliation. Self-esteem one more time: Her behavior is confusing and I sometimes see “baby steps” towards me. Sometimes she is nice and treats me like a H so she must not be indifferent; therefore she still has emotional attachments. Those attachments must be strong b/c I see how her “hate” towards me appears to be a strained “act” like she is trying to talk herself into something that she does not want. It is not about me, she is just confused. She does not mean it. She will sort it out and she will return to me.
If you put the self-esteem defenses aside and look at it with cold logic then let’s jump to the most likely assessment.
I have been rejected, totally and on purpose. I am totally to blame in her eyes. She is not respecting me, on purpose. She is cold, on purpose. Her attitude is clear: she wants me gone and she wants a new life. There is confusion b/c it is hard to just let-go cold-turkey but she is in no “crisis”. She is not an alien; she is a big girl and she knows full well what she is doing. There are no “baby steps”, just my misinterpretation of what I am seeing b/c I want to see otherwise.
Bottom line: She is NOT going to return to me. I really must accept that fact and the sooner I do the sooner I will be whole again.
So?
I will allow her to be who she wants to be. I will accept her behaviors and not fight them, question them, or interpret them.
I will not tolerate her crossing my boundaries. I will not tolerate disrespect in hopes of getting her back.
I will stand by her and our family; not withdraw. Standing means unconditional support and unconditional love; I will treat her like a human being who is the mother of my children and as I would a friend. “Standing” does not mean “waiting and hoping”. I must give up all hope and I must move on. I am open to the possibility of reconciliation but I will not expect it to happen and I am not tied to this outcome.
I will not beat myself up or allow her actions to tear me up inside. I am better than that.
I forgive myself and put her actions in the proper context. I will pray for further guidance. To me, that is what it means to place my life in God’s hands.
