Thanks for the inputs. I do appreciate them. More than you all know.
I admit I f**ked up on the gift and the card. But so what? I must let it go (thanks WCW).
Fig: I admit I do still have an agenda and that I am trying desperately to control my destiny and therefore control her. That is how I was raised – to stand up for yourself, work hard, carve out your destiny. I must let that go.
Nicola, I admit that I do still have too much invested in the R. I was fine until the holidays, starting at Halloween. I was detached and loving me for who I am.
I admit I am angry, frustrated and scared to death again.
The holidays. Seeing my kids crying when they leave their mom and crying when they leave me. Does Santa go to both houses? Seeing my kids opening presents without Mommy there. Do we leave the gift here or at the “other” house? My kids asking when mommy and daddy are getting back together. Realizing what I pissed away.
Sorry BBA that I appear to be confused and in MLC as you put it. Sorry for being that human. But thanks for caring enough to lay it on the line, including the much appreciated cold bucket of water.
So I do pray for another chance. And frankly I wanted her to know it. I now realize that was a dumb move but as Sheila says I have a right to express my feelings and she can reject them if she wants (Sheila: BTW she did return the earrings). Yes, I did apply pressure but know what – here is this woman who destroyed me emotionally and I should worry about pressuring HER?
Yes, I guess I would if I were detached and not angry.
Nicola, I remember now it was to you that I said it was impossible to detach and to leave the door open. I thought I had that figured out finally – but I guess I do not. But I am thinking hard about your one statement: “I am detached in the sense that I am not tied to the outcome.” By the way, where was the a$$ kicking? Your post was right on. Thanks.
I do not like what I am seeing in the mirror. I so wanted to change but I did not. I don’t know where to go from here.
Enough of this self-pity; I got some more thinking to do. I am ready to put it in God’s hands, if I only knew how.
