Hi Jeff I forgot you moved, but my brain finally kicked in! There is an article by MWD about a man who busted his divorce by deciding to treat his WAW as a beloved friend. Could you find it and read it maybe? That is what Joe did. Yes, I thought he was being selfish and controlling at the time, but our sitch turned me from a LBS to a WAS and like every other WAS, I had to find my way back. He DID detach while still loving and standing by me. He detached from my reactions and stopped allowing them to control his choices. When I pointed out he was selfish and controlling by not letting go, he pointed out that I was being controlling by expecting our family to make my solution work. We were both right in a way. He wanted one thing and I wanted another. That in itself is not selfish or controlling.. that is a difference of choice and opinion. How can him refusing to NOT stop loving, supporting and being friendly to me be controlling? It only controls me to the extent that I let it. I had it pointed out to me by a dear friend that I could stop him from every contacting me, and shove him completely out of my life if I was determined to do that. And, if I had done that, got a restraining order, etc, no doubt he'd have walked away, finally convinced it was over. I have to give him credit. It wasnt easy for him to detach and still send the message that he was there for me and hoping I'd reconsider. He had to deal with a lot of anger from me at times. At times he did step over the line and apply pressure that I didnt want. Thank God he did. Now that I think about it, I'm SO thankful that I have a man in my life that is so determined to give our children the best that he wouldn't allow me to take our family away from them without a fight.
Wait, wait, wait.. well, he did a lot of that, but he wasn't just waiting on me to decide. His decision was to be the best man he could be, for himself, his children and hopefully for me too. If that was as a friend and co-parent, he said he'd deal with that, but if it was as a husband, he'd be thrilled. Regardless of the outcome, he wanted to give us the best. I didnt have to sign up to marry him again for him to assure me that he would still give his children's mother what she deserves. I think alot of that was to make up for his guilt maybe, but it's still an honorable goal.
I'm a little callous.. if the gift bothered her.. so what. That is definately HER problem. You didnt send her a dozen roses and a 100 page loveletter to her office. You gave her a nice gift and stated your feelings, truthfully. You have the right to state your feelings. She can reject them if she chooses. She could have point blank not accepted the gift. You both have a right to choose your paths. She might not admire your decision to not give up at the moment, and she might not ever realize what a selfless gift your offering her, but then again, it could go the other way also. Whatever your truth is, live it. Respect her boundaries, but in order to do that, she has to enforce them also. OK, she doesnt want you to give her gifts... then don't because now you know she has a problem with it. If she goes as far as saying you can't be kind, supportive and compassionate, then she's stepping on your boundaries.
Whatever choice you make, it doesnt have to be black and white. Life evolves.. we change.. we heal.. we travel. The best you can do is live your truth today. You are a Christian man.. I heard something on the radio yesterday that touched me deeply. The man said "In a world of faith, my beauty is defined by Him" As christians, our lives should be defined by Him. The world will tell us a lot of things, but as long as you're straight with the man upstairs, fear not (did you know the bible says that 365 times? one for every day!). I hardly doubt that Jesus would have a problem with forgiveness, compassion, unconditional love, working on your own problems, and well, saving a marriage. I don't doubt either that whatever happens, He planned for it in your life and will make the best of it. The best advice I ever got was "work on yourself and let God take care of J". Being the man you were meant to be, making your choices based on your beliefs is not selfish... it's only selfish if you refuse to consider others or harm them. Most of this has been done your W's way. You given her most of what she's asked for, but no one has a right to tell you what to feel, hope for, how to love, or when to stay or walk away. Rambly, preachy.. sorry!
I forgot you moved, but my brain finally kicked in! There is an article by MWD about a man who busted his divorce by deciding to treat his WAW as a beloved friend. Could you find it and read it maybe? That is what Joe did. Yes, I thought he was being selfish and controlling at the time, but our sitch turned me from a LBS to a WAS and like every other WAS, I had to find my way back. He DID detach while still loving and standing by me. He detached from my reactions and stopped allowing them to control his choices. When I pointed out he was selfish and controlling by not letting go, he pointed out that I was being controlling by expecting our family to make my solution work. We were both right in a way. He wanted one thing and I wanted another. That in itself is not selfish or controlling.. that is a difference of choice and opinion. How can him refusing to NOT stop loving, supporting and being friendly to me be controlling? It only controls me to the extent that I let it. I had it pointed out to me by a dear friend that I could stop him from every contacting me, and shove him completely out of my life if I was determined to do that. And, if I had done that, got a restraining order, etc, no doubt he'd have walked away, finally convinced it was over. I have to give him credit. It wasnt easy for him to detach and still send the message that he was there for me and hoping I'd reconsider. He had to deal with a lot of anger from me at times. At times he did step over the line and apply pressure that I didnt want. Thank God he did. Now that I think about it, I'm SO thankful that I have a man in my life that is so determined to give our children the best that he wouldn't allow me to take our family away from them without a fight.
