hey Jeff...vent away...I understand your frustration. It is really hard to get to a point where detaching and separation aren't the same thing. All I was saying, and I can only speak for myself here, was that I believe that the gift wasn't just a gift. I think that to truly "give" we need to offer what someone else would like to receive. Your wife, clearly, it seems has told you not to give her things. No matter what your intent was, understanding her would have shown you what she would feel your intent was.
I can honestly say that when I was trying to distance myself from someone, detach so I could cononcentrate on myself, I would have felt that the gift violated that request. To ask for space and have your wants and desires thrust upon me would have angered me and made me feel like you were pushing a reconciliation decision on me. She clearly felt uncomfortable being with you at Christmas, no eye contact, leaving right away...and yet you still pushed with your gift and the letter explaining your desire to reunite your family.
I think the main idea behind detaching is to understand that your wants and their wants are not alligned right now and to accept that nothing you do to allign them will work. It is out of our hands. You need to take a deep breath and have faith that a high power will guide your course. You taking a huge breath and saying that you are letting go but really peeking doesn't count. It's that eyes closed, step out off the cliff...faith...the definition of the word is a firm belief even in the absence of proof. I have faith that there is a plan for all of us. I probably don't know the plan so I have to have faith that things happen for a specific reason...even when I don't have proof of the reason...even when I may not like the reason or want the reason or think that I don't even want the plan. My plan was to marry the love of my life, have babies, grow old and watch sunsets. God's plan might be the same only LSS wasn't really the love of my life or maybe God's plan is to help me learn a lesson about love and myself and how putting others first might not always be the right course of action....who knows? I certainly can't say that I am privy to the insights of God.
All I know is that detaching is about giving up your own agenda. I say that giving her a gift had an agenda. It wasn't just giving her a gift...it was giving her a gift with an expectation/desire attached. You expressed that in your letter to her. Giving her the earrings and saying...I was just thinking of you...merry Christmas. Thanks for stopping by...hope you have a great holiday. That might have been met with a different response but you changed the meaning of the giving by the letter you attached which is evidenced by the vigor of the feeling you felt when she did not respond in kind.
