Hi all, Thanks for the great posts. I appreciate it.
I guess I came down hard after the holidays and right now I do not feel at all well. I am very sad again at the loss of my M and my R. I feel so strongly that we can make it work and have a wonderful life. I accept the situation logically and even emotionally, but I can not shake the fact that God will turn this around somehow. My kids do not need to suffer like this. They are so confused by it all.
Christmas was great. It was by far the best Christmas I ever had with my kids. I was really a father this year. We had fun. They loved their gifts. We watched Scrooge on Christmas Eve and shared family traditions. But we were not a complete family. That was a poor tradition to start this year.
I missed my W even though things turned out well. I enjoyed the one on one time with the kids but both parents should have been there when presents were opened.
No card from her and the gifts were "from the kids". Interesting, she did call the day before Christmas Eve when I had the kids and she said she had more gifts for me and wanted to bring them over then. Why did she buy more? She came with her sister and she was all dressed up. Her sister hugged me real big and we started to talk. The kids went on about the great time they were having. I continued to talk to my SIL when W said "I guess it is time we should be going"; like she could not wait to leave. Even the kids said "you just got here".
She never looked at me once; no eye contact. Why did she come?
I did give W a card and gold earrings. I wrote in the card that I was praying for our family to be together again, but no begging or pleading.
This was her response to my gift:
---------- Jeff, I feel uncomfortable accepting the Christmas present you gave me. I feel like it sends you mixed messages and I know it confuses the children. Please don't do it anymore. You and I are in the business of raising children together and that is all. Your wishing otherwise does not make it so.
It's time to move on with this divorce. We should be kind, but practical. Please consider. This would be best for all of us. ----------
Nice. I have not responded. Part of me understands why she wrote this and part of me hurts.
I do read that she still cares or why did she write it. She is hurt and she wants so badly to detach; for me to go away. Gifts and such remind her of the past. She may be questioning things and that is bad from her point of view. She also did not have the kids at Christmas – that must have hurt and of course it is my entire fault. So I feel sad for her.
But I also read it as brutal, heartless and incredibly f'ing selfish of her. She doesn't have to wear the stupid things or even say "thanks" since she's clearly incapable of even civility right now...but to outright reject this small token of the past? What a joke....how incredibly rude and callous...and revealing of her character and mindset right now.
Mixed messages, confusing the children, wishing otherwise, be kind, be practical? Who is trying to control behavior here now?
After the anger subsides all that is left is sorrow; for what is lost and will never be.
So I am in a bit of a funk right now.
But I am realizing one thing: her reaction to the gift is changing my outlook. I must continue to work on this R. I am not ready to call it quits. I will let her move on with her life. I will even help. But I will prove to her and myself and my kids that I will continue to stand by us – I will not just walk away. If she wants to forget and totally detach, that is her call but I will not make that part easy for her. I will not just go away. I am through when I say, not her. Thanks Sheila.
So another page turns. I speak of detachment and that is good. But I forgot about true forgiveness and unconditional love. I must do all. That postures me to show her the Man I am and that I will be strong with or without her. I once wrote to someone here that you cannot do both: you either need to work on the R or move on. I was wrong. Now I feel I can do it together, that they can coexist – continue to work on the R and continue to move on. If I do my best in both, God will decide my fate.
