Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

[LoginName]

oof, HW, a lot of that sounds familiar to me. I wanted to be close to my W (before the Bomb, and now too) and I wanted the closeness that physical intimacy brings. Often, I would lie in bed next to her wanting her, but not initiating because I hated the rejection or the 'ok, but make it quick' type answer.

To me, and for my R, this is a big issue. If, when, my W and I really start mending or building a new R, we will have to solve this problem. I can't go back to the way it was - which ironically, is how it kind of is now: friendly roommates too each other. I don't know what the answer is, but I'm going to look for it.

I do feel that if my W and I get the other issues worked out, and she feels safe, wanted, "in love" again, then physical intimacy will come. I don't know if that applies to you or not. Maybe not.

My best friend is single and knows lots of women who are M or in Rs. He is always amazed at how many of them complain that their SOs don't put out enough. He, and I, have never been in an R where the partner had a higher sex drive than us. Maybe it's a myth that most men want sex more than women.

I know for me, in my M, I got into an unhealthy habit of expecting sex to provide way too much; intimacy, love, romance, fix all the stress of the day, validate myself as a worthwhile person... that was a lot of baggage to put on the act. The longer we went without sex, the more baggage and expectations I put on it. So try not to have expecations.

Maybe C can help in this area? Has it been addressed? Maybe it's still too soon. I sure don't know.

Obviously, this issue is important to me, and I'm confused by it. If you figure it out, let me know.

Why wouldn't a man want to ML to his W? Low sex drive. Low self esteem. Fear of intimacy. Fear of that 'baggage' (my W sensed or knew that I was Expecting her to give me more and to Love me more. That made her resentful. She pulled away. I got resentful. We spiraled down.) Fear of failure. I guess the list can be pretty long. I geuss I won't be able to help you figure it out much.

I know there are books on this subject, including one discussed on this site.

By the way, my wife doesn't like passionate kissing anymore either. It was one of the things she said I was the best at too. go figure. I still like it.

I worry a little bit that when she is ready to ML, I might think too much of OM. I know the first time(s) will be awkward, but I'm willing to face that problem. Small price to pay to ML to my W!

Wishing you the best HW. We'll survive, even this.