Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

[Heywyre]

Personally Kirby, I think if both parties want to work on the M/R then you would be considered in piecing.

I can't see how you can piece something together if one is still destructive in the relationship

My opinion only of course

[kirby]

I agree HW, and isn't that your sitch? Both you and H want to work on it?

[Heywyre]

Yes Kirby - we have both agreed that is where we are heading. On the other hand, we have both also said "if it doesn't work out down the road".

There is no guarantee in life. All we know at this point is that we are trying to salvage what is left and build from there. If we decide we can't live together, we have already confirmed we still want to be in each other's life - so that is a positive in my books. Win/Win

H is a great guy - he just went off the track (twice ) but there are too many GOOD things about him for me to just toss him to the wayside and not give it another go.

Him beginning to read some of the books I have brought home from the library have made a HUGE difference - especially because the two he has read are written by women that have gone through the same thing, although they do have quotes in there from their mates. I think this has given H a whole different outlook from my point of view, and he is starting to express much more remorse and compassion.

He used to be the most caring, compassionate and unbelieveable S you could ever imagine. And, I know when I read some of the other postings on here I feel I don't have anything to complain about. However, you can only compare what's missing, with what you remember you used to have. He was an incredible man, and I want that man back in my life. He is showing me (slowing but surely) that he is willing to try and resurrect that guy.

For instance, he used to buy me flowers quite often (usually for no reason - i.e. because I started a new job or something crazy like that). But, that hasn't happened for as long as I can remember now (probably several years).

When I got home today from work, there was a huge bouquet of flowers sitting on the table. I just about cried and thanked him profusely. He said "I haven't done that for you in a long while and I felt you deserved it" - am I a happy camper? You bet I am

[LoginName]

HW,
My W seems to want to work on our M/R, but she is afraid to commit to it, and especially afraid to lead me to expect that we can work it out. Why? I can make some guesses: 1) still loves the OM 2) she must be hurt so badly from before (I wish I understood what exactly hurt so much) that she doesn’t want to come back into the R until she knows it’s safe 3) She’s in MLC 4) nope, that’s it, I’m out of ideas. But she is working on it, and she did come back, and she does want to be my friend if nothing else. So how bad can it be? Like you, I know my sitch is much better than many.

And like you, I know that it might not work out and we might go our separate ways. And like you, we know we will always be part of each other’s lives. If nothing else, we will both be parents to our kids.

I think that having the attitude that it might not work out, and we would be sad about it but could still be happy and have good lives, is important. I’m thinking it’s part of that detachment that we are striving for; letting go, unconditional love, setting good boundaries.

Someday I will buy flowers for my W, and she won’t feel I’m trying to buy her love back. She’ll be able to accept them as a sign of real love and affection. Who knows, maybe she’ll even buy me some!

I guess we still have work to do and the work will never stop. I hope that I’ll have a real partner in the work someday.

[Heywyre]

Hi LN

I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. Like everyone else on here, I am struggling too.

It seems I can't figure out things from day to day, let alone what will happen "down the road"

For the time being all I am doing is taking it one day at a time, going to C and working on just becoming friends again. I think we lost that somewhere along the way and it made us drift even more. We both realize we "drifted" in more ways than just the A so we are trying to repair that part of our R in the hopes the rest will follow.

My H and I haven't even ML for.... well, as long as I can remember (roughly 3 years - yes, YEARS) so that is also another facet of our lives we have to work on. At least now H is at a point where he admits it is an important part of a R - before he used to say it was overrated. He never was one for being all that sexual but I think it is all part of a good relationship. The interesting thing is we all seem to put way too much importance on it when it isn't there and not even when it is. I guess, like everything else, we need to find that balance.

Of course my ultimate goal would be to be together as a "complete" couple again. As much as we are still together physically, we have a long way to go before we are connected in other aspects of our R. I am somewhat impatient when it comes to things like that and know I have to step back a little and take it slower and not rush things - not easy to do a lot of the time.

[LoginName]

OMG - I may have to go 3 years or more!

[Heywyre]

I hope you don't - it's exceptionally tough at this stage of the game because now that the A is over with, I want to resume that part of our R. However, it has been such a long time, and with H's "not wanting to rush things" its difficult to say the least.

He has never responded to me being the assertive one so I know I have to just wait it out until he's ready. However, that scares me a little because the first thing I think is "if he takes too much time will that just drive him back to OW" - I have to get those thoughts out of my mind

[~Sol]

Heywyre, just continue being as attractive as you can be. My W's biggest complaint about me in bed is that I was never interested in ML, which was not true. That was her thinking, and she even told me was a lousy job I did a few times before! Talk about killing a man's sense of being! Well, that hurt, so now I always initiate it because I think I might push her away in that arena. But she does dress sexually, just not too much that I raise my eyebrows at her. I was never that interested in ML with her until all of this happened. And I always wonder if I am "measuring up".

He has never responded to me being the assertive one so I know I have to just wait it out until he's ready. However, that scares me a little because the first thing I think is "if he takes too much time will that just drive him back to OW" - I have to get those thoughts out of my mind

Don't think about that. Think the opposite, and actions will follow. Do you remember what his turn ons about you were? Just wondering.

[Heywyre]

Do you remember what his turn ons about you were

Quite frankly, I have never changed anything about since we were first together and it doesn't do a damn thing for him. I stopped initiating it because he said he didn't like me taking the lead. Now I lay beside him each night wondering when and if it will ever happen again.

About a month ago he told me (just as he was going out the door - leaving for work - gee thanks!!) that "when I was ready" he would like to ML to me. I just about fell off the bed. That was pretty early after the bomb. But I seriously thought about it and a couple of days later I tried to initiate it and he said "let's just take it easy and not rush things" and that ended it right there - WTF!!!

He now tells me he gets "aroused" but we don't need to rush at things. He also said (news to me) that he doesn't like kissing passionately (no tongues). Heck!!! That was one of the best parts and now that is being restricted too.

I feel like a roommate, other than the fact we sleep in the same bed. He is still very much on cuddling - he always has been, even all through the time he was having both A's. He says its the "closeness" of cuddling that he likes, which just confuses me all the more because if he likes the "closeness", listen honey, we can get closer than that

[LoginName]

oof, HW, a lot of that sounds familiar to me. I wanted to be close to my W (before the Bomb, and now too) and I wanted the closeness that physical intimacy brings. Often, I would lie in bed next to her wanting her, but not initiating because I hated the rejection or the 'ok, but make it quick' type answer.

To me, and for my R, this is a big issue. If, when, my W and I really start mending or building a new R, we will have to solve this problem. I can't go back to the way it was - which ironically, is how it kind of is now: friendly roommates too each other. I don't know what the answer is, but I'm going to look for it.

I do feel that if my W and I get the other issues worked out, and she feels safe, wanted, "in love" again, then physical intimacy will come. I don't know if that applies to you or not. Maybe not.

My best friend is single and knows lots of women who are M or in Rs. He is always amazed at how many of them complain that their SOs don't put out enough. He, and I, have never been in an R where the partner had a higher sex drive than us. Maybe it's a myth that most men want sex more than women.

I know for me, in my M, I got into an unhealthy habit of expecting sex to provide way too much; intimacy, love, romance, fix all the stress of the day, validate myself as a worthwhile person... that was a lot of baggage to put on the act. The longer we went without sex, the more baggage and expectations I put on it. So try not to have expecations.

Maybe C can help in this area? Has it been addressed? Maybe it's still too soon. I sure don't know.

Obviously, this issue is important to me, and I'm confused by it. If you figure it out, let me know.

Why wouldn't a man want to ML to his W? Low sex drive. Low self esteem. Fear of intimacy. Fear of that 'baggage' (my W sensed or knew that I was Expecting her to give me more and to Love me more. That made her resentful. She pulled away. I got resentful. We spiraled down.) Fear of failure. I guess the list can be pretty long. I geuss I won't be able to help you figure it out much.

I know there are books on this subject, including one discussed on this site.

By the way, my wife doesn't like passionate kissing anymore either. It was one of the things she said I was the best at too. go figure. I still like it.

I worry a little bit that when she is ready to ML, I might think too much of OM. I know the first time(s) will be awkward, but I'm willing to face that problem. Small price to pay to ML to my W!

Wishing you the best HW. We'll survive, even this.