Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

[cat03]

oh yea, I'd bring it up, I'm surprised you didn't mention it during C since it bothers you (it'd bother me too!!!)

Remember, dont 'sound defensive -as much as you want to-- keep cool.

[Heywyre]

Thanks Cat

I thought I should bring it up but refrained because my daughter and her bf were there and neither know about our sitch (so didn't want to burst her balloon about what H is actually like)

But I think I will talk to him about it this evening. Like you said - keep calm and don't sound like I am defensive (now if I could just convince my mouth of that - lol)

[Heywyre]

Today is DEFINITELY NOT a good day - aside from the fact it was raining ALL day with low cloud (just the thing we need to lift our spirits eh?) but its also a Monday - the worse day of the week for me because that is the day H used to go see OW (his day off) even though we moved 3 hours away from her - aaaagggggrrrrrrrrhhhhhh

H wanted to go to the library today, so I thought, "I can be strong here, I don't need to check up on him" etc. etc. When I got to work there was already 3 messages on my phone - from H wanting to know if I got there ok (which was nice). He said to give him a call on my lunch break but that he might not answer if he's in the library (because you have to turn all cell phones off)

So just before my lunch break was over, I called him to see how things were going. He didn't answer and it went to voicemail. At first it didn't bother me but then it really started to eat at me because when he used to go see OW I would call him on my lunchbreak (not knowing he was there screwing her of course) and he wouldn't answer. Then he would call me back anywhere from a half an hour to two later saying he had gone into to see someone about a job (which is what he told me for weeks on end on Mondays - what an idiot I was)

Anyway, I started to have a meltdown but had to go back to work (my saviour at this point). When I got home he asked if I was okay. I said today was hard but I got through it. We started to talk about our day and he admitted to me that perhaps today wasn't a good day to go to the library and that he should have taken that into consideration (which made me feel a little better). However, the emotion of it came over me and I started to cry (damn it!!!) and he put his arm around me and said he was sorry for hurting me.

Then he told me he didn't have to work tomorrow either but had already decided he would meet me for lunch - so that was nice too.

So I had some ups and downs but I think I have made it through this miserable day pretty well. Just wish I could go to sleep for about a year until all these feelings were dulled a little and I could cope better.

[kirby]

Wow Heywyre,
It might sound and feel like a bad day to you, but it sounded like a good day to me.
I know how the pain feels. It's frightening to think that it doesn't go away for a long time, if ever. But I already know it does get easier to deal with. I guess it pops up now and again, and feels just as bad as ever, but those times become fewer and farther between.
But I'm envious of your sitch. Your H is working on your M/R. He comforted you. He said he was sorry. He considered how you would feel and he is going to change his behavior to make you feel better. I can't wait until (or if) my W and I get to that point.
The pain is sure real, as is the fear of being hurt again. But Monday is over.
Sorry you had a tough day. Maybe today you can take some comfort from the good that came out of it. Hang in there. Keep doing what you know is right. What do you think, did H earn a thank you for his efforts?

I had a glass of wine with an ex-coworker and still current friend last night. It was good to get support and affection from someone. She told me her story. Her partner cheated on her. She made it through. She told me that forgiveness really is a gift you give yourself. It allows you to live your life again. She said she would never forget what happened, but she has forgiven and choses to trust. If her partner cheats again, she said it will hurt, but won't crush her, and she knows she can handle it. Of course, she said she'd leave if it happens again, but with no bitterness. Maybe some sadness over what could have been. Also, she said that even though she said she forgave, and said it early and often, she really hadn't until one day she woke up and just realized that she had really forgiven. I say I've forgiven my W. I believe it, but I think I've got a ways to go yet before it's real. What about you?

Today will be a good day. Maybe great.

[Heywyre]

Hi Kirby

Thanks for the reply and encouragement. I know I should be more pleased than I am right now that my H is making the effort. However, I guess because this is the second A it is harder to get optimistic about it.

I am at a place right now that I know I can forgive him and, for the most part, I think I already have. That doesn't mean that I will EVER forget what he did to me but it doesn't mean that I have to harbour the anger either. What is done is done. I can't change that. But, at the same time, I don't have to live in this "state" either for the rest of my life. I choose to move forward instead of backwards - for MY OWN sanity, no one else's

I think I've got a ways to go yet before it's real

I know how you feel - as much as I have forgiven (I think) I know it will be a long while before there's a whole day that goes by without me thinking about it. Because I have gone through this before though, at least I know the what to expect in the progress department. Also, we are doing things a whole heck of a lot differently than last time. Which gives me encouragement that it will be successful this time around.

Once again, thanks for your support - I need all the help I can get

Hope your sitch improves too - it sure is a bummer living this way isn't it?

[~Sol]

Hi Heywyre,

Just wanted to drop by and say hello. I started posting here as well and I feel that I am not ready also. I'll go over your sitch and come to give a proper post!

Take care!

[Heywyre]

Thanks for the reply Sol - and welcome to piecing (although sometimes we are not as optimistic and we should be).

When I read some of the postings on the other boards - yikes!! I have to say I am pretty lucky (never to have been through the yelling and screaming phase of things - neither H nor I are like that, never have been)

I have read a lot of your posts on the other boards and find you to be very insightful - hope to hear your "view" on things around here.

Take care

[~Sol]

HW,

I didn't realize this was your second time going through this. I'm sorry for what happened. I don't think I could survive another one from my W. It's too hard. But enough of that thinking...

It kind of feels like we are starting over being on this thread, doesn't it? You are so fortunate that you and your H do not scream when you argue. I never got that from my W, she has this temper that makes me cringe, and when we do argue, I start thinking of just going through a D, but those are my emotions talking, and I do get hurt from that. Piecing is going to be very challenging for me. At least right now it seems that way.

[kirby]

Hi HW, and sol1696,
I feel the same way. It's hard to know if your really piecing or ready to move to the forum. By the way, I'm kirby. I started a new post under MLC under a new name b/c I think my W may be reading my posts. Also, I don't think I'm really piecing yet, I think I need to get through the MLC first.

If either of your S say they want to work on the M/R, my guess is that you're piecing. Mine hasn't decided if she wants to work on it or not, despite going to MC with me. Small favors I guess.

So do you agree? If S says they want to work on M/R, it's peicing?

[~Sol]

Hi Kirby,

That's a good question. I think that a S saying that they want to work on the M is definitely piecing material. However, I didn't get that from my W at first. It took an argument to figure out that she wanted to work on our R. She said, after the incident when I called the police and she told our tenant to move out, "If you want this R then you are going to have to trust me" - or something to that effect. Wel, if THAT wasn't direct enough...

Before this, she would ML on a few occasions, she would tell me to trust her about her recent trip with OM, she kept saying ILY when she left for work, and even told me she was making an effort after I would argue or lose trust in her when she saw me depressed. Even though she is saying she wants to work on the R (which is the big indicator), OM is still in the picture.

So it is hard, but I guess that's what piecing is.

Only you know if your W wants to start to piece the R, but it needs to be admitted by her and for both S's to commit to piecing. Hope this makes sense to us both.....and to you too Heywyre!!!