Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

[Heywyre]

Ok - so here's a dilemma I am in. H takes care of all the finances (I know, BIG mistake). However, he has always been really good at it and, quite frankly, I prefer it that way (he's very meticulous). Unfortunately, that has also made it VERY easy for him to hide things (money spent on OW etc.)

The other day I put our joint chequing and savings accounts online so that I could keep track of my paycheques (new job) that are deposited directly

Well, two days ago, there was $200 taken out of the chequing account so I checked the reconciliation book that we have and H has it marked as withdrawal $200 - "my name"

Well, I know I never got it so where the hell is it going? I really don't want to confront him but on the other hand I know he was giving money to the OW for a while (she has kids and he felt sorry for her - ya right)

Should I wait a couple of days to see if he says anything? After all, if he was taking money from our chequing account for OW (which he didn't do before - he put it on his visa or something) wouldn't he want to be a little more discreet?

I am thinking maybe he's thinking about buying me something but he usually uses his visa and never carries cash.

I am going insane here and thought maybe someone out there could give me a clue as to how to approach this - its pretty obvious he took money out

[Heywyre]

Ok - so here's a dilemma I am in. H takes care of all the finances (I know, BIG mistake). However, he has always been really good at it and, quite frankly, I prefer it that way (he's very meticulous). Unfortunately, that has also made it VERY easy for him to hide things (money spent on OW etc.)

The other day I put our joint chequing and savings accounts online so that I could keep track of my paycheques (new job) that are deposited directly

Well, two days ago, there was $200 taken out of the chequing account so I checked the reconciliation book that we have and H has it marked as withdrawal $200 - "my name"

Well, I know I never got it so where the hell is it going? I really don't want to confront him but on the other hand I know he was giving money to the OW for a while (she has kids and he felt sorry for her - ya right)

Should I wait a couple of days to see if he says anything? After all, if he was taking money from our chequing account for OW (which he didn't do before - he put it on his visa or something) wouldn't he want to be a little more discreet?

I am thinking maybe he's thinking about buying me something but he usually uses his visa and never carries cash.

I am going insane here and thought maybe someone out there could give me a clue as to how to approach this - its pretty obvious he took money out

[cat03]

yea, I hear you, got royally screwed over too because my H used to do the finances (I do them now).

I'd ask him if I were in your shoes, tell him exactly what and how you found out. No accusatory tones, just matter of factly, ask him what was up w/the 200$ withdrawal.

[Heywyre]

Hi Cat

Confronted H (bad choice of word I guess) about the $200 like you suggested. Just started off with "I would like to ask you a question and would appreciate an honest answer" - he agreed. Of course, as soon as I said I noticed $200 had been taken out of the account, H was very defensive and said "all this time you haven't bothered now all of a sudden you are going to start checking. I won't live under a microscope?". I tried to explain (calmly - although I was fuming inside) that he had to give me a little slack and that I was dealing with a lot of insecurities right now and needed him to understand and help me through this. Amazingly, he calmed down and we talked through it. As I should have expected, it was nothing. It was an item I had purchased several months ago, paid for it myself out of money I had but took it back to the store and put the credit on my credit card. He took the money out of the chequing account to give back to me and just hadn't got around to it (because he was going to get some more out for my spending money allottment for the week - we both do that each week ) needless to say, I felt bad. But we talked through it and today it seems fine.

As a matter of fact, he is actually reading one of the books I took out of the library (Back from Betrayal) - its from a woman's point of view, which surprised me he would want to read it. Plus, "those types of books" are not high on his reading priority. He even said it was "hard to put down" - CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!!

Then to shock me even more, he met me for lunch AGAIN today AND said he would like me to keep out the book I am reading now (Monogamy Myth) - once again, a book from a woman's point of view (psychologist) who worked through things with her H. H said he likes reading books like that because it is actual people that have gone through the same things and come out ok on the other side. Plus, it confirms a lot of the emotions he is going through. Because he took psychology as a major in university (minor in criminoloy - ya, I know, go figure eh?) he said he pretty much knows all about what's in those books and understands it but it is nice to hear it from someone else and it just confirms the feelings and emotions he is going through right now. He says that makes him know he is on the right track. At the same time, he will repeat things in the book and say something like "is that what you are going through" or "is that how you feel". He even told me today that he feels bad for the OW because he has let her down (he felt he was helping her - primarily emotionally, but also financially) and that now he has let her down or abandoned her (something the C said might affect him because he was adopted and he is acting out what happened to him) but aside from that he also said he felt really bad for what he has done to me - confirmation!!! Just what I needed to hear (because I was feeling a little down today). I told him that I appreciated him telling me that but also he couldn't keep beating himself up - he agreed and said we would just keep working at it.

Now, on another note, he also wondered if it would be better to see a woman C than a guy. He has always felt women know how to deal with these types of things (emotional matters) better than men - what do you guys think? (personally I am skeptical of him being near any woman - C or not - and I really don't want to screw things up, I think we are progressing, slowly but progressing nonetheless)

[cat03]

so he got defensive, that's on him and not your fault, he's the one who shattered your trust and it is only normal that you ask, so don't feel bad. I think you should have all the rigths to aks, specially if he was helping her financially.

Anyways, glad he is reading the books, you are lucky he's open to that, wish my H would be like that. Anyways the C being m or f, it all depends on the C. Our C was male, and he was excellent, it all depends on the quality of the C.

And I understand how you feel now, it took me until now (H was back in April) to not worry about H and other women. Remember that our imaginations run wild for a while, so don't worry so much about it, it seems your H acknowledges how dangerous and destructive As can be, I dont' think he'd be looking for anything right now.

[Heywyre]

Thanks Cat - your reassurance is always grateful. It's nice to have someone else's perspective on things to put them in order.

You are right, it wasn't my fault and I have every right to ask. After all, bottom line, I am bringing in more money right now than he is (not that it ever concerned me before) and I figure he was giving her MY money too so there!!!

Ok, got it all out of my system.

Also his cell phone bill comes in soon. I have mentioned it to him before about wanting to see it. He (once again) got defensive but said ok. However, I have decided that if and when it comes in and he hands it to me, I am just going to say "if there is something on there that I need to see, or you need to talk about, then I will look at it. Otherwise, it is in the past and let's just move on."

[Mamabear]

Hi there,
I too am dealing with similar issues, i.e. money being deducted from our checking account and the cell phone bill.

In the midst of my H's A I found out that he had a prepaid cell phone. He apparently got this after I confronted him about his calls with OW on his regular cell phone. Now supposedly the A is over, (even though there was one very long call to OW last month on our bill) but I am worried that the money he is withdrawing is to pay for his prepaid phone card. I know, I could be a little paranoid.

In any case, I want to question him about the withdrawls but I don't want to be controlling. If it is for the phone card, then of course, he will lie. If it is harmless, then he will get defensive and say I am acting like his mother checking on every little thing he does.

[Heywyre]

That's exactly what my H did (pre-paid phone card) when he knew I was checking up on him. Then he called the phone company and got them to put on extra security, dual passwords etc. so I couldn't access his account. After the first A I thought I would be decent about it (what the h$ll was i thinking?) and confess that I had been checking up on him and I wouldn't do it again). What a mistake that was. Now I have absolutely no access to his accounts at all and it is driving my crazy, but at the same time, checking all the time can drive you insane too. I have to get out of the habit of doing that. I know H is trying a heck of a lot harder this time (trying to be open, honest, reading books etc.) but it doesn't build my self esteem back that has been shattered (TWICE!!!!). I just hope I can get through this again because I know for sure there is no way I am going to go through it a third time. This is his last stop to prove himself.

I guess my out (with asking him about the financial stuff) was that I make more money than he does (which isn't a big deal - for me anyway) and its a joint account. I have every right to know what's going in and out of that account.

[Heywyre]

So here's an update on our sitch

We went to see the C tonight (we usually go every week and it has REALLY been helping). We have had our ups and downs this week but we seem to be at an even keel at this point (fingers crossed)

H told C about one of the talks we had a couple of days ago and how a "light came on" (news to me) when I said to H, after he commented about maybe not being together down the road "if we don't stay together will you still be my friend". He immediately said "of course".

H told C that he never thought of me as his "friend" and when he did start thinking like that, which he said he thought was important (to be friends) in a relationship, he realized what a terrible thing he had done and how he would never have betrayed his male friends like that, but he did me. H said I never thought of women as friends. C said "what did you think of women as". H said "objects" (nice eh?)

But H said, once he really started thinking about us as being friends he realized we have drifted apart, because we were friends originally, and how we've lost that. And now that he thinks about it again, it has made things "lighter" and he can see it from a different prospective. He also told the C that he is reading a couple of books and will try to read as much as possible over the next weeks and months on the subject.

Needless to say, I was thrilled to hear that. I think he really is seeing a different side of things. He even told me again how sorry he was and that by reading the books he is starting to realize how much he has hurt me.

When we got home from C, his cell phone bill had come in the mail. He handed it to me without opening it and said "you wanted to see this", and confirmed there was nothing to see anyway but I was free to open it.

I said "no thanks, if you say there is nothing to see, I will take your word for it. After all, friends don't lie to each other do they". He said "no, they don't" and smiled.

It was hard in one way, not to look at the cell bill, but at the same time, saying no seemed to impower me too. I am feeling pretty good tonight. I just hope the feeling continues.

Now if we could just see some action in the love department, that would be a REAL improvement. Guess I shouldn't push it huh?

[Heywyre]

Not feeling all that great today. Went to visit our daughter and thought I would have a good day, without any "thoughts" but it wasn't to be. We all went out to lunch together and H started flirting - with the waitress. Before you knew it, she was putting her hand on his shoulder, asking him how his meal, etc. etc. was - totally ignoring the rest of us - arrrrrrrrgh. Then, of course, the bill comes along and he wants to give her an "extra" tip - how about the tip of my boot??

I know I shouldn't get my knickers in a knot about it, after all, I was right there. But, it really bugs me when he does that. I know he probably doesn't mean it but when we went to the C, he told us we needed to set some boundaries and that is definitely one of mine. We are supposed to be respecting each other's boundaries - what the heck is his problem! H flirts ALL the time with other women - it bugs the crap out of me!

Should I say something? And, if I do, how do I approach it - I don't want to come across as being a whiner but at the same time, he needs to know that its a line he's crossed (yet again)