Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

[cat03]

oh oh! while you are at, you can either check out:

The proper care and feeding of husbands

or

For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn

Every woman should be handed either book as they get married

[runningoutoftime]

Hi Heywyre,

I just wanted to share that I too say many more ILYs than my husband ever has or ever will. I also grab him and hug him daily, kiss him a lot and often remind him of what is wonderful about him. Although much of that is just who I am. I give my kids and pets lots of affection too.

Sometimes I do worry about doing it too much, but then I think my husband will only appreciate me more for being so loving. Also, if he does decide to leave he'll lose something very special. Someone who selflessly and honestly loves him faults and all.... and doesn't have a lot of expectations of him. But when he does something nice or loving I do let him know how much I appreciate him. I really don't think you lose anything by giving love.

[Heywyre]

runningoutoftime

I totally agree - as much as I would love to hear it back everytime I say it, that's not the reason I say ILY. I say it because I mean it and I can already see the difference in my H by doing so. As much as I probably say it more than he does, he is starting to say it more lately which is always nice.

He asked me the other day "after all I've done to you, and for all the pain and hurt I've caused you, how come you still love me"

I had to think really fast on that one I tell ya! (to some degree) I wanted to give him a really good answer but at the same time I didn't want him to think that what he did was okay, acceptable or that I condoned it.

I told him that regardless of his actions, which I don't condone one little bit, he is still a wonderful man. People make mistakes, not always ones that involve just themselves, and that he was suffering enough dealing with the emotions of what he has done. I told him it was time to stop beating himself up and for us to move on to another level. I said I knew we could never go back to where we were originally, and that made me sad, but I also confirmed that we could have a fresh start and form new memories and a new relationship together - perhaps even better than the old one.

He agreed and I noticed the next couple of days he was much lighter. As a matter of fact, last night he was even joking around a little - something I haven't seen in him for a long long time.

[runningoutoftime]

That's funny my husband will sometimes ask the same thing. Even through the pain there are plenty of good reasons. I can separate out the good from the bad and love him for things in the past and good and admirable things that I know are inside him.

I have a close friend who was pretty happily married for 26 years and when her husband went into MLC and the whole senario she couldn't seem to get over him "doing this to her." Regardless of what I'd say she'd hold onto her anger and bitterness. Her divorce will probably be final this month. For a long time I would try to calm her down and explain... yes, what he's doing now is painful and wrong and I can't blame you for feeling hurt and angry, but on the other hand... this is a guy who gave you 2 great kids, 26 years of a fairly good marriage, you're getting half his house and alimony. What about appreciating that!!!! What about wanting someone who gave you so much to be happy regardless of where that might be (I basically was trying to convince her to DB, but she did everything opposite of what I told her even through she did tell me everything I told her made logical sense ).

[Heywyre]

I guess her M wasn't worth saving - I know mine is.

As a matter of fact, today when I got home from work I was bound and determined that no matter what I was going to be cheerful (as beyond difficult as that is these days). When I came in the door, I went into my H office and he was sitting behind his desk. I gave him a kiss and said "how is my favourtest person" (I know that's not a word, but we've used it in the past).

His response was "after all I've done, I'm still your favourtest person?".

I just said "yup" and he smiled.

Then he said, "if we don't end up living together, will I still be?".

And, I said "yup". He said "how can that be?"

I said "because I love you and always will". - he smiled

I think I can consider that to be a step in the right direction wouldn't you say?

[Heywyre]

Major Update (or at least I think it is )

H and I were talking about our R and he said to me:

"If I love you, I want to find out why I did those things to hurt you".

I would say that is definitely a BIG baby step is it not? The fact that he actually wants to find out WHY he did it?

Comments anyone?

[Aud31]

Of course it's encouraging to hear him say that...and I myself tend to look for answers from the 'whys' (in fact, would LOVE to hear a lot of the things your H is saying to you), but I also think that it's important to put more weight on solutions and your future relationship. (Obviously, some things need to be resolved in order to prevent future problems.) Just my 2 cents. Hang in there hon!

[Heywyre]

Thanks Aud

Yes, we are definitely focusing on the R too. H does seem to really want to get to the bottom of things but, at the same time, is saying things like "if we aren't together down the road ..." and that makes me a little sad but I try not to let it pull me down. I think he is just a little insecure right now (and of course so am I) but at the same time I don't want to say "don't talk like that we'll be okay" because that might put too much pressure on him too.

Instead I just tell him we're going to take it one day at a time for now.

[cat03]

why I did those things to hurt you

that's a man to you, and that's pretty much why my H was so miserable when he came back, he just couldnt' but wanted to understand why he did all those things. I kept telling him of all the other MLCs I knew of,that they are known for doing things totally out of character. He just couldnt' believe he lost control, that's what really freaked him out, how things got so out of hand, why he became so weak, weak enought to have the A.

Perhaps get him a book to understand what a MLC is, that' way he'll stop questioning his love for you, that it really didnt' have to do w/his feelings towards you but just the time came when his mind questioned his choices in life.

if we aren't together down the road

when he says these kind of things ask him if he is afraid things won't work out, chances are that's the reason, my H was also afraid, before and after he came back that we'd slip back into hold habits and go down hill again. Tell him it saddens you to hear him say it, he prob might not even be aware it bothers you.

My H also still can't understand how I can forgive him, he even confesed to me a while ago that he still expected me to extract some sort of "revenge", that when I got too mad that's what he thought I was doing, acting on the anger he thought I harbored towards him.

[Heywyre]

Thanks Cat

Yes, I think when H says "if we aren't together down the road" or "if we can't live together", I truly do believe it is his way of dealing with the fear that it might happen and its his protection mechanism kicking in to (once again) protect him from the hurt that might be coming.

I guess I just have to hang in there and keep reassuring him. He has said on occasion (before and after I knew about the A's) "I don't know why you stay with me after all I've done to hurt you, all the others did" - however, even those relationships in his past were not good, he didn't have A with any of them. My response to that statement has always been "because I love you" - hopefully it will sink in soon