I feel (semi) strong today - probably because we are going to the psychologist today - YAY!!! It's been two long weeks but seems like 2 months
H initiated another "talk" last night. As much as I have told him talking is the way I have to deal with it, and he is totally opposite, he is the one that has been doing the initiating all this week - which I would say is a good thing no?
I think it is mainly because he is scared right now that this might not last. He is concerned he has gone just one step too far and may never get me back. Is it ok to let him think/feel this for a while or am I being cruel? It's not like I am doing it on purpose or anything, it's just that I am in no position to make a decision right now and I've told him that. I said a lot depends on his actions and how I feel regarding being able to trust him again. He said he understands but at the same time I wonder sometimes if he will eventually say "enough is enough and she will never trust me so why bother trying anymore". I know that is being negative so I try not to dwell on those thoughts but it is still too early in on this second bomb to know how I am going to feel a month, two months, a year from now. After the first time I never thought I would be able to forgive him and move on but I did (sort of). I was almost to a point where I was feeling comfortable again most of the time. There was just the odd time something would set me off. But then it happened again so now, of course, I have the feeling that if I get too comfortable it will happen again. I don't know if I can get over this second bout, but I can tell you this for sure, there is no way in h*ll I would be able to survive a third go-around.
Which brings me to the dilemma of how do you know if they are just taking you for granted, knowing you will stay, as opposed to appreciating that you are giving them another chance? I have confided in one friend and they are VERY concerned for me. They tell me all the things I want to hear to boose my moral and self confidence. They tell me what a wonderful person I am and that I shouldn't have to go through this pain and as long as I stay, he will never change and that I need to get out NOW to save myself.
I try to tell them I love him and that I think we can work things out but they say he will never see how lucky he is, and what he's got, until its not there. I cater too much to him and he expects it. When that person (me) is not there doing everything for him, maybe he will realize what he's lost and start working to get it back. In the meantime, there is no way he is going to make an effort.
I care for my friend deeply but I think they are wrong. However, maybe I have blinders on and am not thinking rationally.
comments?
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
