Am I piecing? I am sooooo confused

[Heywyre]

Thanks Concerned for your reply

I know it is a slow process but at times it just seems to stand still or go backwards - time, time, I know

Yesterday was a complete mess. I had asked H several days earlier if he would like to rent a movie for NYE - he agreed as there was a movie he'd wanted to see for a spell (the counsellor actually suggested it to him one time). So, I bought a bottle of his favorite wine, make a few snacks and we settled in to watch the movie.

His spending time with this one friend (male) in particular has been somewhat of a pain in my side the last little while as he calls him constantly, meets him for coffee every Saturday and Sunday morning (at 7 am) and never has breakfast with me (Saturday used to be our breakfast out day - which was always special to me). It just seems like he is constantly at our house or my H is out with him (the man lost his wife 3 years ago so basically doesn't have a life of his own). Anyway, we're right in the middle of a good conversation (NOT about the R) when he picks up the phone and calls this guy - give me a break! Can I not even have one evening without him being in our lives? To make matters worse, H had already called him 3 times earlier and left messages, plus had driven by his house a couple of times to see if he was home (I was with him when he did this). I know part of my H problems is he has a compulsive behaviour and I am trying to understand this but it just was not a good time for this to happen.

Needless to say, we got in a heated argument (but no yelling - I refuse to do that) and ended up sleeping in the space room (which is something I have never done since day one of our marriage). I just couldn't stand the pain any longer and felt like I was going to explode. I thought for sure H would come and get me but he didn't - that just made the pain worse and my mind started working overtime with thoughts of he doesn't care and this is it, it's over.

We had planned to go to an exhibition in town today and when he came to wake me up, I was so exhausted I just felt I wanted to stay in bed all day (which was not a good thing and definitely showed signs of depression - I've been though major depression before (after the first A) so I know what it feels like). I am verging on it but know I can pull through this time without the drugs - which I would prefer to do if at all possible.

I really didn't feel like looking at any exhibition and told H to go himself, that I wouldn't be very good company anyway. He said "some company is better than nothing and I think it would do you good to get out". He was right. As much as I felt I was walking around in a fog most of the day, it was still better than a pity party at home by myself.

We then went for something to eat afterwards - still very quiet, and came home. We had a cup of tea and he began to talk about the R and made it very clear to me what his intentions were. He said he knew it was going to be "very, very, very, very hard" for me to trust him again and maybe I never will be able to and if so, he understands. And, if I can't ever trust him, and we don't stay together, he said "when people ask me about you, the only thing I will be able to say is that she is a really good person". He told me how intelligent and strong I was (which I surely don't feel) and that he was sorry to have hurt me so deeply but that his intentions were to rebuild our marriage and not S unless there was no alternative. I needed to hear that and as much as it doesn't stop the pain, at least I have some hope back in my life and it has given me the strength to try and overcome this trust issue that seems to dominate my life at times.

Thanks for listening