This is my first time writing but I need to get a certain amount of things off my chest so I can heal and move on. I will try and be as brief as possible but there are a number of facts that have to be told to understand (as best as possible) the whole story.
The first thing I want to make absolutely clear is that I DO NOT condone what my husband did (affair) in any way, shape or form. It was a very disfunctional way of dealing with problems he has and nothing more. Here goes ...
After 5 years of marriage (second marriages for the both of us) we moved up north for 9 years (where he used to live once before). He had experienced several bad relationships there prior to us getting together and I was a little concerned about him "going back" and getting involved in "that scene" so to speak. It was not a pleasant 9 years that's for sure. In the last few years we were there our marriage was strained and we drifted apart (I can see that now). He had bought a business and his partner turned on him. During that time he also found out he had been adopted from birth but neither of his parents were alive at the time so he had no one to ask questions of. I searched only to discover his biological mother 6 months too late and one half-brother that wanted nothing to do with him so that just ended in more rejection.
He then went into major depression and started contacting escort services. He connected with one in particular and ended up having a year-long affair with her (yes, we have both been tested since). Needless to say I was devestated. We had had very little sex in the previous couple of years before his affair (his choice, not mine) and he wrote it off to getting older and just not having the drive (I have to admit, he never was one for a lot of it from day one). In a nutshell, he has always been a very compassionate person, helping those that cannot help themselves (one of the things I loved about him) but he doesn't know when to stop and also have a compulsive obsessive side. He said he just wanted to help this person get out of the situation she was in. I still have my doubts about that but he has stuck by that story (not as strongly though) since day one, even though he admits it was a stupid way of dealing with things and takes full responsibility for his actions.
We went through tremendous hurt and it was extremely difficult for a couple of years but things got better, we moved and had a new life and new jobs in a new city. Then we had a very serious car accident which sent him back into depression. He then lost his job (the first time in his 40 year work-life) and that just sent him over the edge. Once again, he reached out to someone other than me. This time it lasted about 10 months. However, by the time I confronted him we had already been living in another city for about 5 months. During that 5 month period he had been going to see her every single Monday (his day off, when I was working) This is a 3-hour drive one way, plus the gas, toll charges etc. There were also numerous telephone calls in between. Once again, my heart had been ripped out and my life pulled out from under me. Could I go through this again?
When we had moved (his choice - to be closer to family and friends to help him deal with the depression) I had told him one of the conditions is that we seek counselling, which we have been doing for the past 3-4 months. But, during that time, he was also still seeing this woman (that I didn't know about). However, he swears that he has not had sex with her since before we moved and he has been struggling with telling her the last 4-5 times he has seen her. We have talked very openly about the "details" and he said he told her multiple times it was wrong what he was doing but for some unknown reason he couldn't stop himself.
He is currently on a fairly high dosage of anti-depressants and the doctor is monitoring him to see if he might need to supplement him with another medication.
There are numerous smaller details but that is the greater part of it. In the meantime we are still going to counselling and doing the best to deal with the emotions/feelings and they arise. We are also trying not to go at each other's throats and that has impressed the counsellor who claims we are dealing with a very difficult situation very maturely (not that it makes me feel any better, I just think I'm too exhausted to fight anymore).
The bottom line is, we both want to try and salvage our marriage. My husband realizes I am willing to try but cannot, at this time, promise him anything. He is very emotional at the thought of losing me but understands that it might be too late to save it. However, I have told him (and I am true to my word) that regardless of what happens in our marriage, I still want him to be part of my life. I just might not be able to have an intimate life with him anymore. He cried and cried and cried but said he knew what he had done and understood. He said he is committed to trying to save what he can, even if it means only a friendship between us.
I gave him a letter today (which I have done in the past when emotions are running high and I can't seem to get things out in person) which told him I was taking my power back, it was too exhausting to continue on like this.
He told me he appreciated me being so straight forward and complimented me on being "such a strong woman" and he said he would like to think if it was the other way around he would be as understanding and non-vindictive as I have been.
I have been extremely long-winded but there is a question here. Does anyone think it at all possible that this marriage can be saved? Is it possible for him to "fix" whatever it is that is making him do this (the counsellor has several theories at this point)? Can we get passed this and actually have a decent marriage still?
My heart aches at the thought of not having him in my life, regardless of the pain he has caused me, and himself. But I know, at the same time, I have to save myself and refuse to go down with the ship again.
He also has told me that regardless of what happens between us, he has to get this (calling escort services) out of his life because it is not only hurting other but also destroying himself.
Any suggestions, comments or encouragement greatly appreciated.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
It sounds to me like you've put extraordinary effort into your marriage. I commend you on that. My thoughts about this is you'll have to weigh everything very carefully to make whatever decision you feel is best for yourself.
The way I see your husband's situation is that he's a person with an addiction problem. Just like some people are addicted to drugs, he seems to be addicted to the feelings he gets from these relationships.
I think you understand this and that's why you are probably able to handle this situation so well. You're not taking it personal. Which is good.
As far as where to go you'll have to determine that. In the meantime I do agree your husband needs to go into some very good psychotherapy. Maybe even some type of cognitive behavioral therapy...
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Yes, I do believe he will need a lot of good pyschological help - and he seems to realize that too.
We had a "good talk" last night - initiated by him and he told me about the "big tangled ball of emotions" he is dealing with right now but is holding steadfast regarding "being careful" at this point about making impulsive moves. He seems to understand the ramifications of doing this again - which I guess is a baby step in solving the problem.
I know I am far from being out of the water, but it is encouraging to know he is trying
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
H wanted to go for a drive today. I knew that meant "talking" again but it was his initiation and although he doesn't usually like to "talk", especially about our sitch, he obviously needed to get some things out in the open.
We talked about him being too independent and not "needing" anyone in his life - especially his loved ones (including me). He seemed shocked when I told him I used to dream he would one day tell me how much he needed me in his life - what spouse doesn't want to hear that? He just sat there and stared into the distance and said "I never have, have I?" - I thought, no you haven't, not even once in 18 years.
He sat there for a few minutes longer and sadly said, "I've never told anyone that".
How pathetic am I? Staying home for NYE - but at least H and I are going to watch a movie together. He's sleeping right now (which seems to be about 90% of his life - regardless of the AD he's taking) but I plan on being light and just having a good time. I've bought his favourite bottle of wine (which he doesn't know about) and intend on making some nice snacks for the two of us while watching the movie. Now, if he would just get it out of his mind about inviting his friend over (this is the one that seems to spend more time with him than anyone else - I am beginning to wonder (kidding)
HAPPY NEW YEAR's everyone - I hope 2007 bring you all the best of happiness and health
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
(kidding)