Not giving up! (Take II)

[Heywyre]

Time is a REAL bad thing for people that are going through what we are. It plays tricks on us (nasty, nasty tricks at that)

Hang in there sweetheart

[not_giving_up]

I think the bad thing to staying so busy is that it is almost like I am running from the emotions. Like I am avoiding the inevitable.....I just keep thinking that I don't want to start my life over again. I want my H to see the changes in me and know that our family is worth something.

Sorry....I just need to get home and be with my kids. I am just so anxious and nervous to get this whole ride with H over. I just have fears in me. I really wish I had brought my bible with me. I do have my prayers with me. I will try to say them constantly in my head on the way home. Other than that, I will try to sleep. Anything to keep my mind from wandering.

Thanks for your support H!

[Heywyre]

You are not running from your emotions, there will always be time for those (they will find you, trust me!). But, keeping busy will take your mind off the problems for a little while, allowing your mind to rest from the burden of the fears and tensions in your life.

"making" your H see something will never work. They have to see things for themselves - something we have a hard time accepting. You just need to keep making those changes because regardless of whether he sees them or not, YOU will be a better person for it and it will be his loss, not yours.

[Aud31]

"making" your H see something will never work. They have to see things for themselves - something we have a hard time accepting. You just need to keep making those changes because regardless of whether he sees them or not, YOU will be a better person for it and it will be his loss, not yours.

Great advice. I really need it this afternoon...Hang in there NGU. You are strong, and loved. My prayers are with you too.

[Aud31]

How did your trip home go?

[not_giving_up]

Things did not go so well. I had decided that when he picked me up, that I was going to try to let him do all of the talking. He knows where I stand and how I feel. It took him about 15 minutes to even say anything. I asked him if we were going to ride home in an awkward silence. He said "No, there are just so many things and I don't know where to start." So the first thing he said was that he didn't feel like he was part of the family. I told him that I was sorry and that I have had to learn how to cope without him for the past 4 months.

By the time we got home, he still had not said too much. We just sat in the car for a while. I asked him to go to counseling with me and he told me "NO. It isn't what I want to do." It ended pretty badly. I confronted him about telling OW that he had asked for a divorce but he really had not. I tried to stay calm but OW called him 3 times. The 3rd time, I asked him to let me answer it and he said no. So, I know, I know.....I did the wrong thing. I got my phone out and called her. I told her that we were still talking. She knew that we were going to talk when he picked me up. He got pretty pissed and got my suitcase out of the car and took it to the porch. I stayed in the car and tried to keep my cool. He told me that he would contact someone on Monday. I told him that just because he gives me papers, doesn't mean that I have to sign them. Because in the end, I don't want a D or a dissolution. He told me that he would be over on Saturday to see the kids and I just said, "if we are home." I guess I started to let the anger get the better of me. I told him not to bother coming around anymore. He got even angrier. He told me "Don't you dare tell me that I can't see my F'n kids." I told him "until you can deal with me, then you don't need to come around." A few more things were said and then I got out, he sped off.

So about 45 minutes later, I called him. I wanted to apologize for the way that I had talked to him and for saying some of the things that I had said. I told him that he hasn't let me get angry over this. That I was just suppose to accept it and move on. He apologized for him outburst and said that he would call me on Sunday.

He did call. About 3:00pm. I let it go to voicemail. For the first time, I didn't answer his call on purpose. I called him back about 30 minutes later. He asked me if we were home and I told him no, I was out to eat with the kids. I told him that I would call him when we were headed home. So at 4:50pm, I called him. It took him until 6pm to get over to the house.

I had to put our D to bed shortly after 7 because she had not napped and was getting rather tired. He took her up and we talked for a minute. I told him that I just can't walk away from him and this marriage. He told me to do what I needed to do. So I then told him that he needed to tell our S5 the truth. He keeps lying to him and telling him that he is staying with a friend and would build his little hopes up only to crush them. He was doing the same to me. So he asked me if I wanted him to tell him the truth...I said "probably."
He came downstairs and I told our S5 that we needed to talk to him. H got pissed again and was storming out of the house. He couldn't follow through. I went outside with H and told him that we needed to tell S5. He is smart and knows that his daddy isn't staying where he says he is. It turned into another hissy fit right there in the street. I told him that until his family was his priority, he didn't need to come around anymore. He said that he would be over today.....I told him again "if we are home." I had told him that we are now on my schedule and not his. He cussed at me and then said something as I was walking back into the house. I didn't hear him so I went back out. I asked him what he said and he said "You heard me." I said "No I didn't." He wouldn't repeat and sped off.

I was ok....I came back in and had a private meeting with my S5 in my bedroom. I told him as much of the truth as I thought he needed to know. That daddy was living with an OW and that he was welcome to come home. But even if he didn't, we would be ok. I told him that if daddy doesn't, then maybe mommy will find someone who will love him and his siblings and take good care of us. So that is where I left it with S5. He is bound and determined to talk to daddy and make him come home but I told him that all we need to do is speak nicely to daddy. I put him to bed and that was that.....

Much more to tell but that is enough for this post.....TO BE CONTINUED!

[not_giving_up]

So, I come back down from putting S5 to bed and layed on the couch with S4months. We were watching the OSU basketball game when my cell rang.......it was OW. I was rather rude when I answered because I thought it was another one of those, rub-it-in-my-face kind of calls. She called to tell me that something that I had said to her while I was sitting in the airport really hit a nerve with her. She said that she was with her H and kids at her old home and that she was having a good time. I had told her on Friday that people really do change and that her H deserves to be treated with respect. That she should not do the same thing to him that H is doing to me....leading me on.

So back to my convo with OW.... She said that he really had changed. That he was doing things that he had never done. That his attitude was so much different. She said that she was having a great time. She said that she had told my H that she was not coming home to their apt for a while and that she didn't know when she would. She said that she wanted H to hit rock bottom and decide for himself what he really wanted. She said that she owed it to me and my kids. She realized that if she were in my shoes, she would want someone to do that for her. She said, "I am giving you and Mr. NGU this chance to work out your marriage." More things were said and I was very kind to her. I told her that I didn't hate her, I just hated what she was doing. Her H asked her who she was talking to and she told him. He said hi to me and then said that he knew what I was going through. She said that he asked her to go to counseling and to church tomorrow (meaning today) and she said that she really wanted to. I ended up giving her some counsel while on the phone. I told her that even though things may not work with my H that she should take was is being given to her and her H, and run with it. I ended the call nicely and left it at that. I knew that it was not best to call H and see how he was seeing that the convo we had right before she called was pretty bad. I had told him that just because I get served papers, didn't mean that I had to sign.

Well, 30 minutes later my cell rang again. I didn't get to it in time so the home phone rang. It was H. Here is the jest of the convo.

Me: Hello
H: Why can't you leave F'n sh!t alone.
Me: What are you talking about?
H: You talked to her.
Me: What happened to saying Hi, did you talk to OW?
H: What is your problem?
Me: I didn't call her, she called me.
H: What did you say to her?
Me: She told me that she was with her H and kids and was having fun. She said that she was giving us this opportunity to work on things.
H: I told you I'm not coming home.
***Click*** he hung up on me.

I tried to call him back but he wouldn't answer. So I got in the van and took off. I headed over to see him because I didn't deserve to be talked to like that. I did nothing wrong. On the way there, I called a friend, OSU, and asked him if he had heard from H. He said no, but he was suppose to meet up with OSU to go out for his birthday. He was giving me some good advice and was trying to calm me down. By the time I got to where H is staying, I was pretty calm. I was just sitting in the van on a side street talking to OSU.

H finally answered his cell and said "WHAT?"
Me: J are you willing to listen to me.
H: I don't know.
Me: I did not call her J, and I didn't deserve to be talked to like that.
H: Well, she won't even answer my calls.
Me: She called me and asked me to keep the convo between us. You had made some comments to me the other day about if things didn't work out with OW.....
H: Doesn't mean that I meant everything I said.
(I could hear him come back into the house and it sounded like he was yawning.)
Me: Are you yawning?
H: NO!
Me: Are you crying?
H: I am just so pissed right now.
Me: Well, I don't what you to ruin the shot that you have sitting right in front of you. I don't want you to say anything out of anger.
H: Ok, I will call you later
Me: Later tonight or tomorrow?
H: I don't know
Me: Ok, ILY

*Click* Hung up.

I got home and went to bed. At midnight, my cell rang. It was OW. She started talking to me and then I had a beep, it was H. I told her that I would call her right back.
H:I just wanted to apologize for blowing up at you earlier.
Me: That's ok. Are you alright?
H: Yes.
Me: I just called you earlier to let you know to be careful when you come over tomorrow. It is suppose to snow.
H: Ok, I will talk to you when I come over tomorrow.
Me: Ok.

So I called OW back so she could finish her convo. She was telling me that she was following through with it. She was going to tell him to work on his marriage first and if it doesn't work, she would be there. But she told him that she hopes it works out. He came walking up her steps and she said "I am talking to J." I think he may have gotten upset. She said that if she could do it, she would pack his things and send him out. I told her that I hope she followed through with what she was saying. She told me that she and her H went out dancing and had some appetizers. She said that she had a good time.

Is this a sign? Is God answering my prayers? Did H just call me because he was on his way home and saw her car and knew that she was at the apartment? Or did he really feel badly about the way he had talked to me?

Only time will tell. He said that he would talk to me when he comes over today.

Please continue praying...I need all that I can get.

[not_giving_up]

Update on the weekend:
So I called H after we got out of church yesterday to let him know that we were on our way home. He said that he was going to go play basketball with some friends and that he would be over after that. He asked me if that was ok and I said yes.

He called back around 4 or so and said that he was back from playing and was going to grab a shower before he came over. He apologized again for blowing up at me and told me not to get upset, but he was going to drive OW car over. When he was so angry the other night, he must have punched his windshield because now it is cracked. He didn't want to get pulled over for that. He said that we would discuss things when he we put the kids to bed.

He came over and we played games with the kids. He came in and sat at the dining room table while my mom and I fed the kids. Normally he would sit in the living room with our 4 month old. That was a nice surprise. Then he was carrying on a civil convo with my mom. Again, another shocker. Once the kids were down for bed, he came back into the living room and watched some tv with us. About 30 minutes later, he said that he had to be taking off in a few. So we went into the dining room and started talking. I asked him what was up and this is a jist of how it went:
Me: So what's up?
H: Nothing. She said that she isn't going home.
Me: To her H or to the apartment?
H: To her H.
Me: So all she did was lie to me?
H: I don't know. She said that she said those things to you because you asked her for a chance to work out our marriage. That she wanted to give us a shot at going to counseling and trying to work it out.
Me: I gave her the benefit of the doubt and she lied to me. I would appreciate it if you told her never to call me again.
H: She was drinking last night and probably doesn't even remember everything that she said to you.
Me: It seems like she is wishy-washy and doing alot of lying. Is that the type of person that you want to be with?
H: No. I need to go talk to her and then I will call you back.
Me: (filling him in on my convo with OW. I spilled the beans and told him everything)
H: (politely listening)
Me: I better not go near my cell because I will end up calling her and it would not be pretty.
H: I know. Just give me a chance to talk to her first and figure some things out.
Me: Was the past few nights our rock bottom?
H: I think so.
Me: Good because I don't think I can go through that again. It can only get better from here.
H: True
Me: I think we both were at a frustration point and were mentally drained. Please know that I mean what I say about us.
H: I know.
Me: (Told him about convo with S5) I do love you and would love for you to come home but I can't make you do it. I deserve a chance just like everyone else does.
H: I know you do. I will call you later on tonight or tomorrow when you get to work.
Me: ok.

Then I walked him out the door.

So it ended ok.

I know, let me have it for spilling my feelings but you know what? It was the most opportune time to do it. We had already done the yelling and D debate the past few days and things were starting to go in my direction. I have to believe that he is seeing that she is not very stable. I pray he does. How can he continue on with her when she has proven, at least 3 times, that all she does is lie? Does he need hit by a 2x4?

[not_giving_up]

Journalizing:
I found out yesterday that H lost his job. I found out from his dad in an email. H hasn't admitted that he was fired and probably wouldn't have even told me about not working there. I just asked him if everything was ok with his job. He played it like it was. Then he finally came out and said that he wasn't working there anymore.

All I can see are his walls crumbling but him picking up the pebbles to try to build a new wall. I know that this is all in God's timing. I just don't know how many layers of walls he has built up that I have to wait for all of them to fall. But I will continue the Hedge of Thorns prayer and continue to watch the walls. I have continued to be nice even after the eventful weekend.

I was talking to my mom tonight and she mentioned the fact that the OW will get tired of his ways. I told her that I hope it isn't her that figures it out. I pray that it is him that decides that he is done watching his life fall apart and tired of her hurting him and lying to him all of the time. Isn't that what should happen??? It would mean so much more for him to decide these things. Then the feelings for her would be less grieved than if she cut things off.....

Anyway....All I know is that I can't walk away. I owe it to myself and my kids to fight as hard as I can. I can't look them in the face and tell them that their daddy won't be coming home because I got tired of fighting and standing. So I guess I am in this for the long haul!

[Aud31]

NGU hon,

You have made a great decision to stand for your marriage. You are on the right track. The way you interact with your H is in so many ways very much like me.

One of the things I'm beginning to comprehend (see my last post on my thread) is that though I am trying so hard to be understanding and loving and forgiving, in my H's eyes, it is still all about ME and my efforts, my feelings, my goals. He feels controlled by my behavior...positive or negative is beside the point. He's not free to just be himself and go through what he needs to go through on his own.

I know (from personal experience) that when conversations about our relationships happen, you feel the need to lay it all out there for him. If there's an opening, then I should take it! But I am starting to see that this very thing is standing in his way. It's almost like it sets him back to square one every time I turn my attention to the elephant in the room.

Honey, you are doing the best you know how to keep your man. But you do have to go back to the list of what-not-to-do in the book and get down to some really hard work on that list. The whole "work on yourself" thing sounds like a lot of b.s. until you really get that your M will not change unless/until you do some serious soul-searching and make some real changes. It's HARD, so hard to see how we contribute to dysfunction, but the only way to get past the problems is to change ourselves.