Not giving up! (Take II)

[not_giving_up]

My weekend was ok. Other than H blowing us off most of the weekend. He had the whole freaking weekend off and only comes over yesterday for a few hours. I understand that he was suppose to be helping you move but he could have at least dropped in for a little while to see the kids. Just doesn't seem to have his priority straight right now.

I did have a discussion with him because I was starting to believe that he really didn't know that he was beginning to repeat the past. Meaning that he was saying things to imply a future and then knocking it back down.

I asked him if he had written me out of his life completely. He said that he never could do that, then S5 came down from his nap and interrupted. So I took H into the kitchen and talked to him. I asked him again if he had written me out of his life the way I was talking about. He said that he didn't know. I asked him why he always got mad when I wanted to talk to him about things and he said that he really didn't know the reason.

We talked about things that he was saying that would get my hopes up. He actually talked to me more than he had in a while. He said that he just doesn't know what he is doing right now. So I asked him if he knew what I was doing and he said yes. He knows that I am not walking away from this. Then I told him about the 3 instances that he was planning on walking away completely and that something has come up each and every time. He said that he knows. I asked him if he was telling me "I don't know" all the time because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings and he said no. He really doesn't know what he is doing. I told him that I was going to continue going to MC and that it didn't mean that he absolutely had to go. I told him "I know that you probably don't want to go right now." His reply "Not right now but maybe."

He asked me if we were ok on money and I ended up telling him about my individual account. I told him that I had to do it to make sure that the kids and I were taken care of. I told him that it wasn't because I was saying it was over and that I was walking away. It was just to protect me and the kids. I couldn't trust that OW wouldn't talk him into taking the money out of the checking account and the kids and I be left with nothing to pay bills. He said that he would never do that but I told him that I couldn't trust that. He was so confused and she was adding to that confusion. I couldn't trust that she wouldn't talk him into cleaning it out. He got teary eyed when I said that. He told me that I had to trust that he could never do that. I just told him that I need him to understand that I love him and I am not giving up. That I am going to fight for this as hard as possible.

I told him about what my S5 said last night. He looked at me while we were playing a game and he said "Daddy needs to come home." I told him "I know." He said "God will bring my daddy home. It will just take some time." That is something that I really needed to hear at the time because I was feeling really frustrated about everything and I was so tempted to just say "Screw this." and be done with everything. God works in strange ways.

So I guess I need to leave it be for now. When he left, I told him that I am glad that we talked. Even though he still can't tell me where he stands, at least I know that things aren't hopeless. He called me twice right after he left. Once just for a favor and the other to tell me about a job opening in the fire department in town that he was going to look into. Again, something that he really didn't have to do but did.

Go ahead and let me have it for talking R to him. I just feel a little better about what we discussed. We actually had a good time yesterday with the kids. I hope he sees that things have begun to change in my life and that things won't be the same WHEN he comes home. I have now officially shut my mouth regarding R and will let God do his work in H. I know that I have to have patience and let God work on us seperately before H will come home and work on us as a family.

Gee....I really wish someone would fall off the face of the planet. It would make things so much easier!