I am very confused about this whole issue of how, when and what to do with regard to the intimacy issue in our relationship.
Prior to the 2nd bomb (Dec 13/06) my H and I basically did not have a sexual relationship. It was not because of me - I tried and tried for years but he was never interested. He wrote it off to "getting older" and "not having the drive" he did when he was younger. Quite frankly, I believe he was dealing with the issue of infidelity (twice) but there are a whole lot of other issues (fear of rejection, fear of being hurt - again) etc.
When we first got together, he was very passionate, caring and understanding. We were older, having both been married before, and believed there was more to a relationship than just sex. It was nice - we learned to be best friends and express ourselves not only through intercourse, but also through cuddling, caressing and just being together. It was bliss and I couldn't believe I had found someone like this.
Over the years, the sex faded and in the past 5 years I can count on one hand how many times we've had it - and I would still have a couple of fingers left
Of course, during this time, he didn't seem to have problems with the escort services (although he said he did, due to his anti-depressants)
The other morning I got the shock of my life. As he was leaving for work he said "I know this is difficult for you but when you are ready just let me know because I would like to make love to you". I just about passed out! He hasn't approached me like that in about 10 years!
The question is - how do I get passed the thought of the OW - as much as I would love to be intimate with him again, and I think our marriage needs it desperately, I cannot get the images out of my head. How does one get past this?
HELP !!!
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
I can only speak for myself, but I was so frustrated from years of my H's physical distance before I had definite proof of his infidelity. His betrayal seemed that much more hurtful, to think that everything I had wanted so deeply he had been giving to someone else.
And then came the awful thoughts of how hot their sex must have (could have?) been. GAH.
It didn't take me long, however, to decide that I wanted to start a new experience with him. To get rid of the shadow of the OW, for me, meant rekindling that physical relationship with him. Doing new things, creating new memories...you get the idea. I want him to be attracted to me, to WANT me. I never let an opportunity pass without making sure he knows I am desirable and fun.
It took him awhile to be ready, but since then, things have been much better.
I know it's hard to justify that with the pain they've put us through. But we do have to put the pain aside and start back up the mountain at some point. Better when they are willing than trying to gain more ground when they have given up hope.
thanks for the reply - I have to stop this pity party too, all its doing is dragging me down. He can stay there if he wants but I think once I decide not to go there, he will stop beating himself up too and we can move on - together!
Thanks again
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
