Here we go again !!

[Heywyre]

This is my first time writing but I need to get a certain amount of things off my chest so I can heal and move on. I will try and be as brief as possible but there are a number of facts that have to be told to understand (as best as possible) the whole story.

The first thing I want to make absolutely clear is that I DO NOT condone what my husband did (affair) in any way, shape or form. It was a very disfunctional way of dealing with problems he has and nothing more. Here goes ...

After 5 years of marriage (second marriages for the both of us) we moved up north for 9 years (where he used to live once before). He had experienced several bad relationships there prior to us getting together and I was a little concerned about him "going back" and getting involved in "that scene" so to speak. It was not a pleasant 9 years that's for sure. In the last few years we were there our marriage was strained and we drifted apart (I can see that now). He had bought a business and his partner turned on him. During that time he also found out he had been adopted from birth but neither of his parents were alive at the time so he had no one to ask questions of. I searched only to discover his biological mother 6 months too late and one half-brother that wanted nothing to do with him so that just ended in more rejection.

He then went into major depression and started contacting escort services. He connected with one in particular and ended up having a year-long affair with her (yes, we have both been tested since). Needless to say I was devestated. We had had very little sex in the previous couple of years before his affair (his choice, not mine) and he wrote it off to getting older and just not having the drive (I have to admit, he never was one for a lot of it from day one). In a nutshell, he has always been a very compassionate person, helping those that cannot help themselves (one of the things I loved about him) but he doesn't know when to stop and also have a compulsive obsessive side. He said he just wanted to help this person get out of the situation she was in. I still have my doubts about that but he has stuck by that story (not as strongly though) since day one, even though he admits it was a stupid way of dealing with things and takes full responsibility for his actions.

We went through tremendous hurt and it was extremely difficult for a couple of years but things got better, we moved and had a new life and new jobs in a new city. Then we had a very serious car accident which sent him back into depression. He then lost his job (the first time in his 40 year work-life) and that just sent him over the edge. Once again, he reached out to someone other than me. This time it lasted about 10 months. However, by the time I confronted him we had already been living in another city for about 5 months. During that 5 month period he had been going to see her every single Monday (his day off, when I was working) This is a 3-hour drive one way, plus the gas, toll charges etc. There were also numerous telephone calls in between. Once again, my heart had been ripped out and my life pulled out from under me. Could I go through this again?

When we had moved (his choice - to be closer to family and friends to help him deal with the depression) I had told him one of the conditions is that we seek counselling, which we have been doing for the past 3-4 months. But, during that time, he was also still seeing this woman (that I didn't know about). However, he swears that he has not had sex with her since before we moved and he has been struggling with telling her the last 4-5 times he has seen her. We have talked very openly about the "details" and he said he told her multiple times it was wrong what he was doing but for some unknown reason he couldn't stop himself.

He is currently on a fairly high dosage of anti-depressants and the doctor is monitoring him to see if he might need to supplement him with another medication.

There are numerous smaller details but that is the greater part of it. In the meantime we are still going to counselling and doing the best to deal with the emotions/feelings and they arise. We are also trying not to go at each other's throats and that has impressed the counsellor who claims we are dealing with a very difficult situation very maturely (not that it makes me feel any better, I just think I'm too exhausted to fight anymore).

The bottom line is, we both want to try and salvage our marriage. My husband realizes I am willing to try but cannot, at this time, promise him anything. He is very emotional at the thought of losing me but understands that it might be too late to save it. However, I have told him (and I am true to my word) that regardless of what happens in our marriage, I still want him to be part of my life. I just might not be able to have an intimate life with him anymore. He cried and cried and cried but said he knew what he had done and understood. He said he is committed to trying to save what he can, even if it means only a friendship between us.

I have been extremely long-winded but there is a question here. Does anyone think it at all possible that this marriage can be saved? Is it possible for him to "fix" whatever it is that is making him do this (the counsellor has several theories at this point)? Can we get passed this and actually have a decent marriage still?

My heart aches at the thought of not having him in my life, regardless of the pain he has caused me, and himself. But I know, at the same time, I have to save myself and refuse to go down with the ship again.

He also has told me that regardless of what happens between us, he has to get this (calling escort services) out of his life because it is not only hurting other but also destroying himself.

Any suggestions, comments or encouragement greatly appreciated.