My point has been that there is no foundation in that R for that kind of "honesty" about his preferences. You have to have a bare minimum of tolerance, loving interaction, kindness, belief in the other's good intention….
I wholeheartedly agree. Maybe part of where we disagree is how to build that foundation. You think that by being loving, supportive, compassionate I can build a solid foundation with her. The funny thing is that she has often said the very same thing. But what I experience every time I do that is her return to her shell. For someone like her, too much of this “good” stuff makes her uncomfortable. So what would endear me to other women actually seems to cause her to retreat.
The power and control issue also comes into play. IMO she reads the loving, supportive, compassionate message from me as an acceptance of her power and control over the family. She gets comfortable in hat respect and moves back to her comfort zone, which is to control as much as possible to avoid some unforeseen disaster.
So I have not found that way of building our foundation to be affective. Remember, we both grew up in very narcissistic family settings where neither of us got our needs met. I long for more closeness to fell comfortable. She longs for more independence to feel comfortable. Until these fundamental needs/reactions are “fixed” there is little on which to build the loving, supportive, compassionate stuff.
I also think this is what eats at you women so much. I can fully understand how what I am doing, that seems to be working quite well with my wife, would totally turn you off. Why do you think I have been so confused for so long as well? Hairdog, I hope you’re listening (after all, this is your hijacked thread! )
) 
