OK, I'll hijack a little more, but only because you asked...
But if looks interfere with ability (i.e. being so overweight you get tired after 30 seconds) or intent (having a part of you that makes you so self-conscious it turns you off instantly), then perhaps it is in the best interest of your M to change that.
Even though you are dancing around stating how you really fell, and I'm sure how carefully edited your word to be sure they are politically correct, this is really the core part of the issue, isn’t it, at least for men. Like so many say, a man will move mountains for someone he loves, for someone who inspires him. I know you married out of love, unlike myself. Were you first attracted to your wife and then decided to marry her because you had visions of how beautiful she would look with a saggy belly and breasts?
Ladies, men will accept these body changes if there is the emotional connection to overcome it. Women are not so concerned with physical appearances so a man's values seems to shallow and superficial. Therefore just through out any acknowledgment of those silly wishes and replace them with a higher, gold standard of what love is all about, right?
If there is a strong emotional bond between the two, then this "feminist gold" standard makes sense because the man feels it. It is the primary purpose for woman, but it is not for man. Why can't you women get this point?
If the emotional connection is not strong enough, the man will naturally wonder if there is something else out there. And when he wonders this, he is not likely to imagine another woman with saggy belly and breasts. He may end up with just that because his new partner creates a stronger emotional bond. But if he could choose between two women with which he has an equally strong emotional connection, but one is more physically attractive, guess which one he will pick?
Men are visual. It is part of who we are. We like our women to look nice. We can overlook that, but we would always prefer a nice body and appearance. That is what we are. Accept it.
TTHO,
Of course this is all insecurity driven, but by myself and my wife. When I say she does not dress up around the house, I am not talking about “dolling up.” I mean that last weekend she did not shower until Sunday night. She stayed in pajamas most of the weekend, working on her papers. When working around the house, she puts on old jean shorts that are stained, ripped, rumpled with tank tops that are in similar condition. She says she does this so as not to ruin her better clothes. I tell her that makes no difference since I never (ok, rarely) get to see her in those good clothes anyway, or at least good clothes just for my benefit.
She has problems with intimacy and her self image. She feels uncomfortable when a man admires her sexually. She feels like she is being molested or something, though she claims to never have been sexually molested or abused. If this is true, then her issues come from her FOO and I am the lucky one who gets to deal with the consequences. Does that make me angry? Sure it does.
So is this really insecurity on my part or am I just reading the message she is sending, whether she does so voluntarily or not. If she doesn’t like my reaction, then she could send a different message. Yes, I’ve been through plenty of therapy to identify my issues. The problem with therapy is that it also teaches you how you partner is not living up to his/her obligations and why you have a right to feel angry with having to live with less.
Your last paragraph is a good summation of my marriage and one I have discussed before. Many people marry for the wrong reasons. If she had not gotten pregnant, neither of us would be here. But like it or not, that is what we have to deal with. We also have to deal with the very real option of how long to stay in the marriage. Until the kids get out of high school, or should it be college, maybe even sooner? But stay together forever? That hasn’t really crossed on my radar screen and I doubt it has on hers.
BUT, for it to become an option for me, she can change herself in ways that would make me want to be with her, that make herself into an inspiration to me. That includes the emotional connection, her dress and her body. Frankly, should I ever elect to split, it will be because I see other better opportunities in the market, right? And hopefully I can get the kind of whole relationship I want with that person. My wife can do this too, but she needs to rise to the challenge.
What I have been ticked about is her position, and the position of the ladies on this board, that men should not be so shallow as to focus on the physical but should accept a woman for who she is, for the love her feels toward her. If I do not feel love toward my wife, then I need to shake myself up, uncover my issues, and find a way to love her like a “real” man should. BS I say. That thinking is all feminism. There is nothing wrong with my “macho” desires. I’m tired of having to suppress myself because it is socially unacceptable to women’s ideals. And that is the crux of my issue with feminism.
Sure all this is scary for me, and I am sure it is for my wife. It is realistic IMO. Realism about inherent risk will always involve a certain amount of fear and insecurity.
I'd like to seem a few more men step up to the plate and honestly state how they feel. Don't sugar coat it out of fear of being beaten up by the women.
