And no, I haven't followed up on the "better wife" comment. Seriously, I predict she will minimize it as the ravings of a lunatic, and attack me for trying to hold her to it. Oh sure, it might come out, but thinking I could discuss this with her in a calm manner is fantasy.
And from the “Brutal Honesty” thread:
At first, I thought, "what a great idea. Just say it, and keep saying it, until she gets it." And then, kind of like the theory/reality discussion, I realize that this will likely end up badly, putting even more distance between her and me. Yeah, she deserves to know that my mind is not necessarily with her right now, but finding a delicate way of putting it and just letting it just "set" (and not repeating it) would seem to me to be better than saying it over and over.
Can you see that every time you have a valid reason to push an issue with your wife that you rationalize another reason why there is no use in pushing? It seems to me that not only does your wife have you under her thumb and knows how to quell any objections from you, she even has you trained to avoid thoughts of objection in the first place.
Now you contemplate what it would be like to have an affair with another woman. I have two viewpoints on this – 1) It can be dangerous as Nopkins and others have advised, especially if you continue to cower behind her back. When she finds out she is going to lock you in a cell and throw away the key (not to mention beat you daily). 2) The idea of how wonderful it could be to have a loving wife might be a way of spurring your anger to then do something about your marriage. When reading Dr. Laura in the bookstore, your rising anger scared you so much that you had to put down the book. Why? What are you scared of? Are you afraid you might be tempted to say something to your wife and then you’d really be in trouble? What’s she gonna do? Not have sex with you?
You’ve read Schnarch. You know that NOTHING is going to happen until you are willing to enter the crucible, make the decision to PUSH your wife into the crucible with you, then turn up the heat until the mix starts to change. You relationship is SOOO lopsided and out of balance, I think ANY change will be to your benefit. It is hard for me to see how it could get more one-sided so I don’t see how you have much to loose.
What will it take to change the mix? I think it will take a certain honest resolve on your part that the marriage is over and you are ready to walk. Only then will you feel like you can afford to confront her and regain your power. Right now I see you hiding behind 1) concern for your kids should you divorce (and I agree this is a legitimate concern), 2) desire not to get into a fight which could harm the kids (another legitimate concern), 3) preconception that you cannot change her mind so why try. IMO, as legitimate as all these might be, they are still excuses and deflections to avoid your fears (which I also think are legitimate but which you must face nonetheless).
The crucible can be scary. We’ve all been there before. But you have experience being there yourself. You even say:
I think there is some truth to this. Somewhat similar is the way she kind of gets loving and touchy/feely when I basically show no interest in her.
I seem to recall a few other times when this sort of thing occurred. So when you get angry and call her out on her sh*t, she straightens up and actually acts civil. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t be doing as much of this as possible. Do you think she feels bad when you treat her this way or do YOU feel bad?
Blackfoot made a simple but relevant observation to me a while back. He noted that when my W and I get into a fight, afterward things get better. The fighting and arguing seem to be a form of communication that meets some of W’s needs, even though I dread the fight itself. Blackfoot noted that I should not avoid these fights or even get anxious over them because she has yet to leave over them and things get better.
Sure, in a relationship like yours, things will probably get much worse before they get better. But I don’t know if there is any other way to get to “better” without going through the “worse.” If you want to avoid the “worse” then you will have to be content living with “mediocre” instead.
