I do get what you are talking about because I have the same issue with my H...he is unable to directly express when he is feeling needy. He has to create some provocative drama and toss his emotions onto me. In the past we would never get anywhere because I would become upset and pull away, not recognizing his cry for intimacy. Now I get it, and I am able to give more in the moment, but what's missing still is getting H to recognize and verbalize the feelings underneath.
I would not have reacted as your W did to the boob comment. The feminist defense would not have occurred to me ( your W and Mrs. HD have this down, though). Instead, I would personalize it as an attack on my self esteem and get all sad. I have the hurt little girl knee-jerk response, til I get a grip and become mature IHJ.
Glad you are making progress...and sorry for the diversion, HD.
