I know piecing back together won’t be that easy and it is a slow process but after almost 2 years since my wife ended her affair (3 years this month when it began) I have not seen any major progress between us emotionally and physically.
There is, however, small progress in term of being able to exist peacefully between us since this life –event has taken place 3 years ago. Either I’m confused or don’t understand what I’m doing with my marriage, I don’t see it is working for me but I don’t have any real plan to do something about it either, because my only option might be a divorce.
Here is our progress if it is really working:
The day I found out, my wife told me she didn’t love me any more.
Few weeks later, she didn’t want me to touch her, didn’t want any gifts, cards and/or flowers from me any more.
Few months and after many arguments later, she hated me and couldn’t stand seeing me or being with me in the same place.
A month or two later and after the MM’s wife found out about their affair, the physical affair between them stopped, but the emotional affair through the cell phone continued.
Six months later, she quitted her job (they worked together) and ended her emotional affair with him.
A year since then we argued less but talked more about everything in general. No physical of any kind between us.
At the beginning of this year, she allowed me to hug her before going to bed.
A few months later, she allowed me to kiss her (not passionate kiss) when I hugged her before I went to bed.
A few weeks ago, she was “OK” to have sex with me for the first time since the day she told me not to touch her.
After all these things, there is no emotional intact from her to me. She told me she doesn’t know what love is but she cares about me, but still has no desire to be sexual with me of any kind. If I want to she will let me have it in term of physical, but don’t expect her to respond to it. It made me feel like I hugged and kissed the lifeless body so far.
She said she doesn’t care about intimacy any more and doesn’t want it and there is no problem whatsoever to live without it. She said if I don’t like it; feel free to leave and find someone else to have sex with.
All she wants from me is financial support so that she can continue to live in the house with the kids. She doesn’t want to see the family breaking apart, but doesn’t want to be intimate with me either. She is happy with the way it is right now. That is two grown adults helping each other raising the two kids.
That’s where we are. In her mind, she thinks that she has already given me everything she has, the hug, the kiss and the sex even though she doesn’t want any of these things. In my mind, that is not what I want to have in a marriage. I want to feel connected, to feel loved and to feel wanted emotionally and physically. And so far I have not seen it yet.
LAN and Andy - I empathize completely with what you're going through since it seems that W is bound and determined to go down that road as well. It seems as if they have their own demons to battle but are just too afraid to try - so they just shut down or redirect their energies to other things (kids, close friends, job). And I have thoughts sometimes as to just being swept up by an attractive woman and surrendering myself. But that is not something that I want or seek to search for - but our current states sure leaves us vulnerable.
But you're right, Andy - I don't intend to give up. I read a post sometime ago that everyone is entitled to a life that is full of hope, optimism, passion and unconditional love. That is our goal - to share that kind of life with our respective spouses. I hope that we all make it there...
On a good day (and you happened to catch me in one of 'em, Bob), I'm convinced that if we can only hold on long enough, we'll get there.
Have you read Mattie's latest posts to me? Lily's another one. They've been on the "dark side" themselves, and here they are trying to save their own marriages.
Just hang in there until you're back in sync with your SO.
It's a long haul, but in the end, it's worth the ride.
Quoting LonelyAtNight: She said she doesn’t care about intimacy any more and doesn’t want it and there is no problem whatsoever to live without it. She said if I don’t like it; feel free to leave and find someone else to have sex with.
Hi LAN--long time no post.
I'm sorry to hear of your situation, LAN. Sadly, it seems to be one that quite a few DBers run into even if they do manage to "bust" the divorce.
I guess at some point the question becomes "is there anything more I can possibly do to draw her 'back?' and, if not, am I willing to settle for what I've got?"
She may never come "back." Or possibly she will. Which do you think you can live with more--the possiblity of divorce or that of a loveless marriage?
A tough question, LAN. But one that, by your very endurance, you've earned the right to answer for yourself.
Thank you Andy, ANewBob, SI, Rayanne, others who read for dropping by.
I’m doing fine, I guess. Nowadays, I’m not sure what “doing fine” means any more. Mentally and physically I think I’m OK as far as I know, but then again I might not realize what I’m talking about either. It sounds like “crazy”, doesn’t it?
No, I have not given up yet, but I’m getting closer and closer as the day goes by. But in reality, there is not thing much left between us as far as the intimacy department is concerned. I thought that I have tried my best but the best wasn’t enough in my wife’s eyes.
Like ANewBob mentioned earlier, my wife redirects her time and energy to other things, but me even after she ended her affair. In her mind, there wasn’t anything new about me, but the same old thing. I thought I have changed, but I was wrong about her perception.
When Andy said, “I'm convinced that if we can only hold on long enough, we'll get there.” Yes, but at what cost? We might get there in person, but our mind, our heart and our soul might not get there to support that person.
Well, SI, you put a very tough question here for me to answer. Unfortunately I don’t have one right now. Somehow my wife thought that the only thing we “need” to pass this hump is the “sex” issue. She said to me that she doesn’t want to have sex any more, but I still want to have sex. That is completely the opposite of each other. She is not willing to have sex with me right now and doesn’t know when and will let me know when the time comes. If I accept that term and/or don’t expect or think about it, then be willing to wait for it as long as I live even to mean for the rest of my life (She admits that it is a selfish demand on her part.) If I don’t accept this sexless marriage then there is only one way out. That is a divorce, but she doesn’t want to get a divorce if we don’t have to.
The next question that she asked me why can’t I live without sex? And followed by “Do we have to have sex in the marriage? I said to her that in general that is what people do when they married. Then she said to me that is what the general people do, but she was talking about us, not the general people. Did you see what her logic here?
There's this booke that Wilma told me about called "Passionate Marriage" by David Scnarch. What your'r describing is called a "2 step delima(sp)". You want sex w intimacy; she doesn't.
It's a good read.
There was a time in my life when I suffered from low libido. I went to the doc for 1 thing and, although that tested negative, turned out I was hypo-thyroid. Eight months after starting meds, my libido came back on line.
Yep, unfortunately I get how you are doing. I wish things would get better for you. It's certainly not fair for your W to assume that you would be willing to live that way indefinitely. Sorry! (((((((LAN))))))))
