Dear Itsy, my heart really goes out to you today. That sounds like a terrible depressive episode and I am very glad it cleared for you. Your call for help was a sign of knowing your state and what you needed. I had to do that once and it's a good thing I did. There is no question that I have been where you were.
You will find as time goes on that the bad times will get shorter and shorter and the time between them will get longer. But you have to be very kind to yourself for quite a while. If you are anything like me you will be frustrated that it's not all behind you yet. But as I mentioned before it takes a long time to recover from this, and of course the longer the marriage and the bigger the shock the longer it takes. That's OK. It takes as long as it takes. Always honor your feelings. They are part of you and they mean something. And you don't have to listen to people who tell you it's time to move on. You have done that today, I'm glad for you. You might still have some "moments". Keep plugging away. Maybe find two or three people that you can rely on to confide in so you have a safety net and so not everyone knows your business. Get through the tough moments one by one and in time you will be on the downside of the mountain.
You are processing a lot closing down your family home and it must be terrible. But you have to remember one thing--you are not alone. There are many people who have gone before you on this path, and I can tell you that with the fortitude and strength you are demonstrating you will be a survivor too.
And I'll just say one more thing that I hope sounds positive. Once this is behind you, if you take care of yourself and reclaim your life over time as you best can, you will be stronger than you possibly could have imagined. You are going through one of the worst emotional experiences anyone in the USA has to endure. Focus on your patience and faith and hope. Believe these things will help you. Take it one day at a time and pretty soon you will see a little more light than dark and your sense of yourself will be restored and you will find that no one will ever be able to take that away from you again.
You have expressed yourself beautifully in your realization that you were emotionally abused and how you lost your sense of self and would have done anything to save your marriage. I think that shows that you were devoted and took your vows seriously. During a long term marriage that is what is supposed to happen in some ways. Two become one. And when that breaks apart it affects us both emotionally and physically. There is a biological basis for the pain. If you ever want to know more about this you might want to read the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Andersen. It explains why we feel the way we do after an abandonment and I found it one of the most useful books that I read during my journey. You can probably find it at you local library or on Amazon.com or in your bookstore. It has many words of wisdom, and the exercises, while they might seem a little odd at first, definitely help in integrating your whole self back together again.
I hope this helps you in some way. Don't be deterred by people who seem to be having a better time. They are not walking in your shoes. Take good care, I am very proud of you. Yours, Wonder
