A new mornig full of hope.......................

[itsy]

I have been up since 2:30 this morning. I am very glad that I woke up. I have turned another corner. I think that I can finally go on aanother day without the tears, pain and hurt.
It's going to be a very big day for me. I am moving out of my house that I shared with my family for 21 years. My children are grown and the H and I are divorced. It has not been a very pleasant time, it has been h e l l. I have cried nearly every day that I have had to pack up my things. I have had some of these things for all of the marriage...31 years. I had to send alot to the auctioneer, my personal antiques that I have been collecting for 25 years. It has been painful to sort thru all of this, deciding what to keep, what to take, what to leave him. Going thru letters and cards from him. Mementos are excuricating. I did get thru it. He will be very shocked when he walks back into this house. All the things that say home are gone. I have been as fair as I could be with the stuff, but I am expecting him to go off. I asked him several times to come here and tell me what he wanted, he never did. He probably just couldn't face what he has done.

I woke up this morning at 2:30.... S 22 had just got in...
I was a bit asleep but awake enough to think. I think that I have turned a very big corner today. I think that I have finally dropped the rope. Last night I thought that I was going to have to call someone to come and get me. Do what with me I don't know. I wasn't doing very well. The crying just would not stop... I didn't think I had it in me to go on. I called my mom.... if it was not for her I don't think that I would have gotten thru this part of my life these last 6 weeks, or though out this entire hell I told her what was going on and to call my son 30 and tell him I was okay. He had called earlier and I think that I was short with him. He had called me earlier in the afternoon to ask me to babysit my grandson. He didn't even remember what I was doing. He had just seen me Christmas and couldn't remember that I was packing and moving this week. I was upset by his thoughtlessness. Christmas evening my son 30 told me after I asked, how his visit was with his father Sunday, his father has not seen him since August. He told me that it went well. I asked if she was there and he said yes. I found out that my daughter had meet her back in May before she left for San Diego. To say that I was stunned was beyond words. But more than that I was hurt. I couldn't beleive it. My son and daughter have accepted her. I was deeply hurt. Though out this journey I have had such little support from my family. My daughter has not been very nice to me. Our conversations are hard and very difficult there is not much that we can talk about. She is her father's child. Her father has told her numerous lies about me and our life together. I didn't expect my son and daughter to accept this woman in their lives so easily. I expected that they would not. I have always said that I have had so little support from family and freinds I just didn't really realize how little I had until yesterday. It just about killed me that my children would accept her in my Ex's life so easily. He did ask them if they minded if she came with him. They both said no.
They don't know how really hurt I am maybe someday I will tell them not right now tho. I know that it is their choice to do as they please, to make the decsions to stay "neutral" in all this. But I really had not prepared myself for this. I have learned a valuable lesson here. I really don't appreciate their actions regarding this, but it is done and I must move on. It hurts like hell.

This morning while I was waking up I made a realization that I really can not have anything to do with him anymore. I have had enough. I have turned a corner in my life with the acception that I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about him. I have really finally just dropped it. I have been denying the reality of what my ex is really like. I have not wanted to face it. I just didn't want to beleive it. I can now see and feel through out this marriage that he has been emotionlly and mentally abusive to me.
It is very hard to finally acknowlegde it. There are many examples of it, and I have denied it for so long. I guess this could be the answer to why I have had such a hard time moving on. It is very hard to come to that conclusion. It really says alot about me tho. Things that I need to face and change about myself. This will be a scary journey for me. But I must go thru it to finally heal. It is not something that you like to admit about yourself. But I had forsaken what I wanted and what I felt, just for him. My feelings through have hardly ever been validated and the realization of all this is painful.
I thought he was everything and really he is not.
I would have done almost anything to have keep this marriage with out regards to how it would have made me feel. This is not mentally healthy. I found this morning that I don't really want him back. This feeling came into me and I feel very good about it. I can honestly say that I tried very hard for this marriage to last. now it is time to just let it go.I can really face that now, It's too late and I've been thru to much hurt and pain.
if he walked into my life again I would have to tell him no that I did not want him back. It is very sad.
It's very hard to come to that. I always thought that
it would end in our getting back together again, but it is false hope. And it would just not be good. I have prayed to God for so long for answers and strenght to get thru this and maybe I finally have the answers to it all. It's better if I don't have a relationship with this man. That it would not be a good one. He is also a manipultor and has to be in control. I guess that I have finally woken up to it all and can finally admit it it for the first time. I am very relieved. I had begged this man to have a relationship with me prior to MLC. He is just not capable of it. I don't think that he will ever be capable of having a intimate relationship with anyone.

My EX is a narricisstic man. He has always been one. I refused to admit it even when I was buying books about it a long time ago. These peope need very intensive therapy and for a long time. They deny it tho. They will not seek help, because if they do they have to admit it and it would very difficult to do that. They think they are okay when in reality they are very mentally ill. It is one of the hardest personality disorders to heal from. He is not someone I see geting help for it.

I am at peace finally. It has taken a very long time. I just did not want to leave this house. It was my home for so long. It is where my kids grew up. Where I had beautiful gardens. My antiques that I really cared about wheir here. So many memories of a family life that I care so much about. I was a mom and a wife here. This was my home.

I need a computer for my new home. The EX is a director of information technelogy or he's a computer guy which ever you choose.... any way He said that he would get me a new computer and I guess I could go to Vegas, yeah baby and bet on that and win a milliion before I see a new computer. My oldest son is going to help me buy a new one and hook it up for me. I will not be able to respond to your posts for awhile. I do need people to stop by and post to me. It has certainly helped me alot recently. I look forward to hearing from anyone. At times I didn't want to be on this site it was to painful and the answers I needed were not here. The ones I wanted to see. But I think I have new ones and I like them. I am okay and at peace finally. Something I begged GOD for last night, just to make it stop that I couldn't take anymore and maybe he has answered me.

Well got to go do dishes before they pack them, ahahahaha then again maybe not they are my dishes.....
I look forward to my move today it is time to go on.. I have spoken before about moving on but I think today I am really there. I feel sorry for my EX and it does make me sad but it is is time to go on

I hope that everyone had a great time at Christmas and that the New Year brings forth a new vitality, hope, peace, and that you too can get past all the MLC and begin to really focus on yourself. That you are able to make your own dreams come true.
Peace ITSY