Pssst, Snodderly

[Between Tears]

Snodderly,

We both know I become overly defensive when xh is in the state. So, I need a reality check. As we know, I'm looking for dropping shoes, emotional artillary, financial bombs, all out war.

I've seen a change in xh's M.O.... and not sure where it's coming from. It has been S who xh communicates with, receives the most attention, the nicer gifts and such. This is because xh identifies with S, as it is not uncommon for them to choose one child over the other(s). This has been the norm for us.

This Christmas visit, it's been all about D. Not sure why, as it now has MY attention. D deserves the acknowledgement, however, I want to know what is up and why the change. D will be receiving an $1100 computer in a few days, where S was given an Ipod from xh for Christmas.

I gave D a guitar, S a camcorder, both were beginner type items. xh is all over D and this guitar, said he wants to buy himself one now... purchased a case, strap, strings and picks to go along with the guitar I bought. Brought her and the guitar to three music shops, wanting to know about this guitar I purchased. Originally, he started to slam me, because he didn't recognize the brand name, until he was informed by the people in the music store that I made a good choice. Again, he was shown I do know what I'm doing Now he wants her to go over to (his wife's name) house (as he calls it, and not his house???) and practice with him. He hasn't bought his own guitar yet.

On the other hand, during the hearing, xh was asked a lot of questions regarding his relationship with his own children. His answers raised quite a few eyebrows in court, including the Judge's. The fact my D hasn't spent any time with his stepchildren, (S only met a few of them once) and he married his wife anyway, was also brought up, with concern that followed. I'm sure xh picked up on it.

Now, it sounds like he was hit with many questions or thoughts that probably sounded like things I've said along the way, as to introduce and produce a healthy environment for the changes that come with divorce and his relationship, which of course, anything I said, he probably took as me trying to control him, as opposed to a suggestion to help the kids accept what was going on. Yup, I know, silly me.

Today, he picked them up after noon, took them out to lunch (Red Lobster) and talked to D. One of his statements was to her, "You will "never" accept (wife's name). D's reply was an honest one "I really don't know."

He's pushing her now, where before he'd just let her stay home with me... it's not like him to "put it out there" in a statement like this with her, or anyone for that matter. She said he sounded disappointed, but let the conversation die out. Then he dropped them both off around 4:00pm, another one of those 5 hour round trips for 3.5 hour visit things....

I feel apart of him is collecting information, maybe even looking for feedback. I realize it is most likely brought on by the hearing, and his need to neatly cover all the bases (and or his own lies) to have a "perfect" appearance. I just hope I'm not missing a possible angle for him.

After his last comment when he was dropping off the kids, concerning this trailer, my defenses up, and I'm aware I'm being hyper-vigilant, which is throwing me off. My main concern is to know what he is up to, and what he's going to be throwing at me next. If I have a clue of what is going on, I have a better chance of protecting the kids and myself from whatever he is thinking or doing. I realize no one can really predict what he will do, but if I have a vague idea, I can fortify those boundaries.

Meanwhile, we haven't spoken, I haven't acknowledged him. He only speaks through the children, and that's how I know when he's coming by. He hasn't given them an idea if or when he will see them next, BUT told the court he was going to have them all week.... LOL, Liar, liar, pants on fire!

I'm just not comfortable enough with what is going on, and it just maybe that I'm making something out of nothing. I trust you'll let me know, one way or another.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting back and watching the show, making sure the children are comfortable with what is going on. I have enough going on with my preparations for my testimony on the 3rd for the same hearing. This thought is just too weird for me, but I do understand why I am involved. As it was whispered to me over 4 years ago, and again just a month ago, I am the keeper of the truths, and it's time to share what I do know.

Please share your feelings with me, for I would like to put my concerns to rest.

Take care of you, God Bless

Love,

Laughing