Jealous about where,why,with who,my H is with.HELP

[maryfromaustin]

I'm new to this forum..i isually post on We're seperated, not what. here's my story in short.

H left in march, filed on april 20 a couple of days before our 10yr anniv. I've been with him for 12 1/2 yrs. I thought he was my best friend and so my heart has been broken into little tiny pieces. I, like alot of us here, have grown since march. I've done alot of soul searching and found that I haven't done alot of things on my own. Yes, I've read different divorce books, gone to church, prayed and prayed daily, gone to therapy, and even practiced the LRT. all things have worked. I've managed to take care of me. The LRT proved that it does work. My H started acting "positive" with me two weeks after I started the LRT. This was three months ago........my H is spending the night at my house, coming over for Christmas, going out with the kids, and started to talk about our R. Everything seems to be going ok.

No talk about getting back together. In fact, just yesterday he started joking about 2007 being the year I sign off on the divorce. I assured him I wouldn't. He flirts with me alot but he avoids me sometimes.

I drove by his house today because the kids wanted to spend the night. To my surprise he wasn't there. I started getting soooooooo jealous. I got these visions of him being with someone, this was around 7pm, he was not at work so where could he be? I haven't had these feelings in a while. In fact, I've managed to get rid of the jealous feeling. Why in the world would I feel this now? We haven't committed ourselves to anything, just being intimate. He confessed that he does like being intimate with me, but he doesn't want to get back together. What is this all about? He assures me there is no one else (I haven't bothered asking him, I figured he'd lie about it anyway). He hasn't called the kids today, he's not home at night, he doesn't return the phone calls............it's obvious. He's busy doing something or someone. I'm doing my best to not let the green monster get a hold of me. I hate feeling this way. I've gotten a couple of "ideas" from people....one is to put a stop to being intimate with him. he either agrees to counseling or no sex. he's trying to have everything from me with no strings attached.

should i give him an ultimatum? i keep thinking that if i do, he'll back off completely. what is he's testing the waters? we did have alot of disagreements back then, but i've managed to correct alot of my mistakes. he's seen changes in me now but he told me once that "i had an agenda behind all the new changes". he says "you're old self will come back, it's just a matter of time"............how can i convince him that it's not?

any advice, comments, questions are greatly appreciated.

me = 33
H = 35 going on 21
he left = march 24
he filed = april 20
kids = 3
He has since postponed the divorce because he claims he can't afford it.

[Aud31]

Hey Mary,

Current events are part of the ol' roller coaster ride. You've done a lot of hard work--don't spoil it with ultimatums or allow the green-eyed-monster to trash it all.

Your sitch sounds ALOT like mine, all you can do about any of it is focus on positives (and there are a lot of them), consciously DIRECT your thoughts in positive ways--out loud if you have to. Especially when you start feeling jealous or anxious. Reality is what it is. But you have the power to shape the future.

Keep working to show him that the changes are sticking. About the intimacy, I have had the same feelings. However, I read somewhere on these boards that all intimate contact builds the bonding between you. And at this point, I think it's very important. Using it as an ultimatum could be very damaging. However, I do think it's important to protect yourself as well. You'll do the right thing.

[runningoutoftime]

I can understand your jealousy. I felt the same way during my divorce proceedings (which went for 6 months) and I did some occassional, what my girlfriend and I called "drivebys," to see if my husband was at his apartment or not. On those nights he wasn't there, and I didn't know where he was, I felt very uneasy.

I remember the jealousy being difficult to handle because I was working on rebuilding a friendship with him (being a great listener about money, work problems, etc... and just supporting him. For quite awhile this friendship was one-sided. I was the "giving" one!). Also, we had a pretty steamy intimate relationship going on as well and that can be a real tightrope to walk. Detachment can be very difficult for women in sexual relationships (somehow you have to ignore the effects of oxytocin). It took time, but eventually I did learn to emotionally detach while still having an intimate relationship with him.

Anyhow, the one thing that helped me during this time was to keep forefront in my mind that my husband needed to be out there dating, dealing with OW, etc... to realize where he wanted to be. I didn't want him back unless he truly wanted to be back. I wanted him to experience OW, dating, etc... to get it out of his system. Otherwise I figured he might come back and we'd just go through the whole giration again. But, as a matter of fact, we had almost gone through it in the past! He had tried leaving a few times before and I always convinced him to come back. So this time I completely "let go".... at least to a certain extent..... I told him I'd be his friend and I'd be here for him if he wanted me, but if he wanted something else that was fine with me. I wanted him to "go out and find his happiness." At times it didn't feel good knowing he was involved with OW, and as that died out, going out to dinner with women his sister and others set him up with.

But this was something that needed to happen.

Also, I needed to find my independence. Even through I was "there for him," and maintained I wasn't in any serious relationships (and wouldn't be until the divorce was final), I did go out a lot with a group of girlfriends I found who were also going through separation and divorce. I made sure my husband saw me looking absolutely amazing, and I'd be mysterious and somewhat evasive about where I was going. Eventually he knew I was going to nightclubs and that I had male friends. Also, he learned that some were interested in dating me once the divorce was final. It was kind of ironic, but very slowly the tables turned. I started to lose my jealousy and my husband started becoming increasingly more jealous.

Oh well.... that's my story. I can't say it would be the same for you. I wouldn't give an ultimatum unless I was definitely going to follow through with it. I personally think you're better off working on emotional detachment and focusing hugely on your own life (with the idea a divorce "will" happen and having a great life in place so if it does it won't be such a painful blow). The best piece of advice I think I got during this whole thing was to give my husband "a lot of leash."

[runningoutoftime]

I can understand your jealousy. I felt the same way during my divorce proceedings (which went for 6 months) and I did some occassional, what my girlfriend and I called "drivebys," to see if my husband was at his apartment or not. On those nights he wasn't there, and I didn't know where he was, I felt very uneasy.

I remember the jealousy being difficult to handle because I was working on rebuilding a friendship with him (being a great listener about money, work problems, etc... and just supporting him. For quite awhile this friendship was one-sided. I was the "giving" one!). Also, we had a pretty steamy intimate relationship going on as well and that can be a real tightrope to walk. Detachment can be very difficult for women in sexual relationships (somehow you have to ignore the effects of oxytocin). It took time, but eventually I did learn to emotionally detach while still having an intimate relationship with him.

Anyhow, the one thing that helped me during this time was to keep forefront in my mind that my husband needed to be out there dating, dealing with OW, etc... to realize where he wanted to be. I didn't want him back unless he truly wanted to be back. I wanted him to experience OW, dating, etc... to get it out of his system. Otherwise I figured he might come back and we'd just go through the whole giration again. But, as a matter of fact, we had almost gone through it in the past! He had tried leaving a few times before and I always convinced him to come back. So this time I completely "let go".... at least to a certain extent..... I told him I'd be his friend and I'd be here for him if he wanted me, but if he wanted something else that was fine with me. I wanted him to "go out and find his happiness." At times it didn't feel good knowing he was involved with OW, and as that died out, going out to dinner with women his sister and others set him up with.

But this was something that needed to happen.

Also, I needed to find my independence. Even through I was "there for him," and maintained I wasn't in any serious relationships (and wouldn't be until the divorce was final), I did go out a lot with a group of girlfriends I found who were also going through separation and divorce. I made sure my husband saw me looking absolutely amazing, and I'd be mysterious and somewhat evasive about where I was going. Eventually he knew I was going to nightclubs and that I had male friends. Also, he learned that some were interested in dating me once the divorce was final. It was kind of ironic, but very slowly the tables turned. I started to lose my jealousy and my husband started becoming increasingly more jealous.

Oh well.... that's my story. I can't say it would be the same for you. I wouldn't give an ultimatum unless I was definitely going to follow through with it. I personally think you're better off working on emotional detachment and focusing hugely on your own life (with the idea a divorce "will" happen and having a great life in place so if it does it won't be such a painful blow). The best piece of advice I think I got during this whole thing was to give my husband "a lot of leash."