Well...this is going to take a lot of strength and a lot of compassion to pull this R off.
It seems like I'm looking through a window, where I can see everything clearly - but I'm still inside. I'm not sure if it is me...or XH.
We had a good time Christmas eve - he came over, in a great mood...so I gave him his present. He opened it up and it seems that he really loved it. Then - he said to me that he felt bad b/c he didn't get me anything. So, I said that Christmas was for giving - not receiving. Although, I was a little surprised.
We leave my house and get into his car...he puts on the cd that I sent him for his b-day...I love the song - then asks me what it meant. So I explained it and he said, that's what he thought. Now, he hasn't put the car in reverse yet. So, then he reaches under his seat - pulls out this little box and said Merry Christmas...I laughed so hard!!! He then says, are you going to open it? I opened it and to my surprise it was a beautiful necklace with a diamond princess cut stone. It is beautiful...so he put in on me and I thanked him so much...gave him a kiss and a hug.
We drive off and he says...it matches the earrings I had on - he bought them years ago...perfect match. So, we were driving, chit chatting about cars - his ad he ran in the newspaper...then - he turns and says to me...so everytime we go out, are you going to wear black? I laughed and told him did he not like the outfit...he said yes, but enough with wearing black...he said that I made my point and it would be nice if next time I wore something with color. So I said yes...if it bothers you...he said, it just seems that I look like I'm going to a funeral. Nice...
We ended up at a friend of his and had dinner there...not what I really thought we were going. It seemed stuffy and although he was laughing and joking with his friend - I got stuck talking to his wife about non-essential trivia. Then she starts asking me how our R is going...she knew we were trying to start again - but I didn't feel right talking to someone I had never met before that night. So, I changed the subject, kept looking at my X...wondering when this lovely evening would be over.
We ate, it was pretty good...things were light and we just chatted about stupid stuff. Three hours later, we are now ready to leave...
Then, my X asked if I wanted to see what he had done to "our" house...I said no...not now, maybe some other time. So we drove around for a while...it was quiet. He asked if there was something wrong...I said no...I was just a little tired.
We came back to my house, he stayed while I played some music - we drank some wine - then he asked if I thought we could go through this dating sequence. So - I told him it seemed strange...but at the same time, I felt we needed to go slow - be friends again and take it from there.
Then, I played Crazy, by Gnarls Barkley...he listened to the words and asked me if I thought he was crazy. I laughed and said no, it was just that song that relaxes me.
So, we chit chatted about New Years...I asked him if he had any plans. He said no, but his friends were having a party and if I wanted, we could go together. So, I said yes, we could do that...they were friends that were at our wedding.
So, he left a little later, we again thanked each other for our Christmas present...no, I didn't give him the Chia Pet.
But, here's the thing...it seems utterly ridiculous to be "dating" him....I guess, I just want it to be back to an everyday normal R. I know it's just me, but in piecing, most everyone is living with their spouse...we don't live together. It seems a little superficial at times...then other times, it seems that this is just the right way to go...I am confused by all of it.
We never went to see his mother's grave...he went on Christmas with his brother and father.
I had a good Christmas with my family all day long. Good food, great conversation and fun in opening gifts. I came back here around 10:00ish and XH left a message to call him back. When I called, it sounded like he was at a party, but it was his brother's house...he told me what they had done that day and what they ate, etc...he thanked me again for his money clip, I thanked him for my necklace.
He told me that he would pick me up at 7:00 p.m. on New Year's Eve and not to wear black...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
That's it...who has changed, me or him?????? That is the 64,000,000 question....
Quote: That's it...who has changed, me or him?????? That is the
You both have. For the better so it seems...
Quote: then he asked if I thought we could go through this dating sequence. So - I told him it seemed strange...but at the same time, I felt we needed to go slow - be friends again and take it from there.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW GOOD THINGS ARE RIGHT NOW???? 1210... you have an XH who is pursuing you!!! Don't blow it and don't look at the glass as half empty!
Is he pursuing me...or going through the motions? I guess that I "expected" him to swoosh me off to the bedroom and everything would be normal...but he seems content in the dating ritual.
The 64,000,000 question is who has changed....it's more like how much have you both changed? Is he still the same man he was before or are you noticing differences? Do you feel different towards him? Are the feelings of attraction still there or is it more of the comfort level? That's a lot of questions I just asked you....sorry!
The wanting to be in a regular R right now probably feels "normal" b/c that is what you were used too with him. The dating thing seems so long ago. I was married for only 8 years and I can't imagine just the dating thing. I know that even when my W visits I get the urge to just be in the R again even though it would be a rough go.
I think your confusion is completely normal and I'm sure it feels the same way to him also. You both seem to be "there" and the old ways will probably have to be held at bay. He is already telling you all about his Xmas and everything he did....He wants to include you. I jump at those signs. You know what you need to do and how to go about doing it......maybe it is just an issue with patience. Whatever you don't...don't do what I do!!
I say wear Navy on New Year's Eve! Nice taste in music and give him the Chia Pet already!
Sorry I missed this thread earlier...I was looking for it!
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
I guess that I see he has changed, but I have as well...but to think that I'm having to start over really offends me. The dating thing makes me feel like I'm seventeen...been there, done that.
But, like David said, I could blow this - so, I'll let him steer this ship for a while and see where it goes.
Yes, I do have a strong attraction to him...that is why this dating thing seems so "yesterday"....
First let me tell you that I love reading the advice you give to other people. It's been a few weeks since I started reading your threads and your responses to others and it's always intriquing to see what you're going to say next
Anyways, the only thing I can say about this development in your new R is like the rest of us you want it to be like the way it used to be, sort of, but if you skip the getting to know each other again, you might end up in square one. The one thing different in this new R of yours is you are SMARTER, yes, smarter than him and even if you do let him do the steering, you can apply the brakes at any time.
Guys will go through the motions ONLY if they are just out to get some. It sounds to me like your XH could get some at anytime. You have the attraction to him and I'm thinking he has it towards you also. Must be nice...my W says she hasn't ever been sexually attracted towards me.
The dating thing isn't a necessity if you want to just jump back in and see where you end up!? And I'm not so sure you want him to steer this ship....I'm thinking that maybe you don't want to give up control. You have built your own life that YOU control and you are now starting to let someone back in. IF you didn't mind giving up the control why would you fuss over his request for a different color of dress?
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
I guess that I see he has changed, but I have as well...but
to think that I'm having to start over really offends me.
The dating thing makes me feel like I'm seventeen...been
there, done that.
But, like David said, I could blow this - so, I'll let him
steer this ship for a while and see where it goes.
Yes, I do have a strong attraction to him...that is why
this dating thing seems so "yesterday"....
PATIENCE.... 1210!!! Come on now, If you were 17 you'd be rushing this along b/c you want it now. You're 45 and you don't want to blow this. That doesn't mean let him dawdle along forever. But let him set the pace.
And chose a different color. How about a 180 and go w/ RED for NYE?
With some nice strappy HIGH heels (which as you know are totally unpractical, but sexy as hell for guys!
Why not enjoy this ride instead of fighting it and trying to figure it out? Isn't that what you do when you're 17?
1210, it really sounds like you have an opportunity here if you want it. Keep us posted and good luck!
Oh, BTW, do you have the scooby doo chia pet by chance? I need that one to complete my collection. Thought one of my Sisters was going to get it for me because they always bust my chops by giving me one every Christmas. I didn't get one this Christmas..
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
Is he pursuing me...or going through the motions? I guess that I "expected" him to swoosh me off to the bedroom and everything would be normal...but he seems content in the dating ritual.
Hi 1210 !
How did you get to this point thus far ? Hmm... he sends buddy over to scope the place out.... He just shows up out of the blue.. He waits the obligatory 4 or 5 days to call you (to put you on edge.. nice job there btw.. )... He does the "old" "gee.. I am sorry I did not get you anything".. gift from under the seat thingy for YOU !...
He plays your music in the car.. and talks to you about the songs meaning...
Well.. anyway.. YES HE IS PURSUING YOU ... like an elephant in a tiger hunt !!!
Dating ? What is that about anyway ? It is to know what we are dealing with btw... Relax.. enjoy your life.. and enjoy each moment of these new events and sitch my friend !
