So sorry for your discovery. Doesn't seem to matter how our MLC spouses find to send these lovely messages to us, they all hurt the same way. Please remember that his actions have nothing to do with what kind of person you are or how precious you are. MLC, if that's part of this, is inherently about selfish behavior on the part of the MLC'er.
He's not looking at you honestly, because his thoughts are elsewhere. He's not even looking at her honestly because his thoughts are on the fantasy that he has created in his mind. Right now he thinks she can satisfy the fantasy and that you can't. And understand, I'm not just talking about some sexual fantasy he has, I'm talking about a mental fantasy about what will make him feel happy and complete. It's the trip he's on.
You can't do anything to change his mind. Whether you're nice to him or mean to him really won't make much difference right now I think. But there is no reason for him to think that you will be sitting around waiting for him or looking after him, particularly if he's pursuing someone else. So I'd say it's time to shut him off. If you want to share with him what you've found as an introduction to why you're shutting him off, I don't think that's a problem. You might check with others here to see what they think.
Sorry again IT. Please, please take care of yourself and spend some time breaking away from him emotionally for now. Do something nice for you, put your focus on caring for you and doing nice things for you for awhile. Your happiness does NOT depend on him.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Quote: You can't do anything to change his mind. Whether you're nice to him or mean to him really won't make much difference right now I think. But there is no reason for him to think that you will be sitting around waiting for him or looking after him, particularly if he's pursuing someone else. So I'd say it's time to shut him off. If you want to share with him what you've found as an introduction to why you're shutting him off, I don't think that's a problem. You might check with others here to see what they think.
Thank you so much for your reply and I agree with you. I'm actually not going to let him know why I'm not contacting him (because he's already told me not to contact him and to move on) also because I think that will give him too much info and I think that's been sort of a security blanket for him all of this time. He hasn't really had to wonder too much for me and I've seemingly had to do that myself.
I also read your recent thread and I was sorry to also hear that you were having a difficult time. I've been praying that God will help me to release this situation to Him and also my H's situation to Him. This is something that one of my friends said helped her in her situation and she said it helped to visualize this in your mind. I've also said prayers for you and your situation and others who are going through something similar. For me, it helps to know that someone is praying for me and I hope that it helps you too.
It hurts so bad to go through this, but I have to hope there is something that will come from this that will make me an even better person and also help even my H. I appreciate your words of encouragement.
Quote: It hurts so bad to go through this, but I have to hope there is something that will come from this that will make me an even better person
This is the opportunity that each of us in this situation have that we absolutely MUST take advantage of.
Think of it this way:
1) Our spouses are behaving in a way that is shocking and hurtful to us, yet no matter what we say or do we can't seem to change the path they are on, so...
2) We have to let them go, as much as possible, to travel through this journey they are on, a journey that we cannot accompany them on.
3) So what do we do in the meantime? We work on ourselves. We take advantage of the fact that our spouse does not and cannot give us what we need at this time, in fact they reject us seemingly at every opportunity.
Someone once explained it to me by saying that I should consider this time a vacation from my marriage. For however long my wife continues on this path, I have no responsibilities with her and our relationship. It's a chance to do some things I couldn't do otherwise. It's a chance to do some self-reflection, trying to see if there aren't some things in me that could stand a little attention and improving. It's also a chance to flex some of my personal muscles that haven't been used much -- go in some new directions, try a new hobby, explore a new interest.
With each of these activities incorporated into our lives we know several benefits. First we start feeling better about ourselves. Our confidence grows. We begin to realize what we should have known all along -- our happiness does not depend on another person, even our spouses. In fact, if we have been depending on our spouse for our happiness that could well be one of the problems we were having in our relationship. Secondly, this new person that we are becoming tends to be a very attractive person. Sometimes attractive enough that it contributes to our spouses choosing one day to return to us. And if they don't, this new attractiveness makes it likely that we will be able to move on one day.
Don't waste this opportunity. It's very hard to get started, even harder to sustain our efforts. This is definitely my most difficult thing. Letting go and focusing on me seems to contradict everything inside us that we think we should now be doing. Just keep in mind, there is very little that we can do to sway our spouses back to us once they've embarked on this bizarre journey.
The best we can do is be kind to ourselves. Prepare ourselves for whatever the ending is to our spouses tale.
Be strong. I will add your name to my list of friends on here that I pray for.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Hi Laura, Well, I really hate to read this. As much as we want to find people to relate to on these boards, I would not wish the pain that I felt seeing things on my Hs myspace page on anyone. It is the most gut-wrenching feeling...which is why I hate it so much I'm sorry you found it. I agree with Bworl completely, he is in a fantasy world right now and there's really no way to pull him out of it. That being said, you should read some of the first posts people made to me on my thread about snooping. Not that you were necessarily snooping to find anything bad (like I was), but I think the advice still applies. Please don't go back to his page anymore. MySpace allows people to be anonymous and in my opinion, it's the ideal place for the MLCer because they can remain in a fantasy world; no face to face communication/interaction and they don't have to deal with the day to day stresses of having a spouse/family/job/house/etc. My H is in a band so you can imagine all the girls I found on there...some even under 18! H always told me that he never took MySpace seriously. So, while it still hurts, read between the lines...I think even H knows it's a fantasy world. People say things on there they never have the guts to say in person. And, in my opinion, things said on there are much less sincere than in person. While reading those words "I love you" filled your heart with sorrow, keep in mind that the forum he is using to say it in is much less tangible. I cannot stress enough to please stay away from there! The best advice I received was that finding this kind of information only inhibits you from DBing and the bottom line is that you never know the true intentions by what is said on there anyway...so why put yourself through the pain. My thoughts are with you, Unbroken
You don't know how much this post means to me. I know that I will read this one over and over and each time I will probably take a little something different away from it. I know that the only way I can improve my situation (for me!) is to do exactly as you said.
I really don't want for my H to feel in any way that I am sitting around waiting for him. I think that in a lot of actions I have not, but in my mind/thoughts, I have. He really has had it so easy w/ me and has not clue about that...
I am going to focus on me and doing what brings me happiness and that is a good thing. I really like your example about taking a vacation away from this situation and I think b/c I'm so visual, I needed to think about it like that.
Yes, it's not fun to go through this (major understatement!) and in some ways I'm sorry I found it and some ways I'm glad. It may be something I needed to see to help me focus on me more.
Quote: I agree with Bworl completely, he is in a fantasy world right now and there's really no way to pull him out of it.
I really hope that is true. I guess, when you are where we are sometimes, you start questioning everything that you ever were to each other and start thinking that maybe this really is his true heart. Then I start thinking that cannot be true. It just looked so childish when I was reading through it and I had to triple check that I was actually reading his words.
Quote: You should read some of the first posts people made to me on my thread about snooping. Not that you were necessarily snooping to find anything bad (like I was), but I think the advice still applies. Please don't go back to his page anymore.
Thanks for that! I agree w/ you! I told myself and my friend that I called that I could not go back to his page ever b/c all it does is upset me and help me to buy into this thing he is in at the moment.
Quote: you start questioning everything that you ever were to each other and start thinking that maybe this really is his true heart
His true heart? He doesn't even know what a true heart is right now. "True" hearts, life and love are about making choices. "True" hearts are about being true to yourself AND your loved ones. My H has said for once in his life he was going to take care of himself and do what he wanted in life no matter what anyone else thought. I don't know if you have heard this from your H, but he does seem to be exemplifying some selfish behaviors. His "true" feelings are selfish feelings...nothing more, nothing less. If you believe in MLC, then you also believe your H was not a selfish person up to this point and will not be a selfish person when he comes out of this. Hold on tight...you are going to see selfish behaviors and you will get a glimpse of unselfish acts from time to time. Take them all for what they are as they come. Appreciate the good times and let the bad times roll...and keep coming here when you have the bad times. We're hear to listen when your H isn't
I really needed to hear that. I think when I see other's situations, I can see that, but for me, I'm thinking that my situation must be different and that H is IN LOVE . It's interesting, I was just at the grocery store and I saw a young woman that was about 22 (I'm 34 by the way) and I thought that she seemed so young - I thought how could H be w/ someone this age, especially what I think I know about her too and really be in a happy place?
Hi Laura, I can relate all too well. I am 33, my H is 30 and he "fell for" a 23 year old; she is an ex-coc addict, she smokes and carries a lot more weight than I do...she does have huge boobs though...maybe that's what it is...if you're into the saggy kind I guess . My H has never touched alcohol or drugs in his life and hates smoking most of all...go figure. I remember when I first found out about "his feelings", I said to him, "ya know, she's almost exactly like I was at that age" (in school, passionate, etc) and he actually agreed. He clearly didn't get my point though. We had a child, I had to get a job, we wanted a house and stable place for D9, etc. I am not 23 anymore and when she's 33, she will not be the same person either. People change, feelings change, situations change, lives change, but marriage is about a commitment, it's about making the choice to be with someone, it's about knowing that one day I might hate this person and the next day I might be madly in love with this person, it's about being proud of who you are and who you have chosen to be with...ugh, I could go on and on. This is what I hope H will realize someday.
Quote: I'm thinking that my situation must be different and that H is IN LOVE
The truth of the matter is, your H, my H and all of the other MLCers/WAS out there definately "feel" in love. The trouble is that they're not mature enough to know that feelings come and go. They just haven't learned this about relationships yet. They're caught up in a fantasy world and we have to decide if we can wait to see if they will come out of it. I'm pretty certain H and I will get D...at this point, we're just waiting for the papers to get drawn up by the L. However, I have come to accept that D may be part of the journey on his path of realization and maturing. While this is one thing I have struggled to accept, I know there will be many more hurdles to jump...like if he gets into R with OW That is going to be a MAJOR hurdle for me...maybe one I cannot get over. You will have to evaluate and re-evaluate your situation to decide if you can wait and how long. You will have to decide what you can put up with.
I hope this helps. You should feel empowered to know that you know more about what is going on with your H than he does
I talked with DB coach Laurie yesterday and she was a huge help to me. After talking w/ her, I have decided to go dark w/ my H for at least the next month and then evaluate it weekly from there. My hope is that my H will miss that I did not contact him on his birthday (2/6), which essentially will show him that I did listen to his wishes and not contact him anymore. Also, he will have plenty of time w/ OW and can't blame me for his confusion if it is just the two of them. I really believe that he can't have anything real w/ her and I hope that he starts to realize what he is in for if he chooses to continue on w/ her and remove me from his life.
I'm sorry you found it.
. It's interesting, I was just at the grocery store and I saw a young woman that was about 22 (I'm 34 by the way) and I thought that she seemed so young - I thought how could H be w/ someone this age, especially what I think I know about her too and really be in a happy place?
. My H has never touched alcohol or drugs in his life and hates smoking most of all...go figure. I remember when I first found out about "his feelings", I said to him, "ya know, she's almost exactly like I was at that age" (in school, passionate, etc) and he actually agreed. He clearly didn't get my point though. We had a child, I had to get a job, we wanted a house and stable place for D9, etc. I am not 23 anymore and when she's 33, she will not be the same person either. People change, feelings change, situations change, lives change, but marriage is about a commitment, it's about making the choice to be with someone, it's about knowing that one day I might hate this person and the next day I might be madly in love with this person, it's about being proud of who you are and who you have chosen to be with...ugh, I could go on and on. This is what I hope H will realize someday. 
After talking w/ her, I have decided to go dark w/ my H for at least the next month and then evaluate it weekly from there. My hope is that my H will miss that I did not contact him on his birthday (2/6), which essentially will show him that I did listen to his wishes and not contact him anymore. Also, he will have plenty of time w/ OW and can't blame me for his confusion if it is just the two of them. I really believe that he can't have anything real w/ her and I hope that he starts to realize what he is in for if he chooses to continue on w/ her and remove me from his life.