I too struggle with some of the same issues. Like taking my vows seriously. I also have gone back and forth with why would God want this for me. So keep searching.
I have come to realize though with the help of other posters that I will probably always feel a loss. It is like a death. The death of marriage. So we may never get over it but we can move on and be happy. Just because there is sadness it does not mean that we are stuck.
But for now take some time to grieve. I know I held my feelings in far too long. Then continue to work on you and search for the answers you need for you life. It takes time. There is no magic cure. We have to pass through those fires to come out the other side.
Hi Nicola, I think you've gotten a lot of really great input here--I appreciated much of what BBA had to say and bj as well.
I have come to understand, just in the past week, that I have been damaged by this whole thing. My H's betrayal and his abandonment will always be a part of me. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt or that it hasn't left a scar. The challenge is; how do I move on from this emotional cavern without becoming jaded and scared to ever love again?
My gut tells me that I have to embrace this damaged part of myself. I have spent so much time trying to "fix" it--to not feel it or ignore it or tell myself that maybe, just maybe, by some miracle H will have an epiphany and come home. But even if that did happen, it would not heal the scar--that is permanent and whomever I get involved with in my future will also have to understand that this is a part of me now—not something I ever wanted, expected or planned for, but something I must carry regardless.
And so Nicola, I wonder if you are also trying to heal that damage in yourself by clinging to the notion of a miracle? Maybe something inside of you is still saying "if only he would come home and do what needs to be done then we could fix this pain in my heart." I wonder if that is what is causing the back slide and what is holding you back from moving forward. I think you are having a very hard time releasing your expectations.
Yes, I too believe that you can steer your own life and that what you focus on expands but it isn't like voodoo or magic--you can't, for example, think really hard about H having an awakening and then come to find out it happens. It only works when you focus on your own path and your own changes. You can however focus your thoughts, prayers and energy on making your life happy--not alone--but happy and yes, even in love. Why not? You don't have to visualize your H when you focus on this, you can focus on the new man you want and move toward greater detachment in the knowledge that YES, you will have love and happiness again. The more you do that, the more the things you want will be drawn to you. Normally about right here, I would say "who knows, maybe that "new man" will be your H after his epiphany" but I think it does us no good to cling to that hope. Did you read Smurf's thread where he posted the article by Lance Armstrong's X-wife--very good and apropos for you at this juncture.
I told my friend this weekend that if we could all just make decisions on the basis of "is what I am going to do going to cause unnecessary pain to another?" then it would be a much kinder world. But that question should also apply to ourselves as well: "is staying in this limbo hurting me?" and if the answer is yes, then you should so something to change it to move toward happiness. Nicola, I sense there is a lot of fear in you now and that you are allowingf that fear to have power over you. "If Ido this, that that may happen"==as FDR said"there is nothing to fear but fear intself--simple yet immenselyprofound and true. This is a mind over matter kind of thing.
We DBers all know by now that it is not good to be a martyr and it is not selfish to want happiness for ourselves. In fact if we seek happiness in a way that is not damaging to others, we can make those that surround us happier too and the cycle will continue.
So Nicola, what I'm saying is that there is a big difference between staying married and moving on and getting divorced and moving on. I personally think it is best to stay married and move on so that if you do get divorced you don't postpone your moving on until then. Right now you seem to be staying married with the hope he will come home and thinking that this is the only reason worth staying married right now. But why not shift your thinking to focus in the fact that you are staying married so that you have an opportunity to slowly detach and heal and ready yourself for your future--YOu are staying marries and letting and when you have achieved total detachment and find that H is still in La La Land, maybe then you will be ready to file--you won't be so torn and conflicted about it as you are now.
You will know when the time is right for you. I think you are still very emotional and delicate and I don’t think filing will make you feel any better. However I do think acknowledging what bj said will be healing—it is not “wrong” to change something that is not working for you, and worse, that is hurting you.
Wow, I’m a chowder head tonight huh? Listen sweetie, I love you and I know you have the skills to get through this. You have learned and changed so much. Althea
Hi Nicola - I am so sorry to see the hurt and pain you are going through. I know you are so conflicted about what to do. Althea's post was wonderful advice.
I think in some ways the advice you have given to me can apply back to you. In some ways our situations are different (your H is undecided, my H eventually made up his mind and then it was full steam ahead) but in some ways they are similar (that we both realize despite the love we have for our H's, they didn't make us happy, didn't give us the love we deserved and we sense that there is more out there for us.) You've told me recently that I will love again and that person I meet will cherish me and give me all the love that I need and want and am able to share with him. I think you should think of that same advice for yourself, that you deserve all of these things and you can and will find it again. Your H might not deserve all the heartfelt feelings you have for him. Please focus on yourself and your happiness. In time, your path will become very clear to you, whatever it is. I believe that.
Hi nicola......I haven't posted here in awhile and I thought perhaps I would put a small note here. Sometimes I like to be the dark horse here and buck some of the posts. I DO think that there is a time when we start holding on for the wrong reasons....false hope, dependence, emotional need, fear. Those reasons for holding on are wrong. Sometimes, I think we are too easy to label our S's as 'sick', 'confused', etc. Many of them really DO know exactly what they are doing. A small subset, perhaps, are depressed and in a funk.
I think, of all the posts listed above, the one that talks about staying married and about life....is the most important...and it ties in with what bworl wrote. Only YOU will know when you've had enough....when the door closes...when you feel that staying on has crossed that line in the sand where your self-esteem is at stake. The REAL reason for filing is when YOU feel the R has become DESTRUCTIVE....destructive to YOU...to your family.
I know, from my sitch, that the first thing to happen if I suddenly become the WAS and throw in the towel, that we will lose the house. 5K in atty fees for me...5K for her and just to start...2K for an apartment for me. No way....unless my W finds a wealthy CEO in NYC to pay the mortgage, my house will fall. Why do I post this? (and, I don't like to post MY sitch in others threads if possible). So, will D right now be more destructive than staying M'd and moving on?
That..it's about life...and, as posted above, the best thought, do you hold onto the M for false hope, or, stay in the M and move on with your life 'for now'. Whether D'd or as is, H will always be tied to you because of the kids, right? Would it be better for you right now to just move on and enjoy your life as best as possible, or, has your M become destructive to you and has the door closed? There are so many questions to ask yourself. You've been at this so much longer than I (but I'm catching up really quickly).
-what do you want to do with your life? can you do it while still M'd? -are there advantages to staying M'd for you now, outside of reconciling? -if you filed tomorrow, and H didn't respond as if it were an LRT, what would you feel? are you ready to go on with life without H? -OTOH, if you filed, and H DID come back and want to reconcile, are you ready for that?
A lot of questions, and, perhaps, my post isn't that helpful. Reread bworls..he is so much better at knowing hearts perhaps.
I support you.
Frank
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Althea and Mermaid, you both discuss grieving, and I think this is an impt point for me. Yes, A, you are right that a part of me feels like if H were to return, everything would be a-ok. OTOH, I fear that I will never be able to trust him again. In fact, that is one reason why I'm not sure reconciliation would even be possible. Either way, I do have to grieve the loss of my marriage, and the loss of my innocence. I have, in the last few days, come to realize that I am angry about that last one--I will NEVER have that same level of deep trust that I once did. I really don't think that is retrievable, and that saddens me. I feel as if a valuable part of me has been excised. I need to come to terms with that resentment and anger.
I am angry for the years that I put into my marriage, trying to hard to make it work. I'm angry that H consistenly refused MC. I'm angry that I made the decision to marry him. Boy, I'm angrier than I thought! But again, these are feelings that I have buried and that I do have to deal with.
I am working at visualizing myself happy on my own. I'm just really not sure where my life is going right now. I'm not sure what I want in life. I'm just kind of going day by day, which I guess is what I need right now.
Yesterday, I made the decision to treat H with love. I was ticked off at him b/c he was angry about something minor over the phone (not with me, but his energy got to me anyway) and for something to do w/ the kids. Focusing on that made me angrier and more resentful; I started to think about all the annoying things he did during our M--I could see only negativity. So, I made a decision to let that go. When he came over to watch the kids last night, I was loving and kind. I complimented him on his decision to take the kids tubing last w/e and told him they really enjoyed it. And something amazing happened: *I* felt happier and more detached. It's strange, but when I'm kinder, I feel more detached, not sure why that is. Maybe b/c I'm not letting his behaviour dictate mine.
So today, I'm feeling better again. I want to tell you all that so that this doesn't turn into one of those depressing threads that you read and then feel worse after. The rollercoaster continues, but the down times are shorter for me now. H still has problems and I seriously wonder if he will resolve them. He still has a lot of anger in him, which he generally keeps hidden, but his tension and irritability are obvious, much more so now that I don't see him all the time. When he is around, I feel it and I'm glad we don't live together.
FIB - you talked about ending a M when it is destructive. Right now, I suppose it isn't, but I'm not sure. I do feel like I'm being used. I have a strong feeling that H is just waiting till his court case is over in March, and then he will want to go ahead with the D. Of course, I could be wrong, but this is how my feel. He doesn't want to look bad to the judge. I don't want to go into details here, but he thinks a legal S or D could have other implications. In any case, the thought of dealing with all that yucky paperwork is not exciting for me. Also, I want to get my new windows in before we split all our money!! Plus, I'm thinking of getting central air if we have another hot summer.
Truthfully, I'm not sure what would be more destructive right now. A part of me just wants to get this whole thing over with. I am not good with the unknown. It's not even about not having control--I could end this any time. It's about not knowing what life would be like, mainly financially. Also, I really hate the idea of not spending all the holidays with my kids, maybe not seeing them on their birthdays. For now, we celebrate b'days together, but who knows if that would continue? I hate that thought.
One of my friends (negative influence btw) told me to be careful b/c if he loses his job before an agreement, he won't have to pay child support, but if we have an agreement and then he loses his job, it will accrue and he will be in arrears. This is a big concern for me. [If he gets a criminal record, he will lose his job.]
So, I have a lot going on in my mind. I'm too conflicted right now to actually do anything. Additionally, I have some work stress right now b/c I have to develop two courses that I've never taught. That should take up a lot of my mindspace for the next few months.
One thing that I need to do is to stop analysing what H says. I've started doing that again, but in a negative way. When he says anything, I assume he's got a bad intention, e.g. "It's great that you have f/t work again," which I translate as "now I'll have to pay spousal support." Yes, I'm very suspicious, but with good reason, I think. I am afraid that if I don't file soon, I will somehow get screwed.
Anway, I don't know where I'm going with this, so I guess I'll finish up.
Thanks for posting.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
You sound better. It is easier to be yourself than to be angry. But it is better to be detached .Your are doing good.
Quote: The rollercoaster continues, but the down times are shorter for me now. H still has problems and I seriously wonder if he will resolve them. He still has a lot of anger in him, which he generally keeps hidden, but his tension and irritability are obvious, much more so now that I don't see him all the time. When he is around, I feel it and I'm glad we don't live together.
Quote: Either way, I do have to grieve the loss of my marriage, and the loss of my innocence.
And the loss of your dream. I had my hole life planned out. When I would retire, how we'd spend vacations, etc. etc. That was a tough one for me, the loss of my dream. It had a lot to do with my need to be in control, I don't like surprises and I had MANY expectations. But the closer I came to God, the more I realized I should leave the planning up to Him, and learn to accept life, love life, as it comes. I'm so much happier than when I had a plan.
Quote: OTOH, I fear that I will never be able to trust him again. In fact, that is one reason why I'm not sure reconciliation would even be possible.
This statement brought up a general response in me. Don't let fear dictate your actions or decisions. Fear is a prime motivator inspired by evil. Let strength and courage reign in your heart, and drive any fear away.
Along those lines a D attorney gave me some very good advice. He counseled me to not let financial issues have a bearing on the fate of my M. If you're concerned about the finances, you can legally separate without a D. I'm not saying you should'nt D, just saying there are alternatives to keep you financially secure.
Quote: Yesterday, I made the decision to treat H with love.
Nice! You made the decision to love, and in turn you recieved love. Maybe not from your H, but from a special source just the same.
Quote: I do feel like I'm being used. I have a strong feeling that H is just waiting till his court case is over in March, and then he will want to go ahead with the D.
Well we all get used sometimes, and we tend to use other's when we need to. I can understand your frustration with that though. Trust me I know the feeling. You are doing him a great favor though, and I think he realizes it, even though he may never thank you for it. You'll be blessed some day for the love and sacrifice you've given to your brother.
Quote: Also, I really hate the idea of not spending all the holidays with my kids, maybe not seeing them on their birthdays. For now, we celebrate b'days together, but who knows if that would continue?
That's one of the worst parts of D. The nice part is we can find someone new, someone MUCH better for us. The downside is the family get's torn in half. Especially when the mom's and dad's get remarried. Talk about confusing and stressfull. How about your kid's spending birthday with H and his girlfriend, while your new H is wanting to go to his kid's music recital and you want to at least see your kid on his Bday, but the recital is across town so...........STRESS!
Quote: So, I have a lot going on in my mind. I'm too conflicted right now to actually do anything.
That's not all bad Nicola. It's a good chance to let go, don't worry the outcome, live life one moment at a time. Find joy and peace in the midst of the struggle. Relax, things are gonna work out for the better. Maybe not on your time frame, but things are gonna be OK. I really admire how you have grown emotionally. Keep working on YOU. Be strong, brave, and faithful. Trust God, and let go the controls just like you've been doing. You've come a long ways, and you still have much to do. Don't rush it, stay close to your kid's, and keep an open heart and mind. We're proud of you!
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
I'll go with COG's last paragraph and your own thoughts. Basic tenet: never make major decisions when down or stressed out. Easy button. Hang in. Stay the course, but, get on with your life and see how you feel and how it goes.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I called H to talk about something that's been bothering me WRT to the T he is seeing, whom I used to see. I just wanted to tell him about some things that had bothered me in the way that he spoke to me sometimes (at the end, he became very pushy, which I didn't like). Anyhow, it came up that this T had told me, a couple of weeks after H left, that H had never loved me, didn't know how to love,etc. I told H that even if this were true, it really hurt to hear. H said that it wasn't true, he did love me, and still cares for me very deeply and wants me to be happy. [I thought that was the same as loving someone, but I guess not??] He also said, anxiously: "But you're usually okay, right?"
I got off the phone feeling very, very sad b/c he seems convinced that he does not love me and won't ever again. Of course, that's my interpretation and it is true today, who knows about a month from now? But the good side is that at least we are able to be honest with each other, and there is no hate there. Also, it just proves to me that he really has pulled away b/c he thinks it is better for me, as he originally said. He really thinks (probably rightly) that he is no good for me right now. As much as I would like to help him, I can't.
Also, he told me that he and the T are working on him being assertive and not letting people like his BF manipulate him. I am very happy about this, b/c this is something that I think will help H a lot in his life.
COG - I just want to say that you are right--I am coming from a place of fear when I worry. It is something that I'm working hard to overcome.
Quote: I really admire how you have grown emotionally. Keep working on YOU. Be strong, brave, and faithful. Trust God, and let go the controls just like you've been doing. You've come a long ways, and you still have much to do. Don't rush it, stay close to your kid's, and keep an open heart and mind. We're proud of you!
Thank you so much; this really means a lot to me.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
You know you can't help him, Nicola--you've told me this about my own situation. You can choose to keep treating him with love, though, and that in itself will help him.
COG's post is wonderful, as is the other advice. The only thing I wanted to add right now is in reference to positive thinking. I don't think Dyer would say that it matters if you picture yourself with H or alone. What is important is that you focus on being in flow with God/ the universe/ whatever you want to call it. Choose to be happy and happiness will come to you.
I wish that I felt that deep happiness that you feel. Many times I feel content, but truly happy? Not yet.
