Still on the journey 2

[COG]

Nic,

Either way, I do have to grieve the loss of my marriage, and the loss of my innocence.

And the loss of your dream. I had my hole life planned out. When I would retire, how we'd spend vacations, etc. etc. That was a tough one for me, the loss of my dream. It had a lot to do with my need to be in control, I don't like surprises and I had MANY expectations. But the closer I came to God, the more I realized I should leave the planning up to Him, and learn to accept life, love life, as it comes. I'm so much happier than when I had a plan.

OTOH, I fear that I will never be able to trust him again. In fact, that is one reason why I'm not sure reconciliation would even be possible.

This statement brought up a general response in me. Don't let fear dictate your actions or decisions. Fear is a prime motivator inspired by evil. Let strength and courage reign in your heart, and drive any fear away.

Along those lines a D attorney gave me some very good advice. He counseled me to not let financial issues have a bearing on the fate of my M. If you're concerned about the finances, you can legally separate without a D. I'm not saying you should'nt D, just saying there are alternatives to keep you financially secure.

Yesterday, I made the decision to treat H with love.

Nice! You made the decision to love, and in turn you recieved love. Maybe not from your H, but from a special source just the same.

I do feel like I'm being used. I have a strong feeling that H is just waiting till his court case is over in March, and then he will want to go ahead with the D.

Well we all get used sometimes, and we tend to use other's when we need to. I can understand your frustration with that though. Trust me I know the feeling. You are doing him a great favor though, and I think he realizes it, even though he may never thank you for it. You'll be blessed some day for the love and sacrifice you've given to your brother.

Also, I really hate the idea of not spending all the holidays with my kids, maybe not seeing them on their birthdays. For now, we celebrate b'days together, but who knows if that would continue?

That's one of the worst parts of D. The nice part is we can find someone new, someone MUCH better for us. The downside is the family get's torn in half. Especially when the mom's and dad's get remarried. Talk about confusing and stressfull. How about your kid's spending birthday with H and his girlfriend, while your new H is wanting to go to his kid's music recital and you want to at least see your kid on his Bday, but the recital is across town so...........STRESS!

So, I have a lot going on in my mind. I'm too conflicted right now to actually do anything.

That's not all bad Nicola. It's a good chance to let go, don't worry the outcome, live life one moment at a time. Find joy and peace in the midst of the struggle. Relax, things are gonna work out for the better. Maybe not on your time frame, but things are gonna be OK. I really admire how you have grown emotionally. Keep working on YOU. Be strong, brave, and faithful. Trust God, and let go the controls just like you've been doing. You've come a long ways, and you still have much to do. Don't rush it, stay close to your kid's, and keep an open heart and mind. We're proud of you!

Love,

COG