Althea and Mermaid, you both discuss grieving, and I think this is an impt point for me. Yes, A, you are right that a part of me feels like if H were to return, everything would be a-ok. OTOH, I fear that I will never be able to trust him again. In fact, that is one reason why I'm not sure reconciliation would even be possible. Either way, I do have to grieve the loss of my marriage, and the loss of my innocence. I have, in the last few days, come to realize that I am angry about that last one--I will NEVER have that same level of deep trust that I once did. I really don't think that is retrievable, and that saddens me. I feel as if a valuable part of me has been excised. I need to come to terms with that resentment and anger.
I am angry for the years that I put into my marriage, trying to hard to make it work. I'm angry that H consistenly refused MC. I'm angry that I made the decision to marry him. Boy, I'm angrier than I thought! But again, these are feelings that I have buried and that I do have to deal with.
I am working at visualizing myself happy on my own. I'm just really not sure where my life is going right now. I'm not sure what I want in life. I'm just kind of going day by day, which I guess is what I need right now.
Yesterday, I made the decision to treat H with love. I was ticked off at him b/c he was angry about something minor over the phone (not with me, but his energy got to me anyway) and for something to do w/ the kids. Focusing on that made me angrier and more resentful; I started to think about all the annoying things he did during our M--I could see only negativity. So, I made a decision to let that go. When he came over to watch the kids last night, I was loving and kind. I complimented him on his decision to take the kids tubing last w/e and told him they really enjoyed it. And something amazing happened: *I* felt happier and more detached. It's strange, but when I'm kinder, I feel more detached, not sure why that is. Maybe b/c I'm not letting his behaviour dictate mine.
So today, I'm feeling better again. I want to tell you all that so that this doesn't turn into one of those depressing threads that you read and then feel worse after. The rollercoaster continues, but the down times are shorter for me now. H still has problems and I seriously wonder if he will resolve them. He still has a lot of anger in him, which he generally keeps hidden, but his tension and irritability are obvious, much more so now that I don't see him all the time. When he is around, I feel it and I'm glad we don't live together.
FIB - you talked about ending a M when it is destructive. Right now, I suppose it isn't, but I'm not sure. I do feel like I'm being used. I have a strong feeling that H is just waiting till his court case is over in March, and then he will want to go ahead with the D. Of course, I could be wrong, but this is how my feel. He doesn't want to look bad to the judge. I don't want to go into details here, but he thinks a legal S or D could have other implications. In any case, the thought of dealing with all that yucky paperwork is not exciting for me. Also, I want to get my new windows in before we split all our money!! Plus, I'm thinking of getting central air if we have another hot summer.
Truthfully, I'm not sure what would be more destructive right now. A part of me just wants to get this whole thing over with. I am not good with the unknown. It's not even about not having control--I could end this any time. It's about not knowing what life would be like, mainly financially. Also, I really hate the idea of not spending all the holidays with my kids, maybe not seeing them on their birthdays. For now, we celebrate b'days together, but who knows if that would continue? I hate that thought.
One of my friends (negative influence btw) told me to be careful b/c if he loses his job before an agreement, he won't have to pay child support, but if we have an agreement and then he loses his job, it will accrue and he will be in arrears. This is a big concern for me. [If he gets a criminal record, he will lose his job.]
So, I have a lot going on in my mind. I'm too conflicted right now to actually do anything. Additionally, I have some work stress right now b/c I have to develop two courses that I've never taught. That should take up a lot of my mindspace for the next few months.
One thing that I need to do is to stop analysing what H says. I've started doing that again, but in a negative way. When he says anything, I assume he's got a bad intention, e.g. "It's great that you have f/t work again," which I translate as "now I'll have to pay spousal support." Yes, I'm very suspicious, but with good reason, I think. I am afraid that if I don't file soon, I will somehow get screwed.
Anway, I don't know where I'm going with this, so I guess I'll finish up.
Thanks for posting.
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
