Hi Nicola, I think you've gotten a lot of really great input here--I appreciated much of what BBA had to say and bj as well.
I have come to understand, just in the past week, that I have been damaged by this whole thing. My H's betrayal and his abandonment will always be a part of me. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt or that it hasn't left a scar. The challenge is; how do I move on from this emotional cavern without becoming jaded and scared to ever love again?
My gut tells me that I have to embrace this damaged part of myself. I have spent so much time trying to "fix" it--to not feel it or ignore it or tell myself that maybe, just maybe, by some miracle H will have an epiphany and come home. But even if that did happen, it would not heal the scar--that is permanent and whomever I get involved with in my future will also have to understand that this is a part of me now—not something I ever wanted, expected or planned for, but something I must carry regardless.
And so Nicola, I wonder if you are also trying to heal that damage in yourself by clinging to the notion of a miracle? Maybe something inside of you is still saying "if only he would come home and do what needs to be done then we could fix this pain in my heart." I wonder if that is what is causing the back slide and what is holding you back from moving forward. I think you are having a very hard time releasing your expectations.
Yes, I too believe that you can steer your own life and that what you focus on expands but it isn't like voodoo or magic--you can't, for example, think really hard about H having an awakening and then come to find out it happens. It only works when you focus on your own path and your own changes. You can however focus your thoughts, prayers and energy on making your life happy--not alone--but happy and yes, even in love. Why not? You don't have to visualize your H when you focus on this, you can focus on the new man you want and move toward greater detachment in the knowledge that YES, you will have love and happiness again. The more you do that, the more the things you want will be drawn to you. Normally about right here, I would say "who knows, maybe that "new man" will be your H after his epiphany" but I think it does us no good to cling to that hope. Did you read Smurf's thread where he posted the article by Lance Armstrong's X-wife--very good and apropos for you at this juncture.
I told my friend this weekend that if we could all just make decisions on the basis of "is what I am going to do going to cause unnecessary pain to another?" then it would be a much kinder world. But that question should also apply to ourselves as well: "is staying in this limbo hurting me?" and if the answer is yes, then you should so something to change it to move toward happiness. Nicola, I sense there is a lot of fear in you now and that you are allowingf that fear to have power over you. "If Ido this, that that may happen"==as FDR said"there is nothing to fear but fear intself--simple yet immenselyprofound and true. This is a mind over matter kind of thing.
We DBers all know by now that it is not good to be a martyr and it is not selfish to want happiness for ourselves. In fact if we seek happiness in a way that is not damaging to others, we can make those that surround us happier too and the cycle will continue.
So Nicola, what I'm saying is that there is a big difference between staying married and moving on and getting divorced and moving on. I personally think it is best to stay married and move on so that if you do get divorced you don't postpone your moving on until then. Right now you seem to be staying married with the hope he will come home and thinking that this is the only reason worth staying married right now. But why not shift your thinking to focus in the fact that you are staying married so that you have an opportunity to slowly detach and heal and ready yourself for your future--YOu are staying marries and letting and when you have achieved total detachment and find that H is still in La La Land, maybe then you will be ready to file--you won't be so torn and conflicted about it as you are now.
You will know when the time is right for you. I think you are still very emotional and delicate and I don’t think filing will make you feel any better. However I do think acknowledging what bj said will be healing—it is not “wrong” to change something that is not working for you, and worse, that is hurting you.
Wow, I’m a chowder head tonight huh? Listen sweetie, I love you and I know you have the skills to get through this. You have learned and changed so much. Althea
