Still on the journey 2

[princess_nic]

Dear Friends,

Thank you all so much. Many of you brought up similar points, and I will address them all as best I can.

First of all, BA - thank you for that thoughtful, insightful post. I was doing a good job of detaching from the outcome, but I'm backsliding again. I have a hard time with letting go of my hope for reconciliation, and I will get into why a bit later. However, my faith is taking a beating, and I'm finding it hard to believe that God has something better in store for me. I'm actually having a hard time believing in God at all, to tell you the truth. I do agree that it is what I need right now.

When your heart is ready to close the door on any possibility of your taking him back into your life, regardless, you will feel that door close. You won't have to make an affirmative decision about that. It will just close.

Thank you for this. Sometimes, I feel that it has closed, that I just want to get this whole thing over with and put this marriage behind me. But that is usually when I am filled with anger and disappointment, so I'm not sure it's a good decision. That's not to say that I won't ever feel ready to do that, but I don't think it should be an emotional decision. Anyway, thank you--this was a big help.

COG ~ I hope that you didn't think I was referring to you as being prideful. I know that you continue to stand for very good reasons. As you well know, my situation is much different because I am not getting any fulfillment from my R with H. I also took my vows very seriously, but I can't imagine that God wants this for me. I wonder about the remarriage thing-I haven't talked to my pastor, but I will do that. Either way, if God leads me to someone else, it wouldn't be wrong, would it? I'm tired of living a "good" live, though. I'm tired of doing what I feel I "should" do. I just want to live for myself (hmmmph!). Maybe the world is right. Maybe I'm just being too responsible and overly committed. I don't know anymore. Who really knows what God thinks?

Re. the kids: H did always say that he thought he'd be a better father when they got older and he could relate to them, but he was uninvolved to the point of complete emotional (and often physical) unavailability. The kids would literally be shouting his name, begging for attention, and he would ignore them. Still, the R they have now is good for them, so I am really trying hard to focus on that. The 9 years he didn't act like a father are water under the bridge; it makes me angry and resentful, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Mermaid ~ It certainly does seem that we had similar marriages:

We never had a great m. I beleive my h has passive aggressive personality traits and has been depressed for as long as I have known him. I too stand because of my children and because I know if h can defeat that demon he would be the kind of h he should be and we would have the kind of m we should have.

This is exactly my feeling. It seems like we were/are married to the same man! Yes, IF he would change, we COULD be happy. But that is a big "if." My H is in therapy, but his T told me it would take at least 3 years of hard work for him to be healthy. Three years! And even then, it's not guaranteed.

Mermaid and Opti both mentioned grieving the lost marriage, and that is where I think I am at. I think that is why I'm having this backslide. I have finally accepted that my M was really not good. It wasn't what I wanted it to be, and all those things I ignored b/c I didn't want to know didn't disappear. I am sad, angry, resentful. Things COULD have been so much better...but they weren't. I wish I could go back and change some of my behaviours. But even if I did, H would still be H, and he would still have the same issues he has now. Yes, this is a time of grieving and mourning, and I guess it's time to stop beating myself up for that. I am mad at myself for caring, for not just "moving on." I had detached quite well, but I suppose it is normal that it is not a smooth road to acceptance. Right now, it is pretty bumpy.

BJ - you are right that we attach more of our self-worth to a "failed" R than a "failed" car or job choice. I suppose that's b/c the "failure" is at least in part due to us, and everybody knows that. I like your idea that maybe there's just a time to say good-bye.

Here are my issues/problems that remain unresolved:

(a) I believe in the vows that I made and I feel enormous guilt over breaking them, if I were to D;

(b) I have been reading a lot about positive thinking, "what you think about you bring about," and I'm afraid that if I DON'T focus on reconciliation it won't happen; that if I focus on being happy alone, that's what will happen;

(c) We are still very much attached b/c of kids and finances. In order to split our assets, we would have to have a legal S. Plus, he still gets mail and some phone calls here. I'm not sure what to do about this;

(d) I hate to be the one to break up the family by filing, but knowing H, it might never happen if left up to him. He is such a procrastinator and likes to leave his options open. Then again, he actually broke up the family when he chose to go outside of our M with ow.

Okay, I'm tired now! I know I didn't get to everybody, but you all helped me a lot. I hope this answers some of your questions and concerns.

Love,
Nicola