Still on the journey 2

[ACJ]

Some posters here (Althea, Alison, Angelica--all A's!) had wonderful marriages, the kind many of us dream of.

Nicola the fact that you mentioned me in this quote made me sit up! I actually don't have the same perception of my M as you have gleamed from my posts! Isn't that interesting? Yes my H was a very good father and has actually done the opposite to your H (which believe me is soul destroying) but he was a good father at the expense of being a good H. I was always jealous of the R my H had with my kids especially D16. There have even been incidences where we were all supposed to go out as a family, she kicked off, I got riled and refused to go and so he left me and the other 2 at home and still took her! I recognise now that this was probably the very beginning of MLC for H but I'm sure I don't have to tell you how that felt. The fact that my mum was staying with at the time (who was equally horrified) is just another side to the story.
Yes I loved (and still love) my H with all my heart and I do believe at some point he loved me BUT I don't think he ever loved me in the way I wanted/needed to be loved. My parents were my role model for a good marriage. Despite the fact that my mum likes a good arguement they never ever put either me or my brother before their own R. I expected this to happen in my M and it NEVER happened. I'm not saying my H was a bad H but he didn't have the same ideals about M that I had. So whilst on the outside it may have been a very happy M (and i have obviously done a good job at portraying it as that) on the inside there were lots of cracks. One of those cracks developed into MLC and here I am sitting on the curb with all of you wonderful people.

I've also had the thoughts that you've had recently. I know why I have not started the D myslef and that is that I do not want to be responsible for potentially making the biggest mistake of mine and Hs lives. I know I could forgive H that but I could never forgive myself!

Its' been a week since I heard from H and the temptation to call him is so very strong but I know it will only set him off on another course of destruction so I am leaving him well alone. I think you need to try and detach again Nicola (although harder when your H is finally coming up to the mark as a dad). You were in a much better place when you were able to do this.

Email me any time you like if you want to share more.