Your post struck me because I have a lot of those same feelings myself. We never had a great m. I beleive my h has passive aggressive personality traits and has been depressed for as long as I have known him. I too stand because of my children and because I know if h can defeat that demon he would be the kind of h he should be and we would have the kind of m we should have.
But like you I think when is it enough. I have put up with so much of this and when do I throw in the towel.
I know what you mean with always having an impending d over your head. I do think if h files he won't even tell me. In his usual fashion the message will come through my ds or I will just get the papers. But I think that he won't file because he does not want me to move on. I think he is safe in the knowledge that I won't date as long as I am still m to him.
Right now I am just trying to accept the death of my m and grieve. In the end it does not matter if h comes back. It will be a new m and a new life and therefore I need to properly say good bye to this one. I am just not sure how do that yet.
Sorry to ramble but I feel that you and I are in similar places.
I guess the usual advice is to work on you. When you are feeling down then do something extra special for yourself.
