Maybe he finally realised that the way you are approaching this sitch is exactly how he should be doing it too. Maybe he thinks he HAS to make 180s in order to make you feel more attracted to him. Maybe, maybe, maybe!
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Hi Nicola, Slow and steady. I think to-date you have done all the work to keep things somewhat smooth for your H to find his way back home. I think this is where you just sit back, watch him find his way back.
I like the positives for sure. They are things he was NOT doing before. Yes, he may be going away for the w/e but that's good. It will give him time to think. Don't be focussing on who he MIGHT be going with.
Yes, he is also doing things you never did together as a couple and perhaps he is realizing that and trying to do it on his own. To impress you? Maybe but also because he realizes what he missed out on.
As long as you continue to be YOU and true to yourself, you can't lose. You want your H to find his way back home on his own without any pressure so let him find his way.
Hello friends and thank you all for your support. Yes, patience, letting go and thinking positive are all things that I must do. Sometimes, though, it's so hard to put that into practice.
Brava - love the hand-kissing idea! I've done it a couple of times now and it really does make me giggle--thank you for sharing that. A bit of silliness is always a good thing.
BJ - you probably won't read this, so I will email you.
BJ posted something on Christy's thread that really struck a chord with me. I replied and had an epiphany myself--isn't it funny how that happens? I find that so often by posting to someone else, I answer my own questions and concerns.
BJ said something about how, now that she is really happy, she looks back to the time that she *thought* she was, but really wasn't. I realize that this is true of me also. Six months ago, I was still "acting as if," which worked to the extent that it got me on the right track with GAL and 180s, which were what I needed to really BE happy again. Now, I feel a genuine happiness deep inside. Even when I am anxiety-ridden--like last night--deep down, I still feel good. Before, I think I seemed good, but deep down, I was filled with negative images of myself and feelings of inadequacy and pain. I think I needed to go through that to get where I am now, but it's time to let that go.
What's esp interesting to me is that I thought I was projecting happiness to H, but now I'm not so sure. I think this is where H is now: he is trying to be happy, trying to discover where that is inside of him. He is doing the same things I needed to do to get there (except he doesn't have any kind of faith, which was a biggie for me). But though he may appear that way, I can sense the nervousness, the anxiety, underlying his facade.
Last evening, I asked him to drop me off at a store on his way to the country w/ the children. When I got into the car, he got all stressed b/c his bag was on the passenger seat. He apologized and I said, no problem, you didn't know I'd be in here. Then he started getting all annoyed looking for his phone charger and then he couldn't get it to work...he was super stressed. I thought it was b/c he was trying to hide something from me, which maybe he was (he had some booze in his bag, which he made a point of mentioning was for SIL's bf). But I know that last fall, whenever H and I did something together, I was so tense b/c I wanted everything to be perfect. If it wasn't, I got nervous and upset b/c I was afraid he wouldn't love me anymore. It sounds so silly, but I was watching every single step I took. Now, I think he is doing the same thing (not that I can know, of course).
I do know that he needs to find his own happiness, that I cannot be the source of it, nor can I in any tangible way help him through this. I can take care of myself and my children, and show him what a happy life looks like. Earlier this week, he called and I answered the phone sounding like hell, really stuffed up. Right away, he asked tensely: "Are you alright?" He is so worried about me. I think he's afraid I'll have another breakdown. So I know that the best thing I can do for him is to take care of myself, so he doesn't have to worry about me.
I hope that this can help others reading. I also posted on Hope's thread about depression. Really, the only thing we can do for our depressed spouses is to remove as many concerns from them as possible, most notably, their concern for our well-being.
Thanks for reading, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Great post Nicola ~ Yes BJ's post on my thread really stuck me too. Even when I was acting as if I was happy I wasn't genuinely happy like I am now.
We can't help our WAS find happiness or make it through this stage they are going through. They have to find their own happiness. Unfortunately in my case and probably alot of others I think my h is trying to find his happinesss through others still. I wish him every happiness and truly hope he finds it someday.
I have told him that as well as mentioning that he can't let others decide his happiness (yep that includes me lol tho I didn't say that part).
Much love
Christy M: 31 H: 33 Married ~ 13 years S12 S8 Bomb 10/05 supposedly ended A 2nd bomb 12/30/05 Separated 01/06 I filed 6/12/07 ~ new ow 3wks after moving out http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1094955&page=0#Post1094955
Because my children deserve an intact, happy family.
Because I can see what my marriage COULD be, if H and I were both willing and able to make it that.
But how long can those reasons be enough? Some posters here (Althea, Alison, Angelica--all A's!) had wonderful marriages, the kind many of us dream of. I did not. We had good times, yes, but a lot of not-so-good and even bad, as well. I am healthier now and I know that I would not make the same mistakes. But H? Not so sure.
I feel like I've had enough. I don't want to get involved w/ anyone else right now, but I'm sick of being tied to H. We will always have children together, but I live under the ax of him filing. I'm tired of it. At what point does doing the "moral" thing become pride? When it does, is it still moral?
There are some that reconciled and still do not have the marriage they want because their partners are not at the same stage--Linda, COG, Lisa, others who've since split up again.
I realize this is very negative, and I do apologize for bringing anyone down. My intention is not to tell others what they should do. I do admire those who continue to Stand despite the odds. I just wonder, for myself, if I am doing it for the right reasons, or if it's just to prove something, to prove that I'm better than those who don't hold on.
I don't think my H will file b/c, as he says himself, he never likes to shut a door completely, "just in case." So that's what I am to him: just in case. He has always been like that.
I will admit, however, that he is making some changes that are good. He is becoming the father I wanted him to be for 9 years. And it makes me angry and resentful, although I am happy for my children. Why couldn't he have been like that before? I guess that's how a lot of WAS feel when they see the LBS change.
I'm trying so hard to be positive about my M and about our chances for a reconciliation, but I wonder if I am just fooling myself. Is it even what I want?
Looking forward to hearing from some of you--I know lots of people read my thread, so please talk to me!!
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Hey, Sugar, I can't give you any advice, and am likely the last one who should The ax dropped on mine yesterday, as you know.
Mine didn't really give me any options. He fiddle farted around for awhile, made it look like he wasn't pushing his divorce, but actually his strategy was to push me to do it. When I finally said no, I will not do this for you, then he went ahead and filed. When we ultimately negotiated a settlement, he pretty much agreed to everything I said I wanted, and it was done.
My point is that I was put in a different position from you and so it is hard for me to give you advice. What would I do differently if mine had never filed? I'd probably still be sitting still.
I think the whole concept of standing is complicated by expectations. Expectations of reconciliation. I think you have to disabuse your mind of that. I think instead, you have to leave yourself open to the notion that if he ever "reemerges", you could take him back with unconditional love.
But belief in, hope for, expectation of reconciliation? Let that go.
Give up hope you say? Yeah. Hope for a specific outcome, at least.
Have hope and faith that God will take care of you. That he is with you and your H on this journey. That whatever comes your way will be for the best.
When your heart is ready to close the door on any possibility of your taking him back into your life, regardless, you will feel that door close. You won't have to make an affirmative decision about that. It will just close.
But until you feel that, don't struggle with it. Just live your life. Keep praying for help to feel compassion and forgiveness for your H. Keep praying to God to lead on the path that is right for you and be with you along the way.
It takes care of itself, honey, you just have to have faith.
I hear ya. It's tough to stand and wait for someone so that you can have a R that you never really enjoyed to begin with. Why the heck did we have to make those vows, "till death do we part", "in good times and in bad", blah, blah, blah. It'd be much easier on our individual conscience's if we just had'nt made those vows. He's a jerk, not my kind of guy, it's taken me a long time to figure that out, so adios! Seems like life would be so much easier that way.
I'm still standing for my M because my W, my M, is worth standing for, and although it's not as good as it could be, it is fulfilling in many ways. You are in the dryness right now though, nothing fulfilling about your sitch. I don't know if I would have hung on as long as I did if my W had been 1) dating, 2) partying, 3) not changing.
I did some research, and spoke with my pastor and according to him, D is allowed in certain instances, but remarriage is not allowed. I know it stinks but that's what I found out. I don't believe that God would send us to hell for D a deadbeat H, but it makes one think a little more and not jump to a hasty decision.
I can understand your sitch though. You describe it very well, and I'm frustrated for you too. My heart wants you to D your H, and find OM that'll love you for who you are and give you that deep connection you so long for. But there's another part of me that's hopes for a miracle.
One quick not about your frustration with your H becoming the father you wish'd he would have been before. My W has hit me with that one. Here's what she did'nt understand, and still does'nt really understand. When the kid's were small, I had this plan in my head. I'd work my ass off so that when they were say 6 and up, I could be set up to take a lot of time for them, sports, activities, etc. When their little, they need their Mom much more than Dad. So I just went with the flow. Don't get me wrong, I changed hundred's of diapers, played bumper car's, and jungle jim, and spent a lot of time with them. I guess just not enough in the way she wanted me too. So, I just want to warn you about your attitude towards his fathering. For your kid's sake just be grateful that he's interested now, nurture it, foster it, support it. Let go your pride and ego on that one, because God is working to help your H love your children. That is a blessing that many kid's miss out on, and it pains them for their whole life.
It's good that you can vent and talk about your frustrations here. Keep the faith!
Love,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
Your post struck me because I have a lot of those same feelings myself. We never had a great m. I beleive my h has passive aggressive personality traits and has been depressed for as long as I have known him. I too stand because of my children and because I know if h can defeat that demon he would be the kind of h he should be and we would have the kind of m we should have.
But like you I think when is it enough. I have put up with so much of this and when do I throw in the towel.
I know what you mean with always having an impending d over your head. I do think if h files he won't even tell me. In his usual fashion the message will come through my ds or I will just get the papers. But I think that he won't file because he does not want me to move on. I think he is safe in the knowledge that I won't date as long as I am still m to him.
Right now I am just trying to accept the death of my m and grieve. In the end it does not matter if h comes back. It will be a new m and a new life and therefore I need to properly say good bye to this one. I am just not sure how do that yet.
Sorry to ramble but I feel that you and I are in similar places.
I guess the usual advice is to work on you. When you are feeling down then do something extra special for yourself.
