Still on the journey 2

[princess_nic]

Hello friends and thank you all for your support. Yes, patience, letting go and thinking positive are all things that I must do. Sometimes, though, it's so hard to put that into practice.

Brava - love the hand-kissing idea! I've done it a couple of times now and it really does make me giggle--thank you for sharing that. A bit of silliness is always a good thing.

BJ - you probably won't read this, so I will email you.

BJ posted something on Christy's thread that really struck a chord with me. I replied and had an epiphany myself--isn't it funny how that happens? I find that so often by posting to someone else, I answer my own questions and concerns.

BJ said something about how, now that she is really happy, she looks back to the time that she *thought* she was, but really wasn't. I realize that this is true of me also. Six months ago, I was still "acting as if," which worked to the extent that it got me on the right track with GAL and 180s, which were what I needed to really BE happy again. Now, I feel a genuine happiness deep inside. Even when I am anxiety-ridden--like last night--deep down, I still feel good. Before, I think I seemed good, but deep down, I was filled with negative images of myself and feelings of inadequacy and pain. I think I needed to go through that to get where I am now, but it's time to let that go.

What's esp interesting to me is that I thought I was projecting happiness to H, but now I'm not so sure. I think this is where H is now: he is trying to be happy, trying to discover where that is inside of him. He is doing the same things I needed to do to get there (except he doesn't have any kind of faith, which was a biggie for me). But though he may appear that way, I can sense the nervousness, the anxiety, underlying his facade.

Last evening, I asked him to drop me off at a store on his way to the country w/ the children. When I got into the car, he got all stressed b/c his bag was on the passenger seat. He apologized and I said, no problem, you didn't know I'd be in here. Then he started getting all annoyed looking for his phone charger and then he couldn't get it to work...he was super stressed. I thought it was b/c he was trying to hide something from me, which maybe he was (he had some booze in his bag, which he made a point of mentioning was for SIL's bf). But I know that last fall, whenever H and I did something together, I was so tense b/c I wanted everything to be perfect. If it wasn't, I got nervous and upset b/c I was afraid he wouldn't love me anymore. It sounds so silly, but I was watching every single step I took. Now, I think he is doing the same thing (not that I can know, of course).

I do know that he needs to find his own happiness, that I cannot be the source of it, nor can I in any tangible way help him through this. I can take care of myself and my children, and show him what a happy life looks like. Earlier this week, he called and I answered the phone sounding like hell, really stuffed up. Right away, he asked tensely: "Are you alright?" He is so worried about me. I think he's afraid I'll have another breakdown. So I know that the best thing I can do for him is to take care of myself, so he doesn't have to worry about me.

I hope that this can help others reading. I also posted on Hope's thread about depression. Really, the only thing we can do for our depressed spouses is to remove as many concerns from them as possible, most notably, their concern for our well-being.

Thanks for reading,
Nicola