Still on the journey 2

[S.T. _I Made It!]

My pastor actually said that maybe I never had the chance to be the wife I *could* be in this marriage, and he was right: I was not myself. I am so much calmer and happier now. Even when I am sad, I am happy deep inside. For the last few years, it's been the opposite.


After reading that quote of yours, it made me think.

I really was not the christian wife that I should have been with my H. He was not a christian and I alowed that to cause bitterness in me and I let him determine my happiness. I looked for him to make me happy, not myself. I let his actions affect how I felt, and felt about myself.

This is what I believe happens to us. When our WAS leaves and we discover happiness within ourselves, we assume that we couldn't have been happy with our spouses and that we are better off now. However, I think that had we not allowed their actions to affect us, and not have any expectations of our spouses that we COULD be happy in our M. I just didn't realize what I was doing until my H "left" me and it was a wake-up call for me. Luckily God gave me the chance for change, and my H is back in our M for good now.

Of course, only you truely know your H, so if they are an abusive person or something like that, well then I believe that a person would be better of w/o them. And I haven't read your thread to know your H.

Anyways, just wanted to put in my 2 cents, and I wish you well and a great future ahead.

[princess_nic]

Hello all,

I have not updated or replied b/c I've just been kind of bored with my sitch, and haven't felt like talking about it. But I do owe a couple of people answers to questions, so I'll combine that w/ an update.

Kiki~

I'm not NC. I did that for about a month very early on in my sitch. Now and then, I go "grey"--don't initiate any contact except re. kids' schedule or finances. Even then, I do it via email and it's all business. When he picks up or drops off the kids, I make it as quick as possible, don't initiate conversation and reply as briefly as possible. I still smile, however, and don't act mean. I do this when I'm feeling like I need emotional space, when I'm too focused on H.

I decided to do the abovea after Christmas, but I only got through about a week, when H started to be a lot friendlier. I've been accepting his friendship and went out w/ him and kids for dinner last Wed. However, I felt like that was a bit much for me, so I cooled off again on Sat. Of course, that caused him to ask me about a CD I bought and to tell the kids (v. loudly, in front of me) about his exciting w/e plans for them.

He is acting a bit strangely around me, like he's trying to impress me. He makes jokes (usually pretty dumb) and acts shy. He also attempts to appear interested in what I am doing. I take it all w/ a grain of salt. If he decides he wants to be with me, he's going to have to be more proactive about it. If not, I'm good.

ISLH~

Thanks so much for that post. I'd forgotten that you've BTDT. Your boys sound like compassionate, caring young men, so they obviously were not permanently traumatised by your D.

Children growing up in a dysfunctional family that stays together does not guarantee them growing up to be well-adjusted adults. In fact, they will learn to repeat the same behaviours of their parents even if they say they want something different. Children learn by example.

I was just thinking about this. That's actually one of the big reasons I wanted to separate. I did NOT want my children to think that our M was normal, or even, good. I was afraid that they would repeat our patterns of behaviour, which were not healthy.

Do not feel guilty in not giving your children the perfect family unit you wanted. It takes 2 committed people to make a M really work. It is better to have one strong and devoted parent than 2 absent parents who have no time for their children because they have too many issues to deal with.

So true-this is what I grew up with--unhappy parents who took it out on me and my brother. And I ended up doing the same with my kids. I think that H and I are both better parents apart than we were together.

Yes, I will attest that being a single parent is very hard but how many times has your H actually dealt with the kids or was it usually you?

Usually me. He was actually around very seldom. He has built a better R with the kids over the past year and a half, which is a big benefit of this.

I do find it interesting that your H's parents are still together yet both your H and SIL are not willing to work on their M. Maybe it's because your H believes his mother would be happier if she wasn't with his father.

Strange isn't it? I think my SIL wants a R like her parents have, but they actually don't have a R that I would want. MIL is extremely dependent on FIL. SIL thinks they have the best marriage ever! As for H, he doesn't want what they have (and I don't blame him). I think that H sees himself and his father as ruining his mother's life. H also sees himself as ruining my life. He told me shortly after he left, when I was doing well again, that he made the right decision b/c my depression was due to him.

I could quote pretty much everything you wrote here, but I won't. I'll just say THANK YOU! Everything you said meant something to me and rang true.

Love to all,
Nicola

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Thanks nicola for the response on my thread.

Yes, I do agree with you that if your H has those types of addictions, then he does need to take care of that b4 you guys can once again have a R.

What I hate the most, is that this whole time I've been with H, I've not shown that christian-loving attitude that Jesus would have shown, and instead I showed a pouty and depressed attitude (sometimes, not always) because he didn't have a desire whatsoever to go with us.

Someone told me, that when we plant a seed, we also need to let it grow. So I could have been planting seeds and just ripping them back out. What hindsight I have thinking about how his life might be turned to Christ, had I been accepting of his undesire, and just kept showing him by my actions what it meant to be a christian and the joy that comes from it.

But, I still don't regret what happened, because I truely believe that God allowed him to leave me so that I could become closer to HIM and learn how I was really suppose to be.

Anyways, thank you again, and God Bless you.

What we really need to focus on, is our H's salvation, not for them to come back to us and be the H that we want. I learned that during my DBing, but it is very hard to accomplish!

Crissy

[kikifree]

Found it. Thank you for the info ..so you seem to be doing well.He has interest in you and trying to impress you..interesting.

I understand where you are at. you are doing great. Has anything new come up?

There are positive baby steps here.

[amd]

I have not updated or replied b/c I've just been kind of bored with my sitch, and haven't felt like talking about it.

this is exactly how I feel right now--just didn't know how to say it. Thanks!

[princess_nic]

Chrissy, Kiki, AMD -- thanks for reading.

I'm not feeling very positive these last few days. Actually, I've got a really bad cold (again!), which as we all know, is not good for the ol' PMA. Plus I got my period at the same time, lolol!

Anyway, I find that H is acting very strangely; he seems nervous and anxious when he's around me. I have a strong feeling that he's hiding something. ow? Why would he hide that? Why wouldn't he just start the D procedings?

I know I'm overly focussed on him again. Darn it.

Positives:
* Asks me questions about my life
* Wants to make conversation
* Likes to hang around at the house
* He told me he's going away "on [his] own" next w/e
* Called me a couple of times last week re. renewing insurance. Told me he's putting me on it, "of course."
* Returned a table that he bought (but could have decided he didn't like it)
* Looked at me in my nightie on Thurs (sounds weird, but he's been totally avoiding seeing my in nightwear since he left. He took a good look and smiled at me. Does this mean he's totally over me? Am I insane?)

Negatives:
* He's going away next w/e. On his own? Who knows.
* He acts really anxious around me. Is he hiding something? Is he afraid I'm going to file? Is he just not filing b/c he's waiting till March? Who the F*** knows? Am I too paranoid?
* He's getting a landline installed.

He has never, ever in all the time I've known him, gone away on his own. This is really driving me nuts!! It's a total 180. However, I like to go away by myself once or twice a year. It's a normal thing to do, I think, refreshing, but why is he doing this? Why am I so suspicious? Oh, yeah, b/c he's not trustworthy.

I'm thinking he's going away to think about what he's going to do from here. Think about his life and where it's headed...right into a ditch. I am thinking that he'll come back totally decided on what to do. I'm an idiot, I know.

Last w/e and then tonight, he's taken the kids up north to the cottage of a friend's parents (they've loaned it to him). This w/e, he's invited his sis, her bf and her son--God forbid I should get to go. This never happened when we were together. He could never get off his @ss to go do something fun. Oh no--but now, now he's Disney Dad and it royally pi$$es me off. Esp since S5 is sick and I kept him quiet yesterday and today.

ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH! Okay, sorry, this is turning into a rant. I really need to GAL.

I'm actually very happy, but for some reason, I HATE the idea of him being happy, too. Intellectually, I know that the best R would be with two happy individuals, but I can't shake the feeling that if he's happy w/o me, that's it--he won't reconsider.

Okay, I'd better stop now--I'm just going around in circles and feeding my anxiety. Thanks for reading and input is always appreciated.

Nicola

[bravagal]

hi nicola,

all i can say is: you are being really selfaware and that is really really important.

i am also very impressed by all those positives you listed.
cold and periods REALLY can temporarily destroy even the best PMA. Hang in there. and you are right , the danger is when we let ourselves focus on guessing what is going on in their heads...


you wrote:

I'm actually very happy, but for some reason, I HATE the idea of him being happy, too. Intellectually, I know that the best R would be with two happy individuals, but I can't shake the feeling that if he's happy w/o me, that's it--he won't reconsider.

hmmm, can I just say: phew, so then I am NOT crazy!!!
or in other words: yes, yes and yes. I hear ya 100 %. I have the exact same thoughts/feelings ALL the time. THat fear can be really powerful. I think I was really letting it get the best of me the last few months. My ingenious solution: pull back! ah well, it has made me think those things less... since I know NOTHING anymore about what he is doing. I guess ignorance can be bliss!

that said, you are sick and your mental and physical energy is drained anyway by that monthly visitor. point being: be kind to yourself these next few days...esp. mentally.

my friend taught me a funny thing years ago. when she is down or when she is proud of herself she kisses her hand (as if to blow a kiss) and then gently pats herself a few times on the cheek with that hand.
cheesy? yup. but it is fun and silly and a great way to get some instant tlc. try it looking in the mirror!!!


sending you lots of positive energy!

brava

[bj]

Hey Nicola

read through all the long posts on this thread
and I have to say - you are Nicola and your kids are lucky they have Nicola as their mother

I grew up in England with both my parents and three brothers
and found out when I grew up we were very very poor
funny I never realised it at the time
dad worked two jobs and my mum worked nights
the big things I remember about growing up
we were all important to our parents and I never felt like we didn't have their attention
each day we went off to school and some of my fondest memories are walking home in the snow and stopping to look through the window of our lounge room and seeing the fire burning and my brothers waiting for me
and walking in shaking off the cold and sitting down with hot chocolate and cookies and mum asking us all about school and our day as she sat with us

I always remember that no matter what dad came in from work smiling and happy to be home and after working two jobs he sat down with us in front of the fire and he was happy to be with us

so maybe we were poor financially but we sure were not poor emotionally and I guess thats why my brothers and I had the big conversation a few years back with my mum about how it was funny we never realised we were poor

you are doing great - and your kids will remember the happy times they spent with you and the fact that both parents cared - and being together may be something they want for their parents and themselves but I really think you are making this second in importance for them
everything you do tells them how important they are in your life
and what a great counsellor you have found for your daughter

glad I stopped by

bj

[optimist2004]

Nicola-
Glad you got all that natural emotional response out of you and on paper (or whatever).

Your H is acting strange. Maybe he's "trying" or maybe he's involved with an ow. I'm searching for some advice to give that doesn't involved the standard, "focus on yourself, drop the rope, let go of control...blah, blah, blah."

I just can't think of a darn thing. So I'll just let you know that I'm keeping track of your thread and thinking of you along your journey.

[lovingme]

Hugs Nicola ~ Yes I do think you need to do something for you and get your focus off of your h. Do you have any plans coming up that are just for you?!