I'm not feeling very positive these last few days. Actually, I've got a really bad cold (again!), which as we all know, is not good for the ol' PMA. Plus I got my period at the same time, lolol!
Anyway, I find that H is acting very strangely; he seems nervous and anxious when he's around me. I have a strong feeling that he's hiding something. ow? Why would he hide that? Why wouldn't he just start the D procedings?
I know I'm overly focussed on him again. Darn it.
Positives: * Asks me questions about my life * Wants to make conversation * Likes to hang around at the house * He told me he's going away "on [his] own" next w/e * Called me a couple of times last week re. renewing insurance. Told me he's putting me on it, "of course." * Returned a table that he bought (but could have decided he didn't like it) * Looked at me in my nightie on Thurs (sounds weird, but he's been totally avoiding seeing my in nightwear since he left. He took a good look and smiled at me. Does this mean he's totally over me? Am I insane?)
Negatives: * He's going away next w/e. On his own? Who knows. * He acts really anxious around me. Is he hiding something? Is he afraid I'm going to file? Is he just not filing b/c he's waiting till March? Who the F*** knows? Am I too paranoid? * He's getting a landline installed.
He has never, ever in all the time I've known him, gone away on his own. This is really driving me nuts!! It's a total 180. However, I like to go away by myself once or twice a year. It's a normal thing to do, I think, refreshing, but why is he doing this? Why am I so suspicious? Oh, yeah, b/c he's not trustworthy.
I'm thinking he's going away to think about what he's going to do from here. Think about his life and where it's headed...right into a ditch. I am thinking that he'll come back totally decided on what to do. I'm an idiot, I know.
Last w/e and then tonight, he's taken the kids up north to the cottage of a friend's parents (they've loaned it to him). This w/e, he's invited his sis, her bf and her son--God forbid I should get to go. This never happened when we were together. He could never get off his @ss to go do something fun. Oh no--but now, now he's Disney Dad and it royally pi$$es me off. Esp since S5 is sick and I kept him quiet yesterday and today.
ARRRGGGGHHHHHHH! Okay, sorry, this is turning into a rant. I really need to GAL.
I'm actually very happy, but for some reason, I HATE the idea of him being happy, too. Intellectually, I know that the best R would be with two happy individuals, but I can't shake the feeling that if he's happy w/o me, that's it--he won't reconsider.
Okay, I'd better stop now--I'm just going around in circles and feeding my anxiety. Thanks for reading and input is always appreciated.
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
