Still on the journey 2

[princess_nic]

Hello all,

I have not updated or replied b/c I've just been kind of bored with my sitch, and haven't felt like talking about it. But I do owe a couple of people answers to questions, so I'll combine that w/ an update.

Kiki~

I'm not NC. I did that for about a month very early on in my sitch. Now and then, I go "grey"--don't initiate any contact except re. kids' schedule or finances. Even then, I do it via email and it's all business. When he picks up or drops off the kids, I make it as quick as possible, don't initiate conversation and reply as briefly as possible. I still smile, however, and don't act mean. I do this when I'm feeling like I need emotional space, when I'm too focused on H.

I decided to do the abovea after Christmas, but I only got through about a week, when H started to be a lot friendlier. I've been accepting his friendship and went out w/ him and kids for dinner last Wed. However, I felt like that was a bit much for me, so I cooled off again on Sat. Of course, that caused him to ask me about a CD I bought and to tell the kids (v. loudly, in front of me) about his exciting w/e plans for them.

He is acting a bit strangely around me, like he's trying to impress me. He makes jokes (usually pretty dumb) and acts shy. He also attempts to appear interested in what I am doing. I take it all w/ a grain of salt. If he decides he wants to be with me, he's going to have to be more proactive about it. If not, I'm good.

ISLH~

Thanks so much for that post. I'd forgotten that you've BTDT. Your boys sound like compassionate, caring young men, so they obviously were not permanently traumatised by your D.

Children growing up in a dysfunctional family that stays together does not guarantee them growing up to be well-adjusted adults. In fact, they will learn to repeat the same behaviours of their parents even if they say they want something different. Children learn by example.

I was just thinking about this. That's actually one of the big reasons I wanted to separate. I did NOT want my children to think that our M was normal, or even, good. I was afraid that they would repeat our patterns of behaviour, which were not healthy.

Do not feel guilty in not giving your children the perfect family unit you wanted. It takes 2 committed people to make a M really work. It is better to have one strong and devoted parent than 2 absent parents who have no time for their children because they have too many issues to deal with.

So true-this is what I grew up with--unhappy parents who took it out on me and my brother. And I ended up doing the same with my kids. I think that H and I are both better parents apart than we were together.

Yes, I will attest that being a single parent is very hard but how many times has your H actually dealt with the kids or was it usually you?

Usually me. He was actually around very seldom. He has built a better R with the kids over the past year and a half, which is a big benefit of this.

I do find it interesting that your H's parents are still together yet both your H and SIL are not willing to work on their M. Maybe it's because your H believes his mother would be happier if she wasn't with his father.

Strange isn't it? I think my SIL wants a R like her parents have, but they actually don't have a R that I would want. MIL is extremely dependent on FIL. SIL thinks they have the best marriage ever! As for H, he doesn't want what they have (and I don't blame him). I think that H sees himself and his father as ruining his mother's life. H also sees himself as ruining my life. He told me shortly after he left, when I was doing well again, that he made the right decision b/c my depression was due to him.

I could quote pretty much everything you wrote here, but I won't. I'll just say THANK YOU! Everything you said meant something to me and rang true.

Love to all,
Nicola