I have just finished catching up on your thread from the last week. I'm sorry to see that you had a few rough days. It is, I find in our lowest times that God is with us and helps us do some of our best work in looking at our situations and trying to learn and grow from them. We learn so much more about ourselves, our situation, the people in our lives and what we need to do to grow into stronger and better individuals. Just a few things I want to mention:
1. There is no manual on being a perfect parent regardless whether parents stay together. Children growing up in a dysfunctional family that stays together does not guarantee them growing up to be well-adjusted adults. In fact, they will learn to repeat the same behaviours of their parents even if they say they want something different. Children learn by example.
You are a loving and a wonderful mother and you can give your kids so much more attention without having to deal with your H's crap. Your kids will benefit from all that you are learning through this process. They may even actually have a better R with their father because as you said, he is forced to spend time with them alone.
2. As much as I hated the controlling behaviours of my mother and my sister, although I know I am not like them, to the same degree, I have come to realize that I still did demonstrate some of the same behaviours in my M in subtle ways. I know that my sister's controlling behaviour is also a learned behaviour from my mother.
Also, as much as I hated the fighting btwn my parents, I can see that at times, I didn't know how to communicate with my H during a disagreement because I didn't have a good example to learn from. While you and I want something different for our M, it does take a conscious effort to be aware of our behaviours so that we don't repeat them. I wish that someone had told me or given me some books to read before getting married, like Love and Respect or The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands or The Five Love Languages so that I would have been better prepared. Likewise, our H should have been better prepared too.
Do not feel guilty in not giving your children the perfect family unit you wanted. It takes 2 committed people to make a M really work. It is better to have one strong and devoted parent than 2 absent parents who have no time for their children because they have too many issues to deal with.
Yes, I will attest that being a single parent is very hard but how many times has your H actually dealt with the kids or was it usually you? I do find it interesting that your H's parents are still together yet both your H and SIL are not willing to work on their M. Maybe it's because your H believes his mother would be happier if she wasn't with his father.
3.
Quote: When H left, I said to him, "All I ever wanted was to have a happy family." He asked me if I wanted HIM, or just a husband/father. Of course, I said him, but now I'm not so sure.
I do believe in the Imago theory on why we pick our partners. H and I did go to Imago therapy for couples back in 2003 and I honestly believe that had we not stopped going, we probably would not be in the situation today (but then again, I won't ever know). Even my H's psychiatrist had said that my H's issues were not necessarily directed at me but at his mother although I would be blamed for them which is what we also discovered in the Imago counselling. We didn't even finish the 12 session recommended Imago counselling and so we quickly forget everything we learn especially when one partner wants out of the M. In order to have a balance within a M, I believe that we look for partners that are mostly opposite of who we are although there can also be similarities otherwise there would be no growing. IMO, it was your H you wanted. Don't second guess yourself because he couldn't commit.
4. As for the "s" word, it should only ever be a thought but never acted on and I know that you know tht. I know that most of us (including myself) have at one point or another especially going through this experience, thought about it and its knowing when we need to seek professional help. This proves that we are still rational people and still put others before ourselves. It is such a selfish act and would be too easy to do. God has been watching over us and its when we listen to him that we know we will be stronger and better even if the situation doesn't seem to be going the way we want it. You are an amazing person and your kids need you. In fact, I think your H needs you too but he won't admit that right now.
5.
Quote: My H also went from girlfriend to girlfriend, never breaking up till another one was waiting in the wings. We were friends for a year before dating, but did actually kiss maybe twice in that time. He had a gf but never brought her to any parties I was at. He always talked about how he wanted to break up with her, but it wasn't the right time. OMG, when I read that now, I just think, could that BE more scripted?! Talk about naive. I also thought that it would be different with me b/c, well, I'm so great, lolol! But that doesn't matter does it? Because it's not about me anyway. This past year has actually been the first time that H has been w/o a woman in his life since he was 16. When he left, I told him he was pathetic b/c he couldn't live w/o a woman. A few weeks later, he broke up with ow. Coincidence? I'd like to think he decided to challenge himself, which is a good thing.
How eerie is this? My H always left a R once their was someone else in the picture too. We too were friends for over a year before we dated although he did flirt with me and kissed me while he was with his previous gf and stopped when I told him that I wasn't comfortable. He never brought his gf to places where I was at either. It was only when he realized that I wasn't going to allow the kissing anymore that he eventually broke it off with his gf. I was the first person he ever asked to marry so I must have been so much better than the rest. Unlike your H now, my H does have OW. So, I'm not sure if she's really much better than me (although how could he have known if he hasn't lived with her) or he's just back at his same old R pattern. Maybe I should give him the same challenge you gave your H. You said your H felt very guilty after the first time he cheated on you yet he did it again. My H knew that I felt insecure at times because my first H had an affair and he said he would NEVER do that to me - HA, he lied or maybe not at the time he said it anyways. How can they feel guilty or say they would never do it and then do? I agree with you in that it is not about us, it's about them. It IS their issue and I think you and I are better off without them right now. Your H needs to deal with this himself. Don't let him drag you down.
6.
Quote: My pastor actually said that maybe I never had the chance to be the wife I *could* be in this marriage, and he was right: I was not myself. I am so much calmer and happier now. Even when I am sad, I am happy deep inside. For the last few years, it's been the opposite.
Your pastor is absolutely right. M is hard work and it takes time for 2 people to develop a oneness-type R. You will be the kind of W you want to be one day if not with your H, with someone else when the time is right for Nicola.
Stay strong Nicola. You ARE a wonderful person and mother.
Sorry for the long post. Much love and hugs to you,
How can they feel guilty or say they would never do it and then do? I agree with you in that it is not about us, it's about them. It IS their issue and I think you and I are better off without them right now. Your H needs to deal with this himself. Don't let him drag you down.