Still on the journey 2

[princess_nic]

Opti/AMD:
I'm familiar with Imago therapy and have actually wanted to try it. There is a therapist who sometimes does workshops for singles in my city, but she hasn't done any in a while. I never believed that stuff either b/c I *thought* I married a man opposite of my father. I consciously chose someone whom I thought was different, yet it seems that is, in fact, the same: puts work before family; ignores the children (or did when he lived here); emotionally distant. I felt for a long time--even after we separated--that I needed to somehow prove myself to "win" his love. It makes sense to me that what I'm really doing is trying to win my father's love and approval.

COG:

I think most families are dysfunctional to one degree or another.

That's why I hate to use that word. I always told myself that there are others worse off than me, that my family wasn't so bad. But it was pretty bad. I have friends who had families much the same (our dads esp came from fathers who were equally messed up), but many who had very loving families.

You grew up in with both parents living together, and how'd that work for ya?

LOL! Yeah, I need to remind myself of that. We were better off financially than we would have been otherwise, but not emotionally. At least, I don't think so, although I could never know.

You'll probably have the tendency to try and control with subtle intimidation like your mom did, but it's good that you recognize that, so you can change that.

I am very aware of that. It is something I am working hard at noticing so I can correct it when I do.

We need to recognize that the people who've hurt us most, are probably those most hurting.

So true. As an adult, I can see that, though it was not possible when I was a child. Wouldn't it be nice if we could know that as children? Instead, our self-concept is formed by people who are unhappy and angry, who love us but don't know how to show us. We end up taking on a view of ourselves shaped by people who are not whole themselves.

Jeff:

When the kids came the focus changed. My W turned to the kids and I grew to resent it.

I think that is what happened with us, too. As H and I grew further apart, I turned more towards the kids for sharing my love and getting emotional fulfillment. Of course, the cycle continued...but we never talked about it.

Your “now I’m not so sure” says so much about you as a person.

Considering that my H was really not a very good husband or father, I think I was more attached to the *idea* of him, rather than him. I could see what was possible, but that's not what was. I still love him, and I would still like to have my family together, but it would have to be within the context of a healthier R between us, which would require that both us be mentally/emotionally healthy.

Like you, he is now giving the children the father they want and need. Since he HAS to spend one day a week (and night) with them, he has to be focused on them for that time.

I also think that a nuclear family is best for the kids but given WE cannot control that it is up to US to make it as good as we can for them.

I believe that as we accept our role in our situation realistically, and not taking all the blame, we grow to accept what has happened and use it for future growth. Your words indicate that is where you are. I am very impressed at your honest assessment here and the fact that you wrote this says to me that your kids will come out just fine.

Thank you, Jeff. This really means a lot to me.

Alison:
Isn't it interesting that you HAD such good role models, yet your M hasn't worked out (so far) either. I always thought that if my parents had had a better M, I would have too. Then again, it seems like your mum and dad are a good match personality-wise. If your dad were less laidback, it probably wouldn't work. It must be hard to look at them and see what you wanted so badly for yourself. Still, you did your best, Alison, and you could still have 45 years with your H...or with someone else (assuming you live that long!).

AH:

One thing that I resisted for a long time, but that is seeming to work, is the use of positive affirmations.

You know, I did this to help with self-esteem and it did work. I resisted also b/c I thought it sounded dumb. I hadn't even thought of doing it in this area, but that is a very good idea. Thank you.

Althea:
My dear, dear friend. You are such a blessing to me and to all of us. Thank you for your beautiful post.

we are going to improve on the old model, we will provide the happy home for our children that our parents did not. But we cannot always control what happens because both husband and wife have to be committed to working through it--even when the going gets tough.

Yes, I took it for granted my H felt the same, but apparently not!! His parents are still in love after almost 50 years, yet he keeps saying his mother would be so much happier if his dad weren't around. Maybe b/c his father was a mean drunk when H was a kid.

I didn't realize that your H had cheated before (oh man it makes me so mad!) because I think unless they work VERY hard to change that behavior, the likelihood of them repeating it is high.... Therapy, therapy, therapy. As you know, my H is a serial monogamist--he ended all his relationships the way he ended ours and even had a one night stand himself before we were married--and why did I think he would change???

You know, he had SO much guilt from that, that I really never thought it would happen again. He was so relieved when I forgave him. He did therapy briefly--a few sessions--and we both thought it was over. Ha! My H also went from girlfriend to girlfriend, never breaking up till another one was waiting in the wings. We were friends for a year before dating, but did actually kiss maybe twice in that time. He had a gf but never brought her to any parties I was at. He always talked about how he wanted to break up with her, but it wasn't the right time. OMG, when I read that now, I just think, could that BE more scripted?! Talk about naive. I also thought that it would be different with me b/c, well, I'm so great, lolol! But that doesn't matter does it? Because it's not about me anyway. This past year has actually been the first time that H has been w/o a woman in his life since he was 16. When he left, I told him he was pathetic b/c he couldn't live w/o a woman. A few weeks later, he broke up with ow. Coincidence? I'd like to think he decided to challenge himself, which is a good thing.

I am glad I met my H because otherwise I would never have had these 2 beautiful children that I love more than anything. I am also grateful that I have not presented the same example for my children that my parents did for me. And so, with the way things were going in my marriage, perhaps it is best that we end it so that both of us (but mostly me) have a chance again at a love and happiness.

I love that...esp the "mostly me" part.

We are wiser now ad can use that wisdom to forge a new life. Don't you feel you have a bit more freedom now? Isn't there more elbow room and space for you to create your own "Nicola" space and family? You no longer have to be judged by a man who did not understand or nurture you

Yes, I am happier. H is very much a cynic, and would often find ways to squelch my joy. I don't know if he did this intentionally or not, but it was soul crushing. My pastor actually said that maybe I never had the chance to be the wife I *could* be in this marriage, and he was right: I was not myself. I am so much calmer and happier now. Even when I am sad, I am happy deep inside. For the last few years, it's been the opposite.

You are a very beautiful and loving woman and I bet there are a lot of suitors out there who, when and if you are ready, will provide you with ample choices for a wonderful husband. You must never give up hope for happiness Nicola, you are far too special and important.

Thank you so much, Althea; you are wonderful.

I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time, too. It is so very hard when our children are hurting. We just want to protect them from everything bad, don't we? You are such a sensitive person, I can only imagine that your children are too. It is a blessing and curse--it makes life harder in a way, but I think we get a lot more out of life, too. We can feel joy that others can't. Unfortunately, we can also feel deeper sadness, but maybe that's not a bad thing, maybe it makes us more human.

Christy:

You are making their childhood different than yours by being the terrific mother you are. You are there for them when they need you. You are involved in their lives. You show them the unconditional love a child deserves. They will never ever forget how you were during this difficult time in all their lives.

Don't ever doubt yourself Nicola ~ You are awesome in so many different ways and your kids know this as well or better than anyone does.

Thank you for this. I am really trying to make this as easy for them as possible. I do better every day, I think. I know it is hard for all of us. Thanks again.

FIB and T2SP:
Thanks for dropping by. It's nice to know people are reading. I follow along with both of you all the time, even if I don't always post.

Much, much love to all of you,

Nicola