Hi Nicola, Thank you for sharing that post and I'm sure that we can all relate to at least some of what you said about how your parents and upbringing have affected you.
But please understand YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!! You have nothing to feel guilty about. Marriage is hard and it is often not fun and nobody tells us this. Even when we have horrible role models for parents like you and I did, we still get married thinking we are going to be different--we are going to improve on the old model, we will provide the happy home for our children that our parents did not. But we cannot always control what happens because both husband and wife have to be committed to working through it--even when the going gets tough. And both husband and wife need to remain loyal to each other. I didn't realize that your H had cheated before (oh man it makes me so mad!) because I think unless they work VERY hard to change that behavior, the likelihood of them repeating it is high.... Therapy, therapy, therapy. As you know, my H is a serial monogamist--he ended all his relationships the way he ended ours and even had a one night stand himself before we were married--and why did I think he would change???
I agree with COG---parents staying together just for the kids, when they are unhappy is not a good thing. It had negative effects on you and soperhaps you should say to yourself something like this: I am glad I met my H because otherwise I would never have had these 2 beautiful children that I love more than anything. I am also grateful that I have not presented the same example for my children that my parents did for me. And so, with the way things were going in my marriage, perhaps it is best that we end it so that both of us (but mostly me) have a chance again at a love and happiness.
Of course Nicola, I wish I could take my own advice—I’ve been a basket case the last couple days and yesterday I turned 42 which doesn’t help matters. I have been feeling the same as you lately--sad and mournful of what is no more and what cannot be--me and my family as one unit. I hate it and still, even after a year of MM being gone, find it hard to accept. I mourn for my children who are quite heartbroken over it and I feel angry as hell toward the 2 people who so thoughtlessly ruined my family and caused so much damage. But I must believe that good things await me and my children down the road and you need to believe it and visualize it too.
When we got home tonight from our 2 weeks away , the children went to bed and began crying as they did in the beginning-once again realizing that their daddy is not here to tuck them in, missing him and calling out into thin air for him. They miss him so much but all I can do is try to make this a safe and loving place for them--I have no control over what that man does or does not do.
On the brighter side Nicola, you can be a strong mother for your children. I am certain that you will create a happy home environment for them. You will learn from your parents because good or bad, they were your best teachers and they have taught you both what is good and what is bad parenting. Take what you need from their example and continue to improve on that obsolete model. We have an opportunity to function as mothers without the rigid boundaries of fairytale expectations. We are wiser now ad can use that wisdom to forge a new life. Don't you feel you have a bit more freedom now? Isn't there more elbow room and space for you to create your own "Nicola" space and family? You no longer have to be judged by a man who did not understand or nurture you. You are a very beautiful and loving woman and I bet there are a lot of suitors out there who, when and if you are ready, will provide you with ample choices for a wonderful husband. You must never give up hope for happiness Nicola, you are far too special and important.
