Imago therapy was developed by James Harville--this might be what opti is referring to. Harville's book is called "Getting the Love You Want," I think. In a nutshell, it discusses how we look for partners that bring out our flaws because we need to work them out.
Another book that might help you is Dr. Phil's "Family First." I haven't read it myself, but FF in Pittsburgh was reading it a while back and liked it, and I got a lot out of "Relationship Rescue." Maybe he also lists other titles that you would find interesting.
The greatest thing is that you recognize where you need to grow and change, Nicola. You've already come a LONG ways in terms of your R with yourself and your R with H. Now you get to work on your R with your kids. Dump the guilt and move forward in that R. It will be so rewarding!
